Page 74 of Last Chance Love

“You clearly didn’t getthatdisconnected. You can still find a whole lot of anger toward him and yourself, for that matter. If you really lost it as badly as you’re afraid you did, then why would you care? He would be just another asshole who abused the system and didn’t care who he hurt, and the mistake you made was understandable. You were just minding your own business. Yet here you are, taking your lumps, pissed at him and disappointed in yourself. That sounds like a perfectly moral person.”

It didn’t sound right, but for once, I understood what Leon meant when he said somethingfeltright. I’d been trying to navigate my feelings about the situation for years, from the moment I heard I was under investigation for two deaths. Then came one hit after another as I learned the details, learned how it had happened, and realized just how badly I’d screwed up.

I wasn’t absolved of my…of my what? Was it a mistake or was it neglect? Leon had made a good point. I hadn’t completely lost connection with my inner self. I still cared about what I’d done, or rather, what I hadn’t done. Whether it was a mistake or a product of being distant from everything around me at the time, I was still living with it. And I would never again make that choice or allow myself to do something like that.

Ambivalence was how I felt back then when I realized whathehad been doing. It was the same thing I felt now, thinking about whether I was going to continue to practice medicine in the future. Not because of the work that would have to go into getting my license again or the distrust I would receive. No, it was because I feared I had lost all connection with my original motivations for becoming a doctor, that all that care had disappeared, and if it had, what was the point of being responsible for people’s health and safety?

Yet, here I was, sitting in this clinic, not necessarily by choice, but I had never begrudged it. If anything, I had quietly become attached to it, enjoying what I did despite how quiet and slow it was compared to working in the never-ending energy and demand of the emergency room. That passion hadn’t been lost, not completely. Sublimated for a while, buried under my rightly deserved guilt and shame, and then quieted by the voice of fear…but not gone.

Finally, I chuckled, squeezing his hand. “You really need to trust yourself more often, you know that?”

Confusion tightened his brow, his lips thinning in what might be annoyance. “Why are we talking about me all of a sudden?”

“Because you got right to the root of the problem and found the perfect way to make me stop feeling sorry for myself and realize what I should have long ago,” I told him, leaning closer. “You need to start trusting your instincts and stop doubting yourself so much. You’re good at this shit, Leon. If it’s time I start realizing I’m not a lost cause, then you should too.”

Leon scoffed. “You really can’t help yourself, can you? You have to find a way to fit me into things.”

I arched a brow. “I need you to think about what you just said.”

“I…oh, that’s not?—”

I laughed, leaning in the rest of the way to kiss him. “Relax, alright? I just thought it was funny.”

Well, not really. He had no idea how true that was, but that conversation would have to wait until later. Right now, it was more important to get my point across to him and that he understood, than dealing with whatever was between us.

“Alright, fine,” he said with a groan as he pulled back slightly. “I’ll give it some thought, okay?”

“Give it more than just a thought.”

“Two thoughts.”

I snorted. “Three.”

“Two and a half.”

“Three, and I’ll take at least a week not giving you shit about your self-doubt issues.”

“Three and at least nine days.”

“Deal.”

He kissed me this time. “Deal.”

We both jerked when a voice came from down the hallway. “Reed? Is your boy toy here yet? I need someone to clean out this closet.”

“What’s the point of cleaning it if nobody uses it?” I wondered with a chuckle.

“Boy toy?” Leon asked with a frown. “I’m thirty-three.”

“You can take that up with her yourself,” I said as he got up from the chair, allowing me to slap his ass. “Get to work, boy toy.”

LEON

Taking a deep breath, I stood outside the double doors, forcing my hands to steady themselves. It wasn’t the first time I’d been in Mr. Isaiah’s office in the past few years, but it was the first time I had gone unannounced of my own accord. I could picture Reed if he could see me right now, rolling his eyes and probably resisting the urge to push me through the doors.

That last mental image finally prompted me to reach out and rap on the door. I’d never had to knock before, and I found the sound louder than I anticipated as my knuckles thumped roughly against the thick wood. I half expected some ominous echo throughout the hallway, but thankfully, the sound was dampened.

There was only a moment before I heard Mr. Isaiah’s cheerful, “Come in.”

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