Page 100 of Last Chance Love

At the ranch, though, my attention was focused on things that felt more important. The work, of course, kept us busy, and felt genuinely productive, like we were doing something more significant. But there were the events, getting to know people, and in the past year or so, being a mentor had taken a lot of my attention. It was harder to think about the past when your mind was focused on everything in your immediate vicinity.

And then there was Reed, whoshouldhave been a blatant reminder of the past but instead was another distraction that kept me afloat. There was a past between us, mostly sweet but trailing off into bitter, but that became less important the more we got to know each other in the present.

“We really do seem to be stuck in some bubble,” I admitted.

He nodded. “It’s like…I was surprised you had never seen snow, even though I knew from when we were friends and dating you’d never gone far from Houston. And from what few things you’ve said about the years after, you didn’t go further than that.”

“I didn’t,” I admitted. “It was my brothers who went exploring. I mean, I was stuck there while I was taking care of Ian and Ray. I suppose when I moved out and got my own place, moving them with me, I could have taken them anywhere else, but I didn’t want to move them from what they knew, from the city they knew best. All their friends were there, and I just…maybe things would have gone differently for all of us if I had.”

“Leon—”

“No, it’s true. It probably would have gone differently. I could have found some other place, maybe a house in a town somewhere, that would have charged as much or less than the shitty apartment I got. Somewhere, you didn’t have to memorize who you had to watch out for, those who could be scared off, and those who were harmless. Where hearing people beat the shit out of each other, their partners, their kids, wasn’t considered normal, and seeing cops on your street looking ready for war wasn’t your average Tuesday. Somewhere to live where you actuallywantedto talk to your neighbors. A place where sitting outside your place wasn’t considered a way to get harassed, stabbed, or robbed by some junkie or lowlife looking for quick cash from other desperate poor people. Somewhere…else.”

I expected Reed to protest and tell me I was wrong, but instead, he turned to face me, smiling a little. “Alright, when you think about having done that instead, what do you see in your head?”

“I mean, Ian might not have fallen in love so early and wanted to get married, but there would have been others. Maybe a nice small-town girl who made him laugh and took care of him. Ray could have lived where he didn’t feel like he had to be on guard all the time and could let others besides Ian into his heart. And I could have finally breathed, knowing I didn’t constantly have to watch every little thing. That we were living somewhere peaceful, safer than that shitty neighborhood. Hell, I might have made actual friends, felt like part of the community if we’re being cheesy. Then we wouldn’t have been where our childhoods were tainted from the start and followed us forever…or for as long as we lived anyway. Maybe I wouldn’t have spiraled as hard when Ian died, or maybe he wouldn’t have died at all unless there really is some fucked up clock attached to us, and no matter what, we go when we’re supposed to. I could have been in a better place. I could have been a better friend to you and myself. Instead, I?—”

He gripped my arm and gave it another squeeze. “What?”

I sighed, shaking my head. “It’s not nearly as interesting as some of the stories around here. Truth is, I spiraledhardafter our last conversation years ago. Took me a year to go from booze and pot to pills and then heroin.” I saw the grimace on his face. “I said it wasn’t interesting, not that it was pretty.”

“No,” he said quickly, flashing what I thought was supposed to be a reassuring smile. “That wasn’t. I’m not upset. If anything, I’m just…it hurts to hear. I always wondered if drugs had come into play, but I didn’t think it was important to ask.”

“Why?”

“Because you’re here. Because you’re not that person anymore. And if you felt you needed to tell me, you would. Otherwise, I thought it was important you do things how you wanted.”

“It’s not that big a deal,” I said with a shrug. “Common enough story. Shitty childhood, not that great an adulthood, shitty thing happens, and you turn to shit that makes it all…well. Heroin made it go away. For the first time in my life, it felt like all the awful things I’d gone through didn’t matter.”

It was impossible to describe to someone who hadn’t lived through what I had, especially someone who had never done hard drugs. The high hadn’t been some ecstatic, mind-blowing experience. It had simply been peace. When the drugs hit my bloodstream, it was like they had flown in, taken hold of all the horrible things inside me, and simply carried them away. Of course, it always made sure to drop it like a bombing raid when the heroin began to wear off, leaving me worse off than before.

“But as you know, with all drugs, you get addicted, you do it more, and you start getting desperate. You need more because you need it to keep feeling like you were while on it. More became more and,” I let out another sigh, “I started doing stupid shit. Doing ‘favors’ for people, and no, not sexual ones or hurting people, well, not hurting them more than I was hurting myself anyway.”

“You became a mule.”

“Sometimes I forget you’re more savvy than your average well-to-do kid from the good side of town.”

He laughed. “Well, I had this ruffian best friend who became my boyfriend. I learned some things from his life. Terrible influence.”

“He sounds like it,” I grinned. “But I’m sure working in an ER didn’t leave your ignorance intact.”

“That is very true,” he snorted. “I’ve probably seen things that would leave even you confused and bothered.”

“I don’t doubt it. No matter how low you think people will go, they’ll always go lower. I thought I’d hit bottom, and then I decided to take a risk I’d said I would never take.”

“Robbery?”

“Thank God no. I just started carrying more stuff than I normally would. It meant a bigger payoff, and that meant more shit for me to shove into my body. It was a stupid risk I swore I’d never do, and lo and behold, I got busted the first time I did it.”

“Oof, that much?”

“Enough to get my ass thrown in prison and for a good long while too,” I said with a snort. “There wasn’t a whole lot I could do to fight it. They were bringing about that whole ‘tough on drugs’ thing they love to do every few years. I just happened to have the honor of being one of the first people to get sacrificed on the altar of the mayor, proving he was doing something. Useless sack of shit.”

“I think that’s true of most politicians. Did you do anything to get a lesser sentence?”

“If you mean sell people out, hell no. I don’t give a flaming shit about their lives, but I still valued mine. Plus, Ray may not want anything to do with me, but I’m still…I know he still loves me.”

“He has a funny way of showing it.”

---