Page 46 of Judas

His eyes light up with recognition of who stood before him. He spoke in a hushed tone dripping in awe, “Ahavah.”

Without hesitation, they reached for each other and embraced. Having her in his arms again was the single greatest moment thus far in his wretched, cursed life. He breathed her in and begged her not to disappear from his grasp. He was certain she was a dream.

Is this it? Did Yesh finally take him? Is this heaven?

He held her face in his hands and looked down on her angelic features with tears brimming his bloodshot eyes, “Are you real?”

Eliza laughed at his awestruck gaze, “Yes, I’m real. And I’m sorry, Judas. I’m so, very sorry. I never should have said those terrible things to you. I was hurting, but that’s no excuse. You deserve so much better than that and I’ll do anything I can for the rest of my life to make it up to you. Can you ever forgive me?”

No words would convey how deeply he craved her forgiveness for the tortured soul he was. How badly he needed her to see pastall his faults and love him anyway. He pressed his mouth into hers and relished in the sweet taste of her lips on his. He had missed her taste, the soft glide of her lips against his own, and the feeling of her body against his.

Eliza, while equally drawn into their embrace, registered a less sweet flavor to her lover’s kiss. She leaned away from his lips, gazing into his red eyes. She glanced around the room before her and saw it for the first time since arriving. It stood in absolute ruin with shattered glass and empty bottles of liquor all around them.

Meeting his eyes again, Eliza asked, “Are you drunk?”

Falling to his knees before her, Judas clung to her and howled in slurred speech, “Oh, Ahavah. Please forgive me. Please, love. I’m not worthy of you. I beg you, let me love you though I don’t deserve you.”

She stared down at this seemingly broken man before her, “You don’t owe me apologies for anything. You've been nothing but wonderful to me since the moment we met.”

Judas let out an anguished cry, “No, my Eliza, Ahavah. My love. No. I’m a terrible, horrid man who doesn’t deserve the brightness of your love. Please, my Eliza, please say you can love me!”

Part of Eliza wanted to laugh at his hiccupping pleas because they were so completely absurd, but she knew he wasn’t in the right mindset for that. Instead, she knelt down to his level, both of them still in the doorway, and took his face in her hands.

“You have spent more years than I can even fathom trying to prove yourself when you never did anything wrong to begin with. You aren’t just a good person. You are the most kind, caring, genuine person I have ever encountered in my life. You are worthy of all the love in the world.” She smiled at his droopy, bloodshot eyes somehow still full of his greatness shining through all the alcohol, “I can’t offer you the love of the entireworld, but I can offer you mine. It’s yours, Judas. You can stop fighting now. I’ll stand beside you always.”

Judas stared back at her, hearing her words and knowing their gravity even with the entirety of his liquor cabinet coursing through his veins. He sniffled as a sob bubbled up his throat and in his drunken stupor responded, “You are everything I have waited all this time for.”

These words would normally have sent Eliza swooning if, immediately after speaking them, Judas hadn’t collapsed all of his weight into her arms. His head cradled in the crook of her neck, Judas sobbed drunken tears of relief and gratitude as she struggled to support his barely functioning body.

Patting him on the back, she attempted to help him stand, “It’s okay, love. Let it all out. I know you’ve been strong for so long, but if we could just get you up and on the couch I think that would be great.” Eliza groaned as she helped him heave his body up into a standing position. She let him brace himself on her shoulders as she helped guide his stumbling feet to the couch.

Finally, they made it to their destination and plopped down together. Eliza out of breath from the effort and Judas smiling at her with tear stained cheeks. He reachedone finger out and poked Eliza right on the nose.

“You,” he slurred, “are just so pretty.”

She couldn’thelp but laugh, “Okay, Casanova… how about we get some coffee in you?”

“Just so pretty, pretty, pretty,” he drunkenly sang as the top half of his body slumped toward her.

Kissing his forehead, Eliza leaned him back toward the pillows on the couch to rest while she walked into the kitchen to prepare some very strong coffee. She pulled down the French press. Placing it on the counter, she grabbed the electric coffee grinder and her favorite of his selection of coffee beans. While she set towork preparing his roast, she took further inventory of the state of his home.

Judas was so orderly and neat. Seeing his shattered belongings, sink full of empty bottles, and dirty laundry strewn across the already littered floor was jarring. He truly lost all sense of himself when he thought he had lost her. Her heart ached for him when she considered what she’d put him through over these last days.

But then…

It also filled her with warmth through her entire being.

She was loved. Truly and deeply.

Eliza spent her entire life being ruled by the one person in the world who should’ve loved her beyond measure, yet her father was too selfish to have ever spent a single second truly loving her. A part of her had always known this. However, this was why she worked so hard to continue supporting him when she knew he was wrong, even disturbed. She’d made excuses for him and justified his atrocious behavior. Even now, as he lay unconscious in a hospital bed, she’d held his hand even though she knew that he likely wouldn't do the same for her. All because, deep inside, she was still his little girl begging him to love her. Needing his love to prove her worth.

Judas showed her, however, she wasn’t that little girl anymore. She was a woman who had value in her own self.

Paul spent her entire life trying to mold her into something that he might find suitable. He wanted to make her into something she never had any desire to be. He judged her every decision and made her feel unworthy. Always lacking and unsure.

With Judas, she was free of the constraints she had been tethered by her whole life. She could be unapologetically herself and that was enough. Even when she was wrong or careless orplain hurtful, he could see her for who she really was and he loved her. Warts and all.

Judas loved her mind and her thoughts. He loved her imperfections and her quirks. This man loved her more than he loved himself. She didn’t need validation from anyone else, anymore, because Judas had shown her she was capable of being whole on her own and he loved her for it.

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