Page 28 of Dirty Grovel

She’s right.

I’ve just given myself a life sentence.

Oleg and I will forever and always be connected to each other through our child.

I will never be able to move on from him or forget him.

Because even if we keep our contact limited, every time I look at my child, I will see Oleg.

“Oh, God,” I whisper, my knees buckling despite the fact that I’m sitting on my bed. “Sydney… what do I do?”

“He must have some sort of plan,” Sydney suggests, completely unfazed by any of it. I suppose living for so many years with Paul has given her a high threshold for all things crazy and unconventional.

“H-he… wants to have a custody agreement drawn up. And he mentioned something about a monthly allowance.”

“So, he wants to maintain you then?” Sydney asks, all business. “And he wants to preserve your rights as the child’s mother? So far, I’m liking what I’m hearing.”

“Really? Because it’s turning my stomach.”

“Why?”

“Why?!” I squawk like a dying goose. “Sydney, now that this has become a reality, I’m not sure I can do it. Tie myself to a manwho intends to rule my life with attorneys and contracts? It all feels so… clinical.”

“That’s the beauty of it, Sut. You can remove all the emotion and benefit from a life of comfort. It’s the best of both worlds.”

I bite my lip.

Sydney’s eyebrows arch. “Oh, Sutton. Don’t tell me you’re still holding out for a fairy tale?”

“No, that’s not?—”

“You always were unreasonably into farfetched stories about brave knights and handsome princes and the princesses that they saved. But it’s about time you learned something: There’s no such thing as brave knights or handsome princes. And as for the princess—she has to save herself.”

“I’m not looking to be saved, Sydney.”

“Then why are you so down on this custody agreement? You and Oleg aren’t a couple anymore, right?”

I’m trying to fight the pain searing up my chest, but it’s burning too fiercely to ignore.

“No,” I choke out. “We’re not a couple anymore. We never really were.”

“Then there’s no need to be precious about it. It boils down to one thing: Do you think that Oleg will be a good father?”

I give myself a second to think about it. A couple of memories flash across my head.

Oleg in Artem and Faye’s home, doing cannonballs with Noah into the pool and spinning Lily around the garden.

Oleg sitting on the top deck of his yacht, staring up at the stars as he talked about his sister.

I believed it then and I believe it now—he likes to think of himself as a monster, but he’s not. I know he’s not.

“Yes, I think he will be a good father.”

Sydney nods as though she was expecting the answer. “Well, then this kid is already on solid footing. He or she will have something you and I never did. They’ll have a father who loves them and the financial stability to live comfortably and achieve whatever they want to achieve. Your kid is going to be set for life, Sutton. You can’t deny them that.”

“Nor do I want to. It’s just…”

“Ah,” Sydney says, narrowing her eyes at the screen. “I see.”

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