Page 62 of Passion and Payback

“Worse, I start believing a whole lot of other things that would have horrified me once upon a time.”

“Like what?”

“Like the idea that there’s no real justice in this world, just the kind you make yourself,” he said with a low savagery to his voice. “And the only way I’m going to know peace is if those three never again get the chance to hurt another person.”

I watched him for a few heartbeats, not surprised but sad to find I wasn’t shocked by his words. Gone was the man I’d grown up with. Parts of that man were still around. I could see it more often than I couldn’t. But parts of him had also been replaced or simply disappeared.

“Are you…set on that?” I asked him.

His gaze drifted to the window as he stared, a distant look in his eyes. I watched for a hint of sadness, regret, or hesitation. Instead, there was quiet contemplation, more unnerving than any savagery or rage. It wasn’t the face of a man stuck in a fury or of a man doubting his own beliefs. I was left feeling that he was gearing himself up for what he was about to say and do.

“I think...I’m never going to know the peace I need without something drastic,” he admitted softly. All I can think about is how much they took from me and how most of that I’ll never get back. And then I find myself wondering if there are others like me—others who lost everything to their foulness, to their greed, their...monstrous urges.”

“You did listen to me when I told you that story, right? This isn’t a path that’s easy to come back from. And the idea that it will give you peace is questionable at best.”

“I already don’t have peace, Kai. It’s gotten better, but every day has been a struggle to find peace. Before, it was a constant fight just to function in a way that wasn’t terrifying to people.”

“And I bet once upon a time, you thought that would never come, and you’d never find a chance to even strive for peace. Yet here you are, trying.”

“And failing miserably.”

“I know, but each step?—”

“I amtiredof constantly fighting for scraps while those bastards get to live their lives without so much as a shred of worry, concern, or pain. While they could have been out there for the past two years, leaving even more people shattered and broken because they can’t behave like normal people.”

“I’m not sure they even know the concept of normal,” I said. You don’t do what they did to two ordinary people and have a ‘normal’ view of life and people.

“I understand if you don’t agree with me,” he said, giving me a sad smile. “It isn’t as if what I’m...I was going to say suggesting, but that doesn’t cover it, does it? I’m making up my mind whether I want to hunt those three down and make them regret ever seeing me right before I kill them.

And there it was, the truth spoken aloud instead of alluded to or hinted at. It was strange, but that kind of bald truth-telling, although hesitant, told me more about his mindset thananything else. If he could put it into words, then he was bound and determined to put it into action.

“And I’m not asking you...anything,” he added quickly. “Probably shouldn’t even be telling you. Something, something, accessory before the fact if I remember my random semester of law in college.”

I had to turn to face him head-on, putting my hands on his shoulders and squeezing. “Listen to me. I’m not bothered by what you’re contemplating or that it sounds like you’re committing yourself to that course. Not because of the legal trouble we could get into, and not because ‘oh no, revenge is always wrong’ but...you do know this is revenge, right? Not some form of justice.”

“It can be both,” he said, his eyes lighting with the fire I’d seen on the street corner. “Bloody justice is still justice. Just with sharper edges and a nastier intent.”

“Yeah, I guess you have a point there,” I said with a wince.

“Like I said, I get it, you?—”

“No, you don’t.”

“Then what?”

I sighed heavily, reaching up to run my hand over the top of his head and down to the back where I held him. “When I first joined the military, it was because...well, it was a whole mess of things. I hoped it would help me get my shit together, which in its own messy way, it did. I also hoped it would give me something to work toward, to strive for, rather than drift like I was before. And it did.”

“I never told you this, but,” he bit his lip lightly, “I always thought the military suited you. A place for you to put all that anger into a productive space, but also because I always saw you as kind of a protector and fighter wrapped into one. Even when you told me what you’d be doing over there, yeah, I was worried, but another part of me thought that was perfect for you.”

“And you were right,” I said with a mirthless laugh. “I found my place in the military, and I excelled at it. I was a warrior, and maybe you could call it protector, but I’m not here to argue. At the end of the day, I always found myself thinking, even knowing that I was good at what I did, that if I had to do those things, let it be so other people wouldn’t have to.”

“People like me, I’m betting.”

“And you’d be betting right. You were always the person I thought of. It was enough, even in the worst of times, to know that if I had to do those things so people like you and even Lucas could live normal lives, to have your little café, your apartment, your happy lives untouched by the darkness and awfulness in this world, then that’s the price I would willingly pay over and over again.”

“But that’s not what happened.”

“No, something I couldn’t prevent happened to you both, and now...now you’re setting yourself on a path that will bring you into the darkness I wanted you never to have more than a glimpse of.”

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