Page 32 of Unholy

“I suspect that’s what you saw in your dream. The moment I got it back. If so, I’m sorry you had to experience that, too. If I had known I somehow slipped into your mind, I would have pulled out. I was able to protect you from seeing the other trials. You witnessing that part was an accident.I can usually control it, but in highly emotional times, it sort of just happens.” I hate that I allowed it to happen. Hate that Levi had to feel it, too.

“Your soul. You got it back? How?” Levi asks, apparently unbothered by the fact that I forced him to feel indescribable pain all because I couldn’t control my powers. I was doing it all for him, and I needed him at that moment. It makes sense that my subconscious provided what I needed, but I hate it, nevertheless.

“Honestly, when I left you, I didn’t really have a plan.” I could still hear the door slam behind me as I stalked off. It felt like that was only yesterday. “So, I started with the only in I had. I went to my father. I told him what I wanted. He was very against the idea, but after some… persuasion… he told me where to start.”

“And where was that?” Levi asks, obviously invested in the story.

“By capturing an archangel.” I try to make the statement sound nonchalant, as if it’s no big deal.

“By what?!?” Levi exclaims, voice high and shrill. Apparently, my attempt was in vain.

“Capturing an archangel,” I repeat, shrugging.

“How did you do that?” His eyes are as big as saucers again, a mixture of disbelief and reverence.

“It wasn’t easy, but they can be summoned, kind of like demons. It’s just in a different way.” I force myself to stay in the present, away from the memories. Summoning that archangel was one of the most terrifying moments of my life. If only I knew what was to come. “With some help, I summoned one. I used holy fire from hell to trap him, then made him tell me where to find the trials.”

“Wow,” Levi says, looking at me with amazement. Then his expression falls, eyebrows creasing, “Wait… what trials?”

“So yeah…” I start, clearing my throat. I have to tread carefully. If I talk too much about them, I risk getting sucked back into them. “In order to get my soul back, I had to go through three trials to prove my worthiness. One of water. One of spirit. One of blood.”

“What did those entail?” Levi asks, reaching out to touch my face, then his hand trails down to the bruise over my heart.

“Can we skip this part?” I ask, grabbing Levi’s hand and holding it over my heart while looking deeply into his eyes. When Levi looks like he is going to protest, I say, “I promise I will tell you someday, but I really just do not want to relive them right now. They were… a lot.”

“I understand, but… I think I need to know, Killian. You don’t have to go into too much detail. I just… you left for three months. Then you come back and expect me to just believe you when you say you went through three trials to get your soul back?” Levi asks, his eyes begging me to tell him.

“I want to tell you. I’m just worried that I will get sucked back in. They were real, but they also weren’t real,” I try to explain. He looks unconvinced, though, so maybe I’m not doing a great job.

“Use me to ground you. You’re with me. You’re not there. Just… please. I need to know. What did you go through? Help me understand.” Levi grips my hand, offering me a small smile. I take a deep breath, then another, ignoring the pain in my ribs. I have to do this. I can do this. Through Levi, anything is possible.

“Okay. So, the first trial, I didn’t even know was a trial,” I start. Levi looks confused, and I laugh. “I’m serious. The archangel gave me coordinates. I ended up in the Judean desert. I don’t know how long I was there for. Felt like an eternity, but I just wandered around, trying to find the location of the trials. I had packed water and food, but not nearly enough. If I wasn’t half demon, I wouldn’t have survived.”

“40 days,” Levi says, and I look at him, confused. “You were there for 40 days. After Jesus was baptized, he got lost in the Judean desert for 40 days, being tempted by the devil.”

“I wasn’t tempted,” I say, but I suppose that was the root of the trial. I hadn’t thought about it that way.

“How did you find your way out?” he asks.

“Well, during the time that I was lost and wondering, I ran across animals here and there. That’s how I got some of the marks, but I survived them. It was running out of food and water that almost led to my demise.” I say, memories flashing in my mind of the caracal that attacked me. I only had a rock and a stick to fend it off with.

“Why didn’t you just… leave?”

“I was determined to find the trials. I was determined to no longer be a soulless demon. I wanted to be someone that was worthy of touching you.” I reach out but pause an inch away from Levi’s cheek. I’m still not worthy of touching him. He makes the decision for me, though. He leans into me, my fingers grazing his skin.

“You didn’t…” Levi starts, but I cut him off. I don't want him to lie to me, say I didn’t have to do it. I did. He would have never been able to accept me otherwise.

“Anyway, I was on death's door. I was sunburnt and injured from various animal attacks. I knew I was going to die soon. The thirst… I can’t even describe it to you. My throat was so dry. The hunger was nothing compared to the thirst. I had passed out, finally giving in to the sun. I prayed you were asleep so I could see you one last time. Tell you that I tried and that I didn’t want to leave you like this.” My voice cracks as I hold back my tears. The thought of never seeing Levi again. The hopelessness I had in that moment.

“Oh my god, that sounds… terrifying. How are you still here?” Levi’s voice is thick with concern and tears. Sunlight filters through the stained-glass windows, washing over our naked bodies and catching on the unshed tears in his eyes. It’s like looking at the aurora borealis in a clear daytime sky.

“I don’t remember what exactly happened. I just woke up in a tent with this lady giving me sips of water. Her name was Miriam. She was part of a colony, like a village, that made a home in the desert.”

“Oh wow. They just lived in the desert?” Levi asks, and I nod.

“Yeah. Miriam showed me a kindness that I had never seen. She reminded me a lot of my own mom. She nursed me back to health and offered me food and water. She helped me clean up and shave. After a few days with them, I left. I told them I needed to move on with my quest.”

“Did you find it?” Levi is clearly invested now, eyes following my every move.

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