Page 61 of Ash and Feather

It was the first time I’d been out of my room since returning to this realm. I’d been determined to make it out today. To not let myself be overwhelmed by the sights and sounds throughout the palace, the things that reminded me of what I’d become. Where I lived now. What I couldn’t go back to.

Don’t look back, don’t look back…

I just had to find something to distract myself with and I would be fine.

The distraction of cooking had been Rieta’s idea—she’d reminded my shocked and addled self that I had loved it, once upon a time, and she’d rearranged the kitchen in a way she thought would suit me best before kicking all of the usual servants out of it.

Mairu had offered her help as well, and had ventured briefly to the mortal realm to gather up authentic ingredients that I was used to working with, even though they didn’t compare to the quality of the ones that originated in the divine realm.

They had both encouraged me to dig into these old recipes, to lose myself in the thrill of creating as I’d once been able to. They weren’t trying to erase my past; it wasmewho couldn’t seem to hold both Karys the goddess and Karys the elven rebel in her mind at once. It felt like trying to walk with two separate people controlling my legs.

I took a deep breath.

I was out of my room and moving, at least, even if I occasionally stumbled. Even if I didn’t feel like I could create anything real or worthwhile at the moment.

I was fine.

Everything was fine.

I surveyed the kitchen, pointing and calling out the things I would need for the next steps of the recipe. It was an old trick my sister had taught me—when my unconscious mind tried to overtake things and deaden my emotions, forcing it to focus on tangible things brought me back to the present. We used to turn it into a game, sometimes, trying to see who could point and call out the next tool or ingredient first. I could still hear her laughing when I stumbled over the words in my haste to get them out.

“Have everything you need?” came a voice from the doorway.

I wiped a tear from my eye before turning to find Rieta standing there with a box resting on her hip. “Yes, thank you.”

She studied me, her fingers tapping rhythmically against the box. “You look disappointed. I s’pose you were hoping I was the God of Fire?”

“No, it’s not that.”

She clucked her tongue in a disbelieving sort of way, but ultimately didn’t argue as she stepped inside and placed the box on one of the marbled countertops, mumbling to herself as she pawed through its contents. It looked to be more ingredients Mairu had sent.

“He’ll be back soon, I suspect,” Rieta said, more to herself than me.

I had barely spoken to Dravyn since our return, except to numbly recite the things I’d heard and witnessed. Not because I didn’t want to talk to him more, but because I didn’t know what else to say.

The space between us felt like a deep, dark ocean, the lands we’d come from too far apart from one another. And I was too tired to try and swim.

He’d spent much of these past days away from the palace and out of reach in all ways, anyhow. He was off setting fire to things on the edges of his territory, creating volcanic upheavals,and who knows what else,Rieta had explained. He seemed determined to reshape the very slopes and edges of his domain with violent, relentless energy.

I would have known this was what he was doing even if she hadn’t told me; I felt him and his restless magic clearly enough.

“He’s furious about what happened, isn’t he?” I asked, studying my knuckles. After two days, my divine blood had done its job, leaving behind little evidence of the cuts I’d sustained. “Furious with me for talking him into my plan…I should have known there would be things in that city I wasn’t ready to face.”

“He’s not furious withyou, love,” she replied, gathering up an armful of the dishes I’d dirtied and carrying them over to the wash basin. “He simply needs to be alone.”

I didn’t believe her, but I didn’t have the energy to argue, so I simply went back to my cooking. I had finally committed to the order I’d placed the ingredients in, and even though my hands itched to keep rearranging them, I resisted the urge.

I was determined to finish at leastonerecipe before the day was over.

Rieta busied herself with the dishes, polishing and drying nearly every cup and spoon before she spoke again.

“He’s always done this, ever since he was younger. Sometimes he’d disappear into the woods for days on end. He knows his temper, and he knows when he needs to walk away from things. Usually. The few times he hasn’t succeeded in doing that, well…” Her hands shook slightly as she tried to place a glass cup on the drying rack; it slipped, falling back into the wash basin, and the sound of glass striking metal reverberated throughout the room. “It’s better to let the fires have a chance to settle.”

My gaze caught on the bright red coals beneath the oven. “Or else innocents die in those fires,” I mumbled. “Like the elves of Ederis did.”

“Yes. And he’s never forgiven himself for that. I’d hoped he might make some kind of peace, with you now at his side, but with everything that’s happened lately…” She trailed off, sighing and shaking her head.

The past, it seems, is not finished with either of us.

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