Page 38 of What Doesn't Kill Us

Her voice cut through in a whisper. “Is it true?”

“Which part?”

“The part about Toni being the enemy.”

I nod, then realize she can’t fucking see me, so I clear my throat and choke out, “Yes.”

“You knew?” Surprise laces her voice.

“Yes. I knew.”

“You’ve been protecting her all this time?”

Again, I nod and roll my eyes at myself as, once again, I force myself to speak. “It’s not like that. Sure, Toni initially went into that job with the focus of reeling me in, and for quite some time, she did just that. But then, something happened where she had to choose a side once and for all, and she chose us. I think that’s why they took her. She was labeled as a disloyal whore, and they were going to sell her off to the sex trade. You get a lot of money for the daughter of a boss, and even more so if that daughter is also tied to me and Lilith. Seems not very many people like either of us.”

“So, she knew about our so-called brother, this Vincent?”

“No, I don’t think she did. She may have known Vincent, but I don’t think she ever knew he was blood-related. I don’t think she knew who was pulling the strings or calling the shots. We had little time to get into details because shortly after we came to terms with her background and the shift in our relationship, things changed. They stole her from me.”

“So, technically, you’ve known this Toni longer than the previous Toni?”

“Yes. Sometimes, I worry this Toni will be the only Toni.”

“That’s a distinct possibility. But that leads us to the other burning question: how the fuck can Lilith be my mother?”

I loudly blow out my breath. “Yeah, my mind is seriously fucking blown over that revelation. Not that I’ve ever asked Lilith how old she is, but I never got the impression that she’s old enough to be your mother.”

“She would’ve been young. I can’t even imagine what happened, but I know that our dad, or grandfather, I guess, was a ruthless motherfucker. So, god only knows the story behind that.”

I grimace, my jaw clenching at the mere idea of what likely went on with Lilith when she was young. “It seems there are a lot of stories we’ll need to get out in the open if we ever get out of here. Maybe if we cross-reference what we each know, we’ll find something relevant.”

Agatha shakes her leg in my grasp. “Maybe you should start now. Tell me about you and Toni and what happened between you. You protected her, knowing she was working for the enemy. You continued to protect her for all that time, even though she had no idea who you were or what you had. So many paths, yet that’s what you did. Why?”

I sigh. “Our history is complicated, and having to put it all out of my mind for long was excruciating. Her doctors told me since her brain wiped clean all the traumatic events in her life, it was in her best interest to allow these events and the people linked to them to remain hidden until the time came when they showed themselves. And since I was obviously removed from her memory as well, then the best thing I could do for her was protect her from afar.”

“You must really care for her.”

“Yeah, well. She was mine then, and she’s mine now, just as she has been mine for every moment of the time that she has not remembered us. The void in her memory doesn’t erase that fact.”

Agatha scoffs, shaking her leg in my hands again. “That’s it? The whole ‘she’s mine’ line? You’ve been protecting this woman for ages, and that’s all you’ve got for me? ‘She’s mine’.”

I pause for a moment, attempting to put into words the chronic ache in my chest I feel when she isn’t near me. “It’s like Elizabeth Barrett Browning said, ‘I love thee to the depth and breadth and height my soul can reach when feeling out of sight, for the ends of being and ideal grace’. She is the depth, breadth, and height of my soul; my soul will call to hers every moment of every day until my dying breath. It’s like she stole an immense piece of my being, and everything else around me is darkness. Every moment I lived before her is irrelevant because the man I was then no longer exists, and I’d sooner lay down and die at her feet than even contemplate going back to my previous hollow existence.”

Agatha is silent for a moment, but then, as I’m contemplating cracking a bad fucking joke, she says, “Well, fuck. Darius. How did you keep all of that in for so long?”

“Discipline and control?” I respond tentatively, slightly hopeful she won’t force me to go into detail, while knowing full well the chance of this happening is zero.

“Nice try, dickhead.”

I take a deep breath, holding off for a moment as I gather my thoughts on how to respond. It’s embarrassing, really, admitting my complete lack of control during that time. Finally, I say, “I tried to remove all of it from my mind and move forward as if it had never happened, but it was easier said than done. I failed at every turn, had one huge blowup after another until finally Matt stepped in and begged me to ease the rage inside me.”

“Oh shit,” she responds quietly. “What the fuck did he expect you to do?”

“Hypnosis,” I say with a laugh, my hand squeezing her calf as she giggles. “At first, I was dead set against it, but after a freak out or three, I finally relented. It took a couple of tries, but eventually they numbed me enough where I could go about daily life without losing my shit at every turn.”

“You really are fucking crazy,” Agatha states with a chuckle.

I nod to myself, huffing out a breath in agreement. “Yeah, but mostly out of necessity. Matt didn’t realize the effects were wearing off until Toni showed up at his precinct demanding to be taken to me, and he was so mad at me, but I wasn’t even fully aware of what was happening, and I had no idea why he was so mad at me. It was complete lunacy.” I pause, thinking back to that time and chuckling again as I continue, “Looking back now, I’m certain I started unraveling because I noticed a shift in her…in the little nuances and side comments. The look on her face when I would catch her watching me. Something inside me took it as a sign that there was something there, and I unconsciously attempted to force her into remembering.”

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