Page 13 of Unholy

I rush into my bathroom the moment I cross the threshold of my home. The large, deep clawfoot tub sits in the middle of the room, the shower off to the side. The shower will not do. I need to soak in God's glory at this point. The tub is big enough for two people. Surely it can cleanse me.

I only turn on the hot water.

“Clean. Pure. Need to be cleansed,” I mumble, removing my clothes with shaking hands. I look down at my arms, finding red bruising on my bicep. The same exact size as the demon's fingertips.Clean. The water will cleanse me. Will wash away the bruises. God can do anything.

I kneel next to the tub, now full of steaming hot water. This will work. It has to. I clasp my hands together. “In the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit,” I start, my right hand flying over my body in the shape of a cross.

“May God, who through water and the Holy Spirit has given us a new birth in Christ, be with you all and with your spirit.” I stand, lighting the first prayer candle near the tub. “The blessing of this water reminds us of Christ, the living water, and of the sacrament of baptism, in which we were born of water and the Holy Spirit.” I light another candle.

“Whenever, therefore, we are sprinkled with this holy water or use it in blessing ourselves on entering the church or at home, we thank God for his priceless gift to us and we ask for his help to keep us faithful to the sacrament we have received in faith.” I finish lighting all the candles, then kneel to pray over the water in silence, finishing my blessing.

Once the final words of my silent prayer are uttered, I look up, tears in my eyes. I still haven't feltGod’s presence. It has to be in my head, though. Maybe whatever spell the demon did to make me feel like it disappeared will wear off. It has to.

I stand, dipping my toe into the water. I hiss, almost recoiling at its heat. I try to ignore it, plunging my whole foot inside. It burns, but it has to in order to burn away my sin. This is how I will be clean. I will rid myself of the demon’s marks left upon my skin. I will wash away the demon’s come that still remains inside me. I will be clean.

Once I finally submerge my whole body in the water, I dunk my head in, coming out and taking in a huge gulp of air. My skin is red, on fire from the scalding water.

Clean. I need to be clean.

I make the sign of the cross again, my hand moving slowly under the water until I touch my forehead, leaving droplets of hot water to race down my face. “Bless me father, for I have sinned,” I say out loud, my wavering voice echoing throughout the tiled bathroom. I want to whisper the words, but I force myself to push them out, needing to tell God about my sin. Needing His forgiveness.

“It has been a day since my last confession,” I continue, looking up toward the heavens, waiting for some kind of sign. There is none. “I have committed a mortal sin, but I know all sins are forgivable in your eyes, God. Please forgive me, for I have allowed a creature to touch me.”

I take a deep, shaky breath, eyes stinging as I blink. “Not only is this creature a male, but he is not a holy man. No. He is a servant of Lucifer. Being gay is a great sin. I am now an abomination in your eyes. I have pledged celibacy to you, and I have betrayed that pledge while also committing an abhorrent sin.”

A tear rolls down my cheek, dropping off my chin to mingle with the water. My voice cracks with emotion. I pause and take a deep breath then another. “I know it’s not an excuse, Christ, but I believe this creature has put a spell on me. I need your guidance. I need your love. I need you to cleanse my body and soul. I need your forgiveness.”

I look around the room, trying to find some kind of sign. I don't hear God's voice. Don’t feel His presence, not even in my heart. This has to be punishment. God saw what I had done and isangry with me. That’s the only explanation for His absence. I choke on a sob. No. I need to get Him back. I need to prove my allegiance to Him. Show Him it was just a mistake.

“Please, God, listen to my prayer. Understand that I am a human, not without flaws. I was tricked into this filthy act, but never again. I will never again let the Devil win. Please. Show me that you’re here. I promise. Never again, God,” I sob, more tears trailing down my face, over my stubble and into the water.

“Ah, Father,” a deep voice says, and I jump, looking around the room.

“God?” I ask, but I know deep down it’s not God. I’m just so startled, I can’t think. Can’t identify the voice.

“Better.”

Footsteps.

I whip my head toward the doorway, watching as the demon waltzes in as if he owns the place. Not real. This can’t be real. It has to be God, testing me. Like a trial of sorts, seeing if I will make the same mistake twice.

“How long have you been here?” I ask, knowing that there is no way my imagination has madethis up. Did I fall asleep in the tub? Shouldn’t I have drowned then? If that was the case, then I must have gone to Hell. This is my version of Hell. A tall, sexy, half-demon in skin tight white pants and a white button up shirt that sits perfectly on top of his muscles. The muscles I had touched not even 12 hours ago. My mouth goes dry.

No.

“Long enough to hear you pray. Don’t you know, Father?” the demon asks, and I tilt my head, confused. The demon smirks at him. “You can’t pray the gay away.”

I open my mouth to respond, but the demon cuts me off. “Oh wait. I guess you’ve always heard it the other way around.” The demon’s smirk morphs into a full-blown smile, revealing perfectly white, almost pointed teeth.

“Begone, demon.” My voice is loud and firm, somehow finding resolution within my doubt.

“Father, that wounds me.” Killian’s big hand presses against his chest, grimacing. His expression changes. “A couple of hours ago, you were moaning my given name. “Please, Killian.God. Please. Make me come. Please. Need to come,””he mimics.

My cock twitches at the words, thememories.No. I still myself, forcing my mind back into the present. Here and now. In this new test that God has given me. One that I will not fail.

“That was… that was …” my mouth opens and closes exactly three times, unable to come up with exactly what that was. A moment of insanity? Of weakness? Of unholy sin?

“You called me God. Now we're back to “Demon”. One step forward, two steps back, I suppose. Thankfully, I do love a good dance.” Killian moves his hips playfully at me, displaying his growing erection.

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