Page 26 of Unholy

“Are you kidding me?” Killian asks, rolling his eyes and taking a single step toward me.

“It’s because of you, isn’t it!?” I yell, holding my hand out toward Killian so he can’t get any closer. “I repented. I begged for God’s forgiveness. He’s been giving me small signs that He’s there, but no grand gestures. I begged Him to visit me in mydreams, but he couldn’t, and now I know why. It’s becauseyouwere stopping Him!”

“Are you saying I’m a God?” Killian’s head tilts to the side as he looks at me with sharp eyes.The new softness that was there is quickly replaced by harsh, sharp edges.There’s the demon I know.

“No! Never!” I vehemently shake my head. “There is only one God!”

“Then how exactly did I stop Him from visiting you in your dreams?” Killian asks, head tilting toward the other side, studying me.

“I- You-” I try to think of how to answer, but the words won’t form. My head hurts. I’m too tired to form a proper argument.

“You don’t have an answer because, if Iwerestopping Him, then that would mean He isn’t all powerful or I was a God. And if I weren’t stopping him, then you will have to admit that he chose not to visit you.”

“No…” The word is barely above a whisper, my eyes stinging with unshed tears.

“So, which is it, Father? Am I a God or did your God just abandon you?” Killian asks. The tenderness that was in his tone before has vanished, leaving something sharp and menacing.

“He did not abandon me! He’s just… just… punishing me!” I yell, needing something to hold onto before my world crumbles around me.

“Still?” The word is so sharp, I feel like it stabbed me in the heart. Killian takes another step closer. “Isn’t He supposed to be the forgiving type? You’ve asked for forgiveness. You were true when you asked that. You stopped sinning, started walking the holy path once more. So why is he still punishing you?”

“Because I deserve it!” I scream, stepping closer to Killian as I forcefully poke my chest.

“Doesn’t everyone deserve forgiveness according to your holy text?” Killian asks, gesturing toward the Bible sitting on the altar.

“Yes…”

“Then why, Father, is He still punishing you?” Killian asks, head tilting to the side again, feline like.

“Because…. Because I…” I say, but no explanation comes out.

“Here, let me help you out.” Killian leans down so that he’s looking directly in my eyes. “He’s a petty child who's all pissy and butthurt that ademon coerced one of his followers over to the dark side for a single day.”

“A single day?” I ask because that doesn’t sound right. It had to be more than a day. It feels like it’s been a lifetime.

“Yup. One whole day. That’s all it was. A single day of sin.” Killian holds up a finger. I think back on it, trying to remember. I went to Killian’s house that night around 8pm. I stayed the night, came home. He followed me. He was gone by 10am. It wasn’t even a whole day.

“Sin is sin,” I try, but my head spins with the realization.

“People sin every day, and they’re forgiven easily by Him… and yet you stand before me… still being punished. Why?”

“I don’t know His reasons!” I shout for lack of anything better to say.

“I’m telling you his reasons. He’s petty. He’s petulant.” Killian spits the words. “God is not the father, he’s the fucking child.”

“Don’t say that about Him!” I scream, and Killian turns away, taking a few steps, letting out a frustrated breath. He turns back around, taking slow steps toward me again.

“He could have easily come to see you in your dream. He could have sent his angels. He could have told you that you haven’t earned forgiveness yet, but to keep trying.Anything.Anything at all to give you a little bit of hope, but he chose not to.” Killian grips my shoulders. “He. Chose. Not. To.” He shakes me a little with every word.

“But… he didn’t…” I’m running out of steam. I can’t think of anything to say. Can’t think of a single argument. It reminds me of the guy that was just in the confessional. A deadbeat dad that’s blaming his child for his problems. Blaming his child for cheating on his wife. I can’t help but see the parallels.

“Oh my god, would you stop that? He did!” Killian yells, voice echoing off the stone walls. He lets go of my arms to walk away. “Why are you so fucking loyal to him? Why are you loyal to a God that would punish you for one single day of sin?” Killian asks, turning back around. I open my mouth to respond but can’t find words. Can’t find a fair and just explanation.

“A God that would punish you for months, give you the fucking silent treatment like a petty, passive-aggressive child for months, all because ofless than 24 hours of sin! A sin that he didn’t even fully see! He doesn’t even know the details… and yet he’s still fucking punishing you.”

“He holds me to a higher standard because I’m a holy man of the cloth. A priest. I made a vow to him. Of celibacy. And I broke that vow.” I finally find the explanation, and I barely resist the urge to yell ‘check-mate’ as if playing chess.

“Oh please, Father. He gives less punishment to priests who molest children!” Killian throws his hands up in the air, standing in front of the altar.

---