Page 18 of Flame and Sparrow

I must not have sounded convincing; I could feel him studying me. Questioning me.

“The gods and their worshippers are violent,” he said, as if I somehow wasn’t aware of that fact. “They leave us little choice but to answer with violence.”

“I know that.”

“I wish things were different. But they’re not.” He heaved a sigh.

We were quiet for several moments. Not the same easygoing quiet as before; this one felt…expectant. Like I needed to fill it with something. I just couldn’t decide on what that something was.

“Not losing your edge on me, are you?”

I jerked my gaze back down and found him with his hands shoved in his pockets, wearing another crooked grin. The question had sounded mostly teasing, but it still made my neck burn hotter, anger spiking in my blood and heating it—a fire directed more at myself than him.

My sister would never have been accused of losing her edge.

I had picked up her banner the day she disappeared, swearing I’d complete her goals at whatever the cost.

What was wrong with me tonight?

As if he could read my tumultuous thoughts, Andrel quietly said, “Savna believed in us, you know. In the power of our three houses, and all that’s been written about us, all the promise and possibility we carry. She believed we had a chance at restoration.” He let out a soft, humorless chuckle, a haunted sort of look in his eyes. “She believed in it even more than me, I think.”

“I know she did. So do I.”

His voice bordered on gentle as he added, “We can’t let the loss of her be in vain. She would want you to keep fighting, to carry on with her cause. And so many rallied to that cause after her death—”

I flinched.

Her death.

I knew she was dead. I’d accepted it at this point.

I just hated being reminded of it.

We’d never found her body after that fateful, bloody night. But almost a year to the day after her disappearance, Andrel had stumbled across some of her blood-stained clothing and weapons in the woods, the objects ragged and rusted as though they’d been there for some time.

He’d interrogated the humans in the nearby house about them. They’d been combative, uncooperative, and had forced him to take the investigation into his own hands. A quick search of their property found a covered trio of stone slabs—the kind of ceremonial slabs used in ritual body burnings. This wasn’t entirely surprising; the humans in this kingdom burned the deceased immediately after they passed—it was considered bad luck not to.

Each of the slabs featured a symbol of one of the three Creator gods in hopes of gaining their blessings, as per usual, but what had been strange about this particular set was the fourth symbol painted on the middle stone—an upside-down triangle dissected by three lines. A common ward against the elvish-kind.

So they had dealt with her body, we concluded. No human would have bothered seeking out her family to tell them what they’d done; humans didn’t care about giving us elves things like closure and peace.

Andrel had gathered up ashes and dirt from around the slabs and brought them back to me in hopes of giving me more closure. I’d been grateful for the gesture, but even then, despite all the mounting evidence against it, I’d clung to the possibility of her survival long after everyone else had given up.

Nearly a year ago, however, I’d finally agreed to a proper death ceremony for her. We’d burned her belongings and buried the ashes of them along with the dirt and ashes Andrel had collected. And I’d cried—truly cried—for the first time since the night she disappeared; up until then I’d turned mostly numb at any mention of her.

I clenched the sparrow hanging from my neck, determined not to cry now. I didn’t mean to trigger the bird’s sleeping magic, but I felt it happening anyway—a warm needling spreading over my scalp, tickling my ears, smoothing away their tapered ends before moving on to temporarily wash away my scars.

“I’m sorry,” Andrel said, and I could tell he truly was; the regret in his eyes was obvious. “I shouldn’t have said that. I didn’t mean to upset—”

“It’s fine. I should go, I…I was on my way back to bed earlier, anyway. I’d just wanted to say good night.” I slipped out of his cloak and handed it to him, then smiled as I stepped out of his reach. “So…good night.”

I hurried away before he could reply.

* * *

I didn’t go backto my room.

I knew I wouldn’t sleep if I laid down now, so instead I wandered in the opposite direction of my room and everyone else’s, hoping I could make myself tired if I walked long enough and far enough.

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