Page 90 of The Devil's Chaos

But nothing in my life ever goes as planned.

No, staying put was the right choice, but an inexplicable sense of unease nagged at me. Urged me to keep moving, one