Page 54 of Passion and Payback

I raised a brow. “Well, try me. In case you missed it, some things have changed in the past few years to shift how I’m programmed.”

He stared at me for a moment before sighing. “I just…Iwantedto fight people, to hurt them. Hurting other people made me hurt a little less. And I hated that I felt like that because I kept seeing so many other people do that shit, and it just…feeds on itself. I enjoyed it and hated myself for that part of me that wanted to lash out at the world, anyone responsible for my life, or just…a good target for all that hurt.”

“You were partially right,” I said softly after he finished.

“What do you mean?”

“I mean, I wouldn’t have understood it,” I admitted, taking another sip of my drink. “Once upon a time. But now? Now I get it. I get it more than you might think.”

Because something inside me was made of teeth and claws. I’d always resisted that side of me, never really blaming myself for its existence. Who would grow up the way I did, with the parents I did, and not end up filled with anger and hate that constantly wanted to find its way to the surface? Yet, like Kai, I had resisted it, refusing to let that side of me take over. Unlike him, however, I could actually hold it back and restrain it.

That was until a week ago. True, two years ago had set everything into place for it to happen, but the internal dam had held. Maybe it was because I’d spent so long denying all that pain and rage that I didn’t know how to acknowledge it, let alone express it. And then came that asshole dealer with his fancy knife and his sadism. Now his sadism was gone from the world, and his knife? Well, that was tucked away from anyone else’s eyes, and sometimes I liked to pull it out and look at it, contemplating what other uses it might have.

So yes, I understood his position more than he knew.

“Sheesh,” he said, shaking his head. “It always frustrated me that you could never understand where I was coming from.”

“Well, now you can let go of that frustration. Because that’s twice tonight, I’ve finally understood where you were coming from.”

“And surprise, surprise, I hate it.”

“Hate that I understand?”

“Yeah.”

“Well, that’s just confusing.”

He sighed, setting his glass down and looking uncomfortable. “Because it means something has changed so much inside you that you can understand. It might have frustrated me, but it also meant there was…I don’t know, some innocence left I guess?Some part of you that still held on to basic human decency and being a good person.”

I eyed him, frowning slightly. “You realize you’re still a good person, right?”

“Someone clearly wasn’t listening to me.”

I rolled my eyes. “Clearly, I was. And maybe you’re right. Maybe you’re not a ‘good’ person. I mean, you wanted to hurt people, and you enjoyed it. But rather than do that, you fought it every step of the way and got control of yourself.”

“Only to join the military, where me hurting people was sanctioned.”

“Weren’t you the one who told me about guys who looked for trouble, or rather, to hurt people? Why would you care about people like that if you were one of them? Maybe there’s more to you and that decision than you’re giving yourself credit for.”

“There were other things, but sometimes…sometimes that’s all I can think about.”

“Or…maybe people aren’t supposed to be black and white. People are messy. They’re hard to pin down sometimes,” I said with a frown. “Maybe we’re just supposed to have people who live in worlds of gray, and that’s okay. You can have those feelings while controlling yourself and trying not to be that person. Some people get the luxury of not worrying about making the right choice, but that doesn’t make them better than someone who has to choose to be better.”

A bit of irony, if not outright hypocrisy, considering what I had been thinking and planning lately. Not that it was a plan, I was still deciding whether it was the path I wanted to follow. As much as I despised the three remaining men who had taken so much from me, murder wasn’t something I could just choose to do like I was making a coffee order.

And what did that say about me? Did that make me a bad person? Or was I sliding firmly into the gray area Kai had livedin his whole life? I had always pushed myself toward what I thought was right, and in many ways, that had come easily to me. Dark thoughts were brewing in my head, pulling me toward things I would have previously thought unthinkable.

Then again, was I considering it seriously, or was it just a revenge fantasy spawned from one ugly moment in an alley? Did Ireallyhave it in me to go after a trio of men who’d ruined my life just because they’d got away with it, or was it comforting to think about because it gave some control back to my life?

Maybe it was just a fantasy, or maybe it was like when the dealer had attacked me, I needed one more push to send me over the edge and into the abyss.

I sighed. “Sorry, that got really serious there for a minute, didn’t it?”

Kai winked at me. “If it did, then we have no one to blame but me, right?”

“I don’t know if blame is the right word,” I said with a small smile. “Let’s get back to the original topic.”

“Oh? You mean how you were dreaming of marrying me before you decided you wanted my dick?”

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