Page 96 of Dirty Grovel

When she’s gone, my mother turns to me. “How much of our conversation did you hear?”

I don’t look at her. “Enough to wonder what your motives are.”

“Would you believe me if I told you that my only motive is your happiness?”

“Probably not.”

Oksana sighs. “I know I have not always been the best mother. But that doesn’t mean I don’t care.”

“I know.” I can still hear her anguished screams on the dock as smoke and fire filled my nostrils. “I wasn’t really unconscious, you know. The day of the explosion, when I was thrown off the boat… I heard you screaming for her. You wouldn’t have been able to make those sounds if you didn’t love her.”

Oksana shakes her head. Her eyes are dry but they’re hazy, distant, seeing things that aren’t actually there. At least, not there anymore. “I didn’t see Oriana. I didn’t know where shewas. But I did see your body, lying there, bent and broken. I thought you were dead, you know.” She lifts her gaze to me. “I wasn’t just screaming for her, son. I was screaming for you, too.”

I sit down heavily into Sutton’s chair, the seat still warm from her body heat. “It should have been me that day. I should have been the one to die.”

“But you weren’t.” Oksana’s voice is softer than I’ve ever heard it. “And it would be poor repayment to waste your life away now.”

Frowning, I look up at her. “What are you trying to say?”

“Only this. You got the chance that Oriana didn’t. You got to live. So live.”

She picks up her coffee mug and leaves me to the solitude of the kitchen, her words echoing in my ears.

As far as Oksana is concerned, that might be as close to a blessing as I’m ever going to receive.

29

SUTTON

The skies are carrot-orange, tinged with rust, an explosion of gilded yellows with no trace of a cloud in sight.

We’ve been on the ocean for a full day now and I haven’t exchanged more than a few words with Oleg. He confined himself to one of the cabins almost immediately after we set sail, leaving me to mind my own business.

Not alone, though.

Unlike our usual boating trips, we’re accompanied by a full crew, which means if I do decide to jump overboard, someone will definitely see and alert Oleg.

I’m perched on the bow, sitting cross-legged on the deck as the dried blood horizon fades into black. Stars blink to life as darkness steals up from behind us. I lie back and look for constellations.

I can’t find any, though. No kings, no princes, no angels, no scales of justice. I just see empty space and lights failing to illuminate huge stretches of it.

It’s lonely up there for the stars.

It’s lonely down here for me.

“There you are,” Oleg says, startling me upright. “I thought you might have gone to bed by now.”

“I probably should.” I rub the fatigue out of my eyes as best as I can, refusing to look at him. But as tired as my body is, my mind is crackling with endless thoughts. “Everything alright?”

“Everything’s fine,” he says dismissively. “Just needed to coordinate a few things with the crew.”

“About Boris?”

He glances at me, his profile giving nothing away. “Boris is just one problem. I have a hundred more. There are several client briefings coming up and I haven’t prepared for any of them.”

“What do you need to do to prepare for them?”

“Proofread the documents, for one,” he explains curtly. “But I just don’t have the time or the patience for a job like that.”

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