Page 130 of Sumanika

"I did whatever she asked me to do that night. She dominated me, releasing all of her frustration with men. She pulled my hair, choked my neck, and filled my ear with cursing words. That day, I felt scared of a woman. I literally did. I had never seen such sight of a woman before. I remained silent, but it hurt me. And, in the morning, she agreed to do that for me and told me how she was kidnapped and brought here because she was beautiful. I did not know what I was doing, Suman," He said and looked at me with a tearful gaze. I did not know what to say.

“I don’t want to keep you in the dark, Suman. I can’t predict what part of my past might come back to me any day; I just don’t want you to be sad and caught off guard by it,” He said, and I smiled weakly.

“You know, after that, I accepted that I was a bad man, a bad human being. I accepted that I was good for nothing, and my life took a depressing turn from there. I did get the information for that Kingdom, but in return, I lost a part of myself, like all the time. My teacher was happy with her, and he started to ask me for information more often. I made contacts. You know, there’s something strange about this world. People say it’s dominated by men. They say men make the rules and own it. But surprisingly, my experience was different. I found no man who had not been in touch with a woman. And I hadn’t found any woman who was not hurt by a man. I learned this and started to use it as my trick. I would be good to a woman, she would be good to me, and it would always be a win-win,” he said, and I sucked on my lips.

"Did you ever hurt any woman? I mean, it would not be too difficult for a woman to fall for you," I said in a slow voice, and he shook his head.

“For the woman, I am not made for love. They knew what I was doing, and no woman would fall in love with a man like me. Never. They would enjoy me and share their stories, but they wouldn’t ask about me. In all of this, I went too far and forgot why I stepped out of my home,” he said, and I lowered my gaze.

“I forgot what I wanted; I forgot that I left my home to talk, to tell someone how empty I was feeling. My charm, smile, and jokes masked it all for me. No one would ever guess that I could feel this emptiness. They always saw me as joyful, lovely, and someone delightful to spend time with,” he said, and I blinked silently.

“And with all the emptiness, guilt, and regrets, I never found the courage to tell any woman that I liked her or that I had feelings for her. I was too afraid of rejection and being laughed at. For instance, I once told a girl that I enjoyed spending time with her, and she laughed at me. She mocked me and said she was having fun with me too. Since then, emotional connections became something I felt I would never have in my life. I lost hope for that. Then, one time, when I gathered all my courage to tell this beautiful princess that I liked her, she called me a manwhore. Honestly, I am,” he said, sighing deeply.

“I’m a manwhore, Suman,” he said. I gulped silently and gazed at the fire. Honestly, I didn’t know what to say. I felt bad, and there was something else I felt. I never expected his past to be like this.

“I am not a good man, Suman. I am not like my brothers, who saved themselves for their wives. I am a spoiled man. By the time I realized I was a spoiled man, it was too late. I cannot erase what I have done. I did all of this consciously, and I cannot express my disdain for them in kind words because it is what it is. In all of this, I have lost a part of myself to them, Suman. I can never be whole again. My thoughts are always scattered, and I carry so much within me that I can never be empty again,” he said, and I saw fresh tears rolling down his cheeks.

“I lost all hope of finding that one person who would ask me what I had within me until I met this woman who needed saving. After spending my early adulthood with many different women, I developed a soft spot for them. Their stories shaped me. Any day, I would choose to save a woman over my happiness. That’s why when I read the letter for you, I couldn’t stop myself from searching for you,” he said, and I inhaled sharply, silently. Tears began to blur my vision.

“I couldn’t stop myself from fighting for you. I wanted to protect you, save you, and bring you back home. But I had to pretend to marry you to keep you safe. Trust me, I’ve never done anything like that for any woman before. I didn’t feel anything while I did it; it was purely for your safety. I knew I was protecting you, just another woman under the rule of a male-dominated society. But the moment we entered this cottage, in the home of my childhood, I felt like I finally had a chance to tell someone about myself,” he said, and I bit my lower lip, trying not to cry.

“But the way you preached about loyalty made me realize that I’m not meant for you. I understand what you’ve been through, and I know how hard it is for you to trust someone—a man—again. I know it’s difficult for you to be with someone like me, and I completely get that. I see it’s tough for you to trust a man like me again. I understand… I totally understand. And the way you look at me, Suman, I see a hope in your eyes that I’ve never seen in any woman before. Honestly, it scares me. It reminds me of my past and makes me aware that I’m not a good man—not for any woman and especially not for you. It puts me on edge, Suman. I’m afraid of hurting you. I don’t want to, and I knew I couldn’t keep you in the dark,” he said, looking at me.

