Page 142 of Daughter of No Worlds

“What are you saying, exactly?”

“I’m saying that I listened to you tell me for years how much you wish your father had not hesitated that day.”

My fingernails bit my palms as my next words lashed from between my teeth.

“If you’re implying that I should have—”

“No. Definitely not.” He shook his head, releasing another unfurling breath. I wanted his reaction to be stronger than it was. “But what if it was more? If it was going to kill you, would you let it? Because that would be something she would have to walk with for the rest of her life, too.”

I still saw the faces of my siblings every single time I blinked. Didn’t I know it.

“It wasn’t going to kill me.”

“You need to think about what you’d do if it got there.”

“We won’t let it get there.”

Sammerin gave me a look that veered infuriatingly close to pity.

“Don’t,” I growled.

“You’re in an unwinnable situation. And it knows that, especially now. It will use it against you.”

I hated how right he was.

We walked in silence, the smoke from his pipe clogging my lungs.

“I wish I could wrap this up in some kind of profound conclusion,” he said, at last. “Something more helpful than just telling you to be careful.”

I did, too — even though I suspected that even if he could, I wouldn’t like what it had to say.

Chapter Forty-Nine

Tisaanah

Ispent the night practicing the movements that I had brushed in the sparring ring, running my muscles over them again and again until I absorbed them into the core of my memory. Sleep held no appeal, even though I was exhausted. I thought, that after dragging myself across the ocean while I was actively dying, I knew what it was to be tired. No, that was nothing. This exhaustion drew from my soul.

Reshaye felt it too, apparently. It was silent. Good.

Max returned to my room after Sammerin left. He had his own quarters here, but he remained in mine, slumped in an armchair, critiquing my movements until his eyelids fluttered. Eventually, he was just a heap of limbs, head tipped back, snoring slightly — like his body had simply ceased to function.

We did not speak again about what had happened today, and for that, I was grateful.

I much preferred to think about the fact that, in mere days, I could see Serel again. Could have him back with me, safe.

If he was alive.

If I could find him.

If I could do any of it in the exceptionally narrow span of time that I had at my disposal, or with the exceptionally limited resources, and, of course, with the exceptionally unpredictable factor of Reshaye.

If, if, if.

Somewhere in the small hours of the morning, I put down my sparring stick and went to the window, pressing my fingers against the cool glass. My room was not at the top of the Towers, but it was certainly high enough to loom far above the ground. The Capital spread out beneath me like a toy replica, reduced to distant streetlights and blocks of impersonal moonlight. Even in the darkness, the Palace glittered in the distance, reflecting light that did not exist — or perhaps it reflected the flames that still glowed like fireplace embers along the outskirts of the city

I wondered if Nura and Zeryth were still out there, controlling the damage.

I wondered if lives were still slipping through their fingers, even now.

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