Page 171 of Ash and Feather

I thought of Dravyn, of the complicated tension between him and the king, and my heart sank even further.

I’d made things between them worse instead of better.

He had to be worried about his brother. Yet he wasn’t in Altis. He wasn’t here, either—he’d traveled back to Nerithyl, to the territories of the Stone Court, in search of Armaros. He was on better terms with the Healing God than any other member of our own court, so he’d gone to him on my behalf—or my sister’s, rather—seeking something that might help claw Savna back from the deathly edge she balanced on.

Mairu had arrived in his place; she was currently watching over my old house, and over my sister, while I walked through my fires and tried to decide what the hell I was supposed to do next.

Everything I came up with felt wrong.

My very existencefelt wrong—like I shouldn’t have been here at all. Like I’d taken a thousand wrong turns; my obsession with maps and charts and patterns had not protected me from getting lost the way I’d so desperately wanted it to.

I’d stopped walking without realizing it. Tears tickled the edges of my eyes. I blinked them away and jogged to catch up with Valas, who gave me a long, searching look.

“I told the King of Galizur I could fix things,” I said, eyes straight ahead, focused on putting one foot after the other. “A ceasefire. I wanted that more than I’ve ever wanted anything.”

The Winter God continued watching me closely, his magic rising, settling over me and my simmering rage and grief like a comforting, weighted blanket.

Quietly, I said, “I thought I could fix it all.”

“Bit of a lofty expectation for yourself, wasn’t it?” I glanced over to see him smiling, as usual, but his eyes were sad.

I scrubbed the heel of my hand across my own eyes, swiping away the tears before they could fall.

“It wouldn’t have been such an impossible task if I hadn’t gotten it so wrong from the very beginning,” I said, voice tight with the fury I felt toward myself. “I’ve had so many chances where I could have undone mistakes I made, but instead, I only made more. With my magic, with the gods, with my sister. And with Andrel.” I couldn’t help the shudder that rippled through me at the mention of him. “With my sister out of his way, there will be no opposing voice within the rebellious ranks he leads. I was so desperate to pull my sister away from him that I didn’t think everything through the way I should have. I should have been smarter. Instead, I’ve given him more power. I’ve given him entirely too much power for years, now, and all he’s done, and all he will do—”

My throat swelled with emotion, choking me into silence. The rage building, filling up my heart and lungs and everything else, ensured I didn’t find my voice again any time soon.

Valas was quiet for a long moment before he said, “I don’t know if anyone’s ever told you this, but you are not responsible for anything he’s done. Not to you or otherwise.”

My heart thudded painfully hard against my chest.

I didn’t know what to say to this.

It didn’t undo any of the things that had happened, but something in the words soothed some of the rage building in me—or maybe it was his magic at work again, breathing cold, fresh life into that rage, turning it into something new.

Still anger, but a more purposeful kind.

He was primarily the god associated with Winter, but I was reminded now of the other things that fell under his domain. Like a certain kind of death—that which led to rebirth, just as the dark days of winter made tired hearts reach more eagerly for spring.

It was interesting, all the different powers of this divine family I’d found myself a part of, and how they conflicted and complimented one another—particularly when it came to different echoes of death and rebirth. Mairu, the Goddess of Change. Dravyn, whose fire could destroy, but also scour things clean. Zachar, who could suspend death and shepherd souls through it. And, of course, the god who walked beside me now…

It made me wonder once more at the depths and shades of my own power, and think again of the conversation I’d had with Zachar about letting things go.

I’d crash landed in the middle of them all, and in some ways, I’d been stumbling around ever since, trying to discover where my true strength actually was.

The words Dravyn said to me soon after I’d emerged from the Tower of Ascension played in my head again, as they so often had over the past weeks.

Fire will be the magic that comes most easily…but there’s more to you than what I gave you. The Moraki granted you power in addition to mine, and it’s impossible to say how much, or what you might shape that into.

I walked on with all these thoughts tangling up tight in my head. My feet were numb, my chest tight, my skin burning.

Valas stayed close, the cool weight of his power continuing to soothe my aches, both physical and otherwise.

“I may not be responsible for the things Andrel has done,” I said, eventually, breaking the silence, “but I still want to fix things. Heal things.”

Deep down, it was all I’d ever wanted to do.

I just kept getting it all wrong.

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