“Suman,” he called, and I blinked silently before turning to face him. Tears streamed down my cheeks.

“Suman, I cannot hide from you. I have killed people, and I have slept with women for information, sympathy, and even pleasure. I am not the good man you think I am. I play with words; I am clever, and I make people do what I want. I am too bad for you. I do not expect you to love me; I cannot. I do not deserve that after everything I have done in my life. I am not a good man, and I know you cannot trust someone like me. I understand it’s difficult for you. Being with me will always make you feel scared; you will feel suspicious of me cheating on you, hiding from you, or something like that. It’s understandable. You truly deserve better, Suman. I’m telling you this now because I find myself at that point in life again where I am seeking an escape, running from everything to find someone to hold on to. One more day with you will break my guard, and I will never be able to come back from that.”

He lowered his gaze and inhaled deeply.

“I’m falling for you, Suman,” he said, and I let more tears stream down my face.

“And I don’t have very decent intentions for you, either. I want to be with you through thick and thin. I want to be with you for the rest of my life. But,” he said, and I looked up at him.“But?”

He gulped.“But if we were together, there wouldn’t be any space for doubts, suspicions, or escape. You will be my everything, and I will be your everything,” he said, and I lowered my gaze.

“And there will be no one between us. Not your deceased husband, not the women I’ve met, and not even this world. I will be there for you, and you will be there for me. I want to explore everything with you, and you can do the same. There will be no titles between us. I won’t be the Prince, and you won’t be the maid. We will just be two individuals, two souls,” he said, and I felt his hand on mine.

“I want to spend the rest of my life with you, Suman. But you don’t have to say anything right now,” he shook his head.

“Take your time. If you want to leave, I’m not stopping you. You’ll find someone much better than me. Even Bhan Singh is a good guy. I’ve heard things about him. He’s someone I’ve never met before,” he chuckled.

“I’m not lying, Suman. I’m a bad man; you don’t have to be with me. You earn for yourself; you’re on your own. You don’t need me or any man if you don’t want to. Because of that incident, you don’t have to be with me. You have the freedom to decide, and I’m not in any hurry. You can tell me whenever you want. You don’t have to be with me if you don’t want to,” he said, and I lowered my gaze from him. I didn’t know what to say. It felt like too much all of a sudden. I let the fresh tears roll down my cheeks, and I couldn’t stop myself from speaking.

"I want to go home,"

I pulled my hand away from his. "I want to go home, Kunwarsa," I said as I stood up and wiped my tears. His voice turned hoarse. "Oh, okay," he replied, and I watched him wipe his own tears before walking toward Ashwait. My heart felt like it was caught in a storm—a storm of life, a storm of pain and love.

He helped me onto the horse and climbed in behind me. The ride back to the kingdom was silent, and when I stepped down from the horse, I turned to go back to my chamber. But he held my hand and stopped me. I tried not to cry as I looked into his red eyes.

"Are you okay, Suman?" he asked slowly. He licked his lips, and I gulped silently, feeling broken inside.

"I need time, Kunwarsa," I said softly. He nodded and let go of my hand. I didn’t know why, but hearing that from him felt more brutal. I always knew he had a past filled with women. It was something I couldn’t say I hadn’t expected. I anticipated it from him, but it hurt even more to know.

I returned to my room and sat on the mattress, pulling my knees to my chest as I cried. It hurt—it was painful. I felt betrayed. I didn’t understand why. My heart felt heavy as fresh tears rolled down my cheeks. There was a strange weight on my chest, something I couldn’t shake off.

Why did he have to tell me all of this? I wished he hadn’t. I could understand what he had gone through because I had spent my life running from one thing to another, losing hope in people. But why did he have to tell me in this way? When he mentioned that he had lost parts of himself in the past and that they would never return, it sliced through my heart. I didn’t know what to do next.

I closed my eyes and burst into silent tears, unsure of why I was crying. I laid back and hid under the comforter, his words circling in my mind. I knew I wouldn’t be his first or second, but I didn’t want to know that. I didn’t know how to face him. We weren’t in love, so why did it hurt so much? My heart broke even more when I learned my husband had slept with another woman.

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