Page 42 of Passion and Payback

“I’m sorry. I really am.”

“I know, but that was…Jesus, a decade ago. I’ve had time to work through how I felt. And I knew I couldn’t keep kicking myself over it. Maybe, in some fucked up way, I spared myself more pain by not letting things go deeper. It would have been way worse to lose him after that.”

“I guess,” I said, feeling slightly sad for them. Kai had never had the chance to figure out if it was something he wanted, and Logan had died without knowing someone like Kai could care about him like that. As someone who had known Kai since we were in single digit ages, I knew how special it was to be cared for and even loved by him. Hopefully, if there was an afterlife, Logan had figured that out after he’d died and maybe was kicking himself for not saying something.

“Want to know something else fucked up?” Kai asked, looking wary for the first time since we’d changed topics.

“What’s that?” I asked, wondering if I should be worried.

“After Logan died, I decided I wouldn’t make the same mistake with you. Told myself that when I got back from thatdeployment, I was going to fess up about how I’d felt about you for years. And whatever you said, however you reacted, I was going to deal with it like I tried to deal with all my other problems,” he said, giving a wry twist of his lips. “But you know, life had other plans.”

I frowned, trying to remember back then, and grunted. “Chris.”

“Yeah, you were dating Chris when I got back. And you two broke up right before I left.”

“You could have told me then.”

“I was not going to tell you I’d been holding a torch for you when you’d just broken up with your first serious boyfriend. Jesus, talk about swooping in from the wings.”

I laughed at that. “You probably should have. If only because it would havepissedChris off.”

“Really?”

“Oh, yeah. I kept it from you, but the guy was so stupidly jealous of you. Kept insisting you weren’t straight and that you were waiting to grab me for yourself.”

“Well, he was half right.”

I smiled at that. “And he was wrong about the kind of person you were…obviously. Even when the opportunity presented itself, you didn’t take it. You went back overseas without saying a word.”

“And then I came back just in time for you to have been dating Derek for a couple of years.”

“And then broke uprightbefore you came back. So once again, you decided to hold back.”

“And that’s when you ended up?—”

I sighed, touched by his gentleness that seemed so at odds with his rough exterior and completely exasperated. “You can say it. That’s when I met Lucas.”

“Yeah,” he said. “He was the first one I ever really hated.”

“Really? Even Chris? I thought you hated him.”

“Chris was a control freak with jealousy issues and an ego that could have formed its own landmass if it was let loose.”

“You do have a way with words.”

“Lucas was…Lucas was a good guy. It was obvious he was perfect for you, and I could tell he was crazy about you even when you were purposefully slowing things down so you didn’t repeat the mistakes of the past. I also knew you wanted to push past that worry and charge ahead, but you kept holding back. He waited for you, let you make him wait, and I knew once you went long enough, the two of you would be together forever.”

As much as I’d told him he didn’t have to hold back, his words sent a pang through my chest. “Yeah, well, like you said, life had other plans.”

“I never wanted that…for either of you.”

“Jesus, Kai, I know that. I know you didn’t want that to happen to him.”

“I know I just…I hated him because he was perfect for you, and I saw the thin thread of a chance ever to speak the truth disappear. And I mean, hell, it was like I told myself then, if it was going to disappear, I’d definitely choose it happening because you’d found the perfect guy.”

“He was perfect,” I said with a weak smile. “And you know, it’s because of you and your choices that I even got with him and all the others in the first place.”

“Huh?”

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