Page 120 of Dirty Grovel

“Have you always been this dramatic or is it simply a side effect of impending fatherhood?” Oksana asks in a bored voice.

“Says the woman who raised me.”

“I’m not the frigid bitch you imagine I am,” Oksana scolds.

“No, what am I thinking?” I mutter sarcastically. “You’re just warmth and sunshine, the very epitome of maternal love.”

Her mouth tightens into a flat line. “I know I haven’t always been the most… affectionate mother,” she admits. “But mothering never came naturally to me. That doesn’t mean I don’t love my children.”

“I know that.”

“I’m not just talking about Oriana, you know,” she adds gruffly, her voice shaking.

I smile soberly, wondering how we’d ended up in such murky territory as discussing each other’s feelings.

I blame Sutton for this.

“I would understand if you didn’t see me the same anymore, Maman. I am the reason Oriana isn’t here anymore.”

I have to wrench the words out of somewhere deep within me, my entire body rolling with unease the moment I force myself to say them.

Oksana doesn’t move, though. She stares back at me, statue-like.

“You made a mistake.”

“It was a big mistake,” I point out.

“Yes,” Oksana sighs. “And I’ll admit, there were days when I didn’t think I could forgive you.” Her lip trembles but she manages to gain control. “Then I realized, I already had. A long time ago.”

“Why?”

“Because…” She drops her gaze as though looking at me is too painful. “… you’re all I have of her now. My last child and only son. It isn’t until I saw you happy that I realized how much I wanted this for you.”

“Wanted what for me?” I ask, startled by her candor.

“A happy ending,” she explains. “I’ve never seen you look at another woman the way you look at Sutton. And that includes Elise.”

“I would have married Elise.”

Oksana nods. “That would have been another mistake.”

“Because we were young?”

“Because she didn’t have any of Sutton’s strength or resilience. She would have hated life in the Bratva. She was just too young to know it.” She shrugs. “In any case, Elise was your first love. Those never last.”

“Speaking from experience?”

She sighs. “Marrying into this world is a hard thing to do successfully. Either the Bratva suffers or the marriage does. Your father chose his Bratva over me. And in time, I returned the favor.” Her jaw clicks. “You have to be careful, Oleg. It’s easy tolose if you take it for granted. Take it from a woman who had a happily ever after—and lost it.”

“Why didn’t you leave him?” I ask. “Why didn’t he leave you?”

“I suppose we stayed for what we used to be to one another. We stayed for you and Oriana. We stayed because it was easy and it was comfortable.”

“I don’t want easy or comfortable.”

She nods. “No, I don’t think Sutton wants that, either. You have something special, Oleg. You have to do everything in your power to protect it.”

For the first time in my life, I find myself agreeing with my mother.

---