Page 88 of The Outlaw and the Heir

I much preferred it when he was fighting not to strangle me or trying not to jump me when I was being difficult. The open, earnest discussion left me with a squirming in my gut that was difficult to tolerate.

"Look," I said, trying not to let the internal squirming become external and give away how uncomfortable I was. "I don't remember things all that well, alright? Maybe I knew what he was doing, maybe I didn't. Truth be told, everything happened so fast I was operating on instinct, not anything rational. So I'm not going to have people saying I did something when I can't say if I did or didn't."

"Lizzie seemed pretty sure, and she ain't one to exaggerate."

"Or maybe she just saw what she wanted to see."

"You sayin' I'm doin' the same because I believe her?"

"I don't know. Have you finally gone so mad you're willing to believe I’d do something so stupid?"

"Stupid?"

"Did I or did I not have a conversation with you, more than once, about how I do things to stay alive? Now, does throwing myself into the potential path of a bullet sound like something a consummate survivor would do?"

"No," he agreed, his hand coming to rest on my lower back, skin warm and pleasantly rough. "It sounds like somethin' someone would do if they aren't nearly as bad as people think they are...or as bad as they try to make themselves sound. Sounds like somethin' a good man would do."

I closed my eyes, surprised at the sudden prickling in my eye, and tried to hold back. "I'm not a good man, c'mon, you have to know that by now."

"I also know you're not a bad one," he said with a shrug.

"Wow," I said, purposefully widening my eyes. "Are you saying that morality isn't just black and white? That the world isn't filled withjustgood people and evil people?" I yelped when he gave my ass a sharp slap.

“Weren't you the one who tried to make me understand that?"

"Well, yes, but I wasn't expecting you to try to turn it around on me one day."

"Well, I am. Ya can't be the man who tries to make me see that and be the same man who tries to deny it about himself. So you had to do things to survive that I might never be able to do, ya clearly haven't let it destroy what's good about you."

"Well, that would have been too easy."

"What do ya mean?"

"I mean, I didn't hold on to trying to be decent because it was the right thing to do. I hated people who took the awful things in their lives and used it as an excuse to do it to other people. I thought they were weak, petty, spiteful creatures who deserved a bullet to the head. I decided I wasn't going to be that person, that I could still survive and figure out a way not to turn into a monster. Not because it was right but because I wasn't going to give the world the pleasure of seeing me fall that far from grace. It was spite that motivated me, not virtue."

He stared at me for long enough, and I believed he finally understood that even if he was changing his perspective on the world, I wasn't the person he’d started to think I was. As much as I wanted to knock the stars from his eyes, there was still a sinking sense of disappointment. Despite my protests, it was nice to havesomeonebelieve I wasn't a complete lost cause.

That it was Ambrose made both feelings more intense, which I wasn't even going to try to question or deny. Somewhere along the line, I’d grown to appreciate the man and find him endearing, and then he became someone whose opinionmattered to me. It had all happened over a relatively short period. Yet, I considered myself observant and had missed the entire process, which was why I could only shrug and go along with it since, apparently, it was going to happen whether or not I had an opinion.

I clearly cared about the stubborn idiot with a good heart, and while I didn't need him trying to place a halo, tarnished or not, atop my head, it still stung a little to think he’d been so easily dissuaded from trying to give mesomecredit.

"Well," he said slowly, and I braced for whatever judgment was about to come out of his mouth. "Maybeyouthink it's just spite, and maybe it is...partially. But a spiteful, bitter man would never put himself in harm's way for someone he didn't know all that much. You take a bullet for someone you care about or because you can't stand to see someone get hurt when they don't deserve it."

I stared at him, giving myself a shake. “Say what?"

He chuckled. “Finally, I managed to stun ya into shuttin' your mouth. It only took half a year, but I guess it's somethin' at least."

"I...wasn't expecting that."

"Well, it's what you're gettin', so learn to live with it. Ya didn't just put yourself in danger for her, but you did everything you could to get ya both outta that mess. Don't think she didn't give me the details."

"Gory as they were," I said blithely, still trying to wrap my head around my expectations being outright subverted.

"Life is messy, don't see why death should be any different," he said with a small, not totally genuine smile. "Fact is, I was right to put you in charge of keepin' an eye on her. The men here are good, and they woulda fought for her, but I don't think they could have done what you did."

"I can't decide if you're underestimating them or overselling me...a bit of both, actually."

"Look, the stuff I gave you so much Hell about is the same stuff that got you and her out of that mess. You're quick, in the head and body, you got a good sense for what people are gonna do, and comin' up with somethin' to get the upper hand. And...well, I didn't really think about it until it got messy, but the fact that you had to do a lot to survive all ya been through means you were willin' to do the sorta things necessary to keep ya both alive."

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