Page 27 of Unholy

“That’s not…” I take a step toward Killian, the tears in my eyes finally making their way down my cheeks. I don’t stop them. They are the manifestation of my acceptance that maybe Killian is right, and I can’t stop the realization.

“Yes, it is! And yet you’re still loyal to him. Why? When it’s been me who has been visiting you for the past few months. Me who has appeared in your dreams to talk to you. Me who missed you so damn much that I couldn’t stand the thought of going more than a day without slipping into your mind while you slept.” Killian holds both hands to his chest, pressing harder with each sentence.

“It hasn’t been every day!” I say, but the response is weak. A tear falls off my chin, landing on my robe.

“Just because I didn’t make my presence known doesn’t mean I wasn’t there. I wanted to watch over you the only way I could, in your dreams. So, I checked on you to make sure you were okay. Sure, there were some days that I couldn’t be there because I was indisposed, but I tried. I always came back.” There’s a sort of desperation in Killian’s voice, as if he needs me to hear what he’s saying. It makes my heart hurt, and I can’t help but step closer to him. Killian reaches out but does not touch me. “I always saw you. I listened to you. I made you feel good.”

“He would have, too,” I respond, but I’m not sure I even really believe myself at this point. I’m only arguing to hold on to a last shred of hope. To convince myself more than Killian.

“But He didn’t! He could have but He chose not to!” Killian yells, looking me in the eye. “I chose to. Yet you’re still praying to Him. Still worshiping Him.”

“Of course! He is my God!” I yell back, because the entire thing sounds ludicrous. Who else am Isupposed to worship? Of course, I would worship the God that could send me to paradise to live for eternity with the rest of my family and friends that I had lost along the way.

“If He were in this room right now, what would you say to Him?” Killian asks, and the question catches me slightly off guard.

“Why won’t you forgive me?” I respond.

“I said what would you say to him, not what would you ask.”

It takes a few seconds for me to think about it. Everything I come up with are questions about forgiveness. “I would… I would say that I’m sorry for what I have done. I would tell him that I’m a good person, and I-I don’t deserve his silence.”

“You shouldn't have to beg Him to do anything.”

“None of it matters because He isn’t here!” I say, looking around the room, hoping that maybe God would make His presence known. Maybe he would finally see me in such distress, such peril, that He would intervene and smite the demon. But nothing happens. Just echoing words and silent tears.

“But I am! It’s me who has been here all along!” Killian hits his chest so hard, I don't know howhe didn’t knock the wind out of his lungs. “I’m right in front of your fucking face, and you still can’t fucking see me! You’re still looking for the God that abandoned you. But He willnevercome back. So, open your fucking eyes and see me, Levi! I’m right here! I’m not going anywhere! I’m not going to punish you and leave you! I will be here forever, if that’s what it takes! God made His choice! You have one too!”

“But I’ll burn in Hell if I choose you!” I scream, my voice raw with emotions as a steady stream of tears fall down my cheeks.

“Then I’ll set fire to my body, so you won’t burn alone.” Killian’s voice breaks, a single tear trailing down his cheek. I have never seen him cry before. In all honesty, I didn't think he was capable.

I pause, breath heaving, tears falling. Killian’s words send shivers down my spine. He would set fire to his body so I wouldn’t burn alone? God would never do that. In fact, He is clearly going to make me burn for a few hours of indiscretion. Hours that He didn’t even see.

How would He know what I had done? I had been honest with Him after that. I confessed to Him, but He’s still punishing me. Why? Is Killianright? Is He a petulant child? Why haven’t I been forgiven when those who have committed far more heinous crimes have?

“How? How do I let go of Heaven?” I ask Killian. The tears in my throat finally break my voice, and desperation fills up the cracks. I look at Killian, silently begging him to explain.

“You don’t let it go, Levi. You find it.” Killian closes the gap between us, pulling my body against his. His body is hard and warm, perfect in every way I remember. “You find Heaven in me. In us.” Killian captures my lips with a gentle kiss. And I know this is real. Killian is real. I don't pull away from the kiss. I welcome it. I have been starved of touch and acceptance. Killian is willing to give me both, not God. So why am I even fighting?

“Let me give you Heaven,” Killian murmurs against my lips. “I don’t want anything in return. No strings attached. I don’t need your worship or your loyalty. I just want to give you paradise.” Killian deepens our kiss, and I open my mouth to allow it.

If God wants to be a petulant child over something so minor, then I will stop giving Him attention. I will do the opposite. And what's moreopposite than kissing a demon on holy ground? It’s the divine equivalent to sleeping with my boyfriend in my parents’ bed.

“Is this okay, Father?” Killian asks, breaking our kiss completely. I whine, missing the contact of his lips immediately. It takes me several seconds to register what he asked.

“Yes…” I respond, confused. Why did he ask me for permission? He’s never done that. He just took what he wanted.

“Good.” Killian reaches beside us, grabbing a piece of bread from the table with a smile. “This is my body, which is given for you.” He holds it up to my lips. I don't even think about it; I refuse to. If I think about it, I may stop it, and, God help me, I don't want to stop this. Not anymore. “Do this in remembrance of me.”

Killian places the piece in my mouth. My lips close around Killian’s fingers, my teeth grazing just the tip of his thumb as he pulls away. He kisses my throat as I chew, and I allow myself to get lost in the moment of it all.

“This cup that is poured out for you.” Killian grabs the chalice of wine I had poured. He holds it against my lips, the metal cold in contrast toKillian’s warmth from just moments ago. “This is the new covenant in my blood.” I tip my head back, letting the liquid slip down my throat as he pours. He wastes no time replacing the rim of the cup with his lips, tasting the dry wine on my tongue, moaning in abandon.

Killian’s arms circle my waist, palms coming down to grasp my ass cheeks. I moan into his mouth, the sensation of the touch going straight into my cock. I didn’t think I could get hard so soon after coming, but my cock desperately twitches.

Too many clothes. Too much damn fabric is between us. Killian lifts me, and I circle my legs around his waist. I groan when our cocks rub together, only the layers of our pants separating us.

Without looking, Killian swipes his hand across the altar, the plates of bread and cups of wine crash to the floor with a loud clatter. I don't even protest. Don’t care to. I am too busy savoring Killian’s kisses, committing the taste of his mouth to memory because I never allowed myself this luxury before.

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