Page 138 of Sumanika

"You know, when you’re upset, the world can tell," I said slowly, and he chuckled.

"Trust me, when I’m upset, no one can tell," he said in a slow voice, and I lifted my gaze to meet his. He looked back at me; those green eyes made my heart race effortlessly.

"Why didn’t you tell your brothers about all of this?" I managed to ask slowly, and he shook his head while responding.

"It was not, is not, and will never be something I am proud of. So, it's not worth sharing. What happened has happened. Talking about it won’t make it undone or wash it away. It will just hurt them and bring me back to the place from which I was running away." His voice was low, and I couldn’t help but smile weakly while nodding.

"I can relate to that. I can’t share everything about my failures either; I mean, I can’t talk about my deceased husband and the life I went through with everyone because, honestly, even mentioning it hurts," I replied slowly, and he smiled.

"No, talking about it with the right person will never hurt. Someone you trust to understand and just be with you. Like, Bhabhisa," he said, and I felt a pang in my chest for some reason, lowering my gaze as I remembered how he was there for me when I needed him.

"Like you, Kunwar Agastya," I muttered, lifting my gaze to meet his.

Suddenly, he leaned closer, and my heart raced while my breathing quickened. My lips quivered, but he stopped just an inch away. My flickering gaze dropped to his soft, full lips, flickering between his eyes and mine.

"I’m not making any commitments, Kunwarsa," I whispered slowly, and he shook his head.

"I don’t need commitments."

I gulped nervously and managed to ask, "What would this mean?"

He gulped silently and looked into my eyes.

"Anything you want it to mean."

I clenched my hands tightly and closed my eyes slightly in fear.

I waited, feeling the air rising to greet his lips on mine, but I felt those soft, dark pink petals against my nose.

I calmed down instantly and loosened my grip while opening my eyes to see him.

"You should go now," he said, and I didn’t understand why it tightened my chest.

"Okay," I muttered, his hand slipping away from mine. An ache bubbled within me, a longing to forget everything and hold him tightly for both our sakes. I felt a heaviness inside me; I wanted to kiss him then and tell him I was scared, but I still wanted to be with him.

However, the fear of being hurt again won out, and I silently stood up to leave.

As I took a few steps away, letting water drop off my clothes, he suddenly called, "Suman."

I turned back immediately to look at him.

"Ji?"

"A shawl will be there; take it; it must be windy, or you’ll catch cold," he said, and I nodded.

Agastya

She left, and I didn’t understand why I felt so bad. This realization was forming in my heart—that I shouldn’t force her to come to me. I shouldn’t have harmed myself to come here and see me. If she kept seeing and talking to me, she would fall for me even more without even realizing it.

I rubbed my face and sighed with frustration.

This was the perfect example of a fucked up life. You have a wife, but you don’t have a wife. You love someone, but you can’t tell her.

She was right—there was no doubt about it. But I didn’t know I would fall in love after what happened in my past. After sleeping with that married princess, I was sure I wouldn’t find love, so I didn’t feel compelled to be better.

What I unconsciously manifested lights and became my reality. I didn’t realize that my fear had turned into darkness, but I felt I should stay away from her.

My presence wouldn’t offer her any comfort, only trauma. I also didn’t want a sympathetic relationship.

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