Page 41 of Dirty Grovel

“Since you can’t trust a word I say, here’s proof of what I did at the clinic today.”

He checks the receipt first. “Paternity test…” he mutters under his breath before he moves on to the baby’s file.

His eyes pop when he looks at the sonogram pictures. He’s looking at a tiny little indecipherable blob, but it seems to hit him right between that scowl of his.

“It’s a clinic, Oleg. They deal with more than just abortions. They also deal with prenatal maternal care. Which is why I was there. I’m not sure about the privacy laws in Nassau, but if you need more proof, I can call the clinic and have you speak to the?—”

“Fuck, I’m sorry,” he sighs. “I… shouldn’t have assumed.” His hands drop. “I’ll go tomorrow… get the swab…” He raises his gaze to mine. “Iamsorry.”

Emotion clogs up my throat. For a moment, I can’t speak.

But I do have a lot to say.

He needs to hear this. I need to say it.

“Is this how it’s always going to be with us, Oleg?” I ask. “Am I always going to need receipts with you? Proof of my innocence? Evidence to back up every single thing I say to you?”

Even as I speak, the realization settles over me like lead in my stomach. I will never be enough for him.

Not that I should be surprised.

I wasn’t enough to get my father to stay.

I wasn’t enough to get my mother to be present.

I wasn’t enough for anyone in my life to put me first.

Why should Oleg Pavlov be any different? It’s just more proof that I’ve submitted to the Palmer Women Curse.

Can’t resist the wrong man.

Can’t run fast enough from the good ones.

Not that I’ve ever gotten within a stone’s throw of a good man. They’re like winged unicorns these days. More myth than reality.

Just another fairy tale I’ve put my misguided faith in.

“I’m sorry, too, you know,” I murmur. “Sorry that my word will never be enough for you. Sorry thatIwill never be enough for you.” He flinches. I ignore that and continue. “But the thing is, as inconvenient as it might be for both of us now, we do have this child in common. And I’m not sure I can deal with a lifetime of mistrust and unfounded accusations. That will only damage this baby and I can’t be responsible for that. If this shit continues, Iwillfight for full custody. And I will do anything to make sure my child is safe and happy. I grew up without a father and I felt that absence every day of my life—but in hindsight, I realize that maybe that was better than growing up with a bad one. Considering my mother’s penchant for choosing assholes, I would have been hurt a lot more by his presence than the lack of him.”

I take a step up into his face, bolstered by the conviction racing through my veins. “You might have the power, the influence, and the wealth, but don’t underestimate me, Oleg. I’m stronger than I look and more capable than I seem.”

Silence seeps in on the heels of my little speech.

I wait for him to break it. I’m certainly not going to be the one to do it.

Finally, he nods. “I’m going to Florida soon for work. We can both use the time to cool down. I will speak to you when I get back.”

He doesn’t mention the timing, but the unspoken truth settles between us all the same.

The paternity test results will be back by then.

14

SUTTON

My life in Nassau takes on a simple routine.

I wake up every day at six and go for a long swim. Then I putter around the estate, learning about the property, honing my gardening skills, and cooking whenever I need a little extra catharsis.

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