Page 134 of Sumanika

And then there was me.

What the hell had I done with my life? I didn’t know what would happen now. I wanted her, loved her, and told her what I was feeling. I tried to talk to her; I needed to make her happy.

I knew I made mistakes, and there were no excuses for them. When I could have been a person with greater control, I let my emotions and emptiness overwhelm me. All the while, I knew I was falling, and I knew I was ruining my life, but I still went ahead with it.

But I couldn’t ruin her life. I couldn’t make her uncomfortable or doubt her emotions and life. I couldn’t make her fall in love with someone like me and suffer because of it.

I knew I was just teasing her at first. But I was feeling attracted. I craved her attention.

I didn’t know she was different. But the night she entered my chamber and sat silently in front of me, I realized she was another woman.

She was the one who wasn’t seeing me as a spoiled, womanizing prince but something more.

But it all went in vain, and I understood this when she brought up my visit to the brothel and my appearances in our kingdom. That day, I began to realize she wasn’t intentionally bringing it up but was affected by it all.

And somewhere, she didn’t trust me. She didn’t like it. And there was no point in any relationship if she couldn’t trust me, and she wouldn’t be happy, constantly doubting me.

She didn’t need me for anything. She was working, had responsibilities, and everything she wanted. So why would she choose to be with me? Just because of an incident?

And no one knew about it.

But I needed her. I craved her. I wanted her to hug me and tell me she understood, that she would trust me, and that she knew I would never do this again. It hurt when she said she couldn’t do it. I knew she didn’t have to, but why couldn’t she? I was falling for her. I wanted her to be my wife and spend her life with me. I would do everything for her; I would keep her happy. But that would be coercive if she didn’t feel anything for me, wouldn’t it?

"Kunwarsa," suddenly the voice of an attendee caught my attention, and I wiped the tears from my face and looked at her.

She walked closer and said, "Your lunch, Kunwarsa."

I inhaled deeply and muttered, "I'm not hungry. Take it back."

She blinked nervously and replied, "But what will I say if Ranisa asks me?"

"Tell her that I had lunch, simple. Now go," I said as I watched her hand back the lunch.

I felt bad.

But I couldn’t stay here like this. It was another heartbreak. I should respect her decision to choose for herself, and she made a good choice. I shouldn’t be selfish.

I inhaled deeply and stood up from the bed to walk to the workout area. I took off my kurta and started exercising to take my mind off her.

I had to forget her sometimes, just as she would do. I needed to focus on the war; it was important.

I began with push-ups, counting loudly to keep my mind on the numbers, not her.

"One," I exclaimed as I started.

I tried to concentrate and continue counting, but without realizing it, my mind drifted back to her. I recalled how she cried silently and asked to leave, and how she said she couldn't trust me.

My body heated up, and I kept doing the push-ups. But nothing was happening. I kept thinking about her even more—the moments I spent with her, my dagger, our kisses. I knew that if I kissed her, it would be game over. Why the hell didn’t I stop myself?

But she was beautiful—the most beautiful person inside and out. She used to look at me with timidity and slight frustration, with fear and right on me, like she owned me.

Amid all the thoughts, I did not realize that I had counted more than five hundred. I lay down on the sand in the sunlight, tired and sweating.

And one thing was certain: I wanted only her. No one else. Her comforting scent had clouded my mind; her eyes had ruined all other eyes for me. Her moans were the best, and I craved more. I needed her.

I let out a deep sigh and cradled my face in my hands.

"I fucking love you so much, Suman. You need to understand that,” I whispered in frustration, gritting my teeth.

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