Page 120 of Flame and Sparrow

My heart felt as if it was splintering, the jagged pieces of it sharp and piercing through my chest.

How had I ended up in this place?

Here, where I’d fallen asleep with my head in the lap of my sworn enemy. He was still the same enemy. He’d just casuallyadmittedto some of the villainous, horrifying things I’d always suspected him of doing, and I was still holding tight to the hatred I felt over those things. We were both still the same. He had not hurt me personally, but he’d hurt plenty of others. I knew he was not safe. Not any better than the things that had broken me tonight, no matter how gently he’d been holding me.

Yet, tonight…tonight it felt like all of us were devils, and I just didn’t want to be alone in this hell.

I thought I might vomit from the confusion. Or maybe it was the pain in my arm making me sick. Whatever the reason, I doubled over, holding my stomach as I felt bile rising in the back of my throat. I choked it back down, turning it into a cough that gave way to a whimper, and Dravyn shifted restlessly beside me.

“I am calling in that favor the God of Healing owes me,” he said. “Be angry about it if you’d like. I don’t care. I will not watch you suffer any more tonight.”

I gave a barely perceptible nod, leaning back against the wall as he got to his feet.

Everything that happened next blurred together. There were servants. Whispers. Movement. I felt pressure, a pulling at my clothing and hair, and somehow I ended up in my room, in my bed, with a clean night dress draped over my aching body.

At some point, I opened my eyes and saw a divine being approaching me. He was dark-skinned, with eyes the color of daffodils, and faint halos of light surrounded his head and his hands. Shining gold and white ribbons twisted around him as he moved. Whether they were a part of his magic or his physical form, I didn’t know; I couldn’t tell with my blurry vision.

I heard his voice—a crisp breeze breaking through the oppressive heat of late summer—but the only part of his introduction I caught was his name.Armaros.I held to that name like it was the last rope tethering me to existence. I could almost sense the nightmares waiting for me to let go of it, crouched like beasts in the shadows, preparing to pounce.

Every time I blinked, they drew closer.

It continued like this throughout the night: The God of Healing was there when I opened my eyes, golden and bright, his magic weaving around me and soothing away the pain. But when I closed my eyes, it was nightmarish fire that met me—the same scene I’d dreamt of before, of Dravyn and me surrounded by flames, glass rain falling all around us.

Back and forth the images went, healing and heat all twisting more tightly together with every flutter of my eyelids until I could no longer tell what was saving me and what was destroying me.

Chapter34

A week passed,and, with the help of the Healing Marr’s magic, I was finally no longer in pain. Physically speaking, anyway.

Dravyn avoided me for most of the week, aside from occasional check-ins to make certain I was still recovering. I didn’t go out of my way to see him, either. It was a strange sort of dance we did, moving through the palace, fully aware of and bound more completely than ever to one another, yet avoiding even the simplest bit of eye contact.

Even though we barely spoke, I couldn’t stop thinking about what had happened on the night of my return—replaying the images of his fires surrounding me, his arms wrapping around me. Protecting me.

He was giving me space so I could heal without the complications of whatever feelings we had toward one another, I knew.

But as the days went by, an emptiness yawned ever wider in my chest—like my heart was clearing room for someone who never arrived—and I was forced to admit to myself thatspacewas not what I really wanted most.

More than that, I wantedhim.

It was different from the sparks of desire I’d felt when he’d kissed me. Deeper. More and more I found myself simply wanting to talk to him, wishing he’d linger longer when he came to check on me. Thinking of the mere possibility of these things brought me comfort, and I guess I was desperate for comfort after my disastrous trip home—even if it came with a side of guilt.

Meanwhile, the knife Cillian had given me remained close by. Buried in the closet of my room. Just waiting for me to test it.

To see what divine things I could kill with it.

Its blade had shifted to black—I assumed upon its exposure to this realm’s magic—and it hadn’t changed back. It hummed with a restless energy most of the time, too. Soft and subtle, but even as deeply as I’d buried it, my sensitive ears still picked up the noise when I was trying to sleep at night. Or I imagined it making noise, at least, because I was so paranoid it was going to be found.

Needless to say, I slept very little.

My nights were filled with visions of fire and knives and poison, while my days were marred by a haziness I wasn’t used to feeling. I was usually so rigid, so organized, so good at outlining my goals and ideas…but how could I continue making the same plans as before?

Because Dravyn is only one god of many, was my mind’s stubborn answer to that.It isn’t about him. It’s what he represents—and what he represents killed your sister and threatens the very future of all your kind.

As the second week after my return began, I woke with all of these thoughts already loud and tumbling through my head.

I ate a quick breakfast, alone in my room, before heading out for fresh air. As I stepped outside, I immediately looked up, shivers shooting down my spine as I did. Though the sky was clear, I still pictured black shadows spilling over the brightness—an image that was hard to unsee. To unfeel.

The God of the Shade had not returned since his last harrowing visit, but it would only be a matter of time before he did. He was the one who would be responsible for my last trial, after all—though he apparently wasn’t as restless and eager to get on with things as the Marr beneath him were.

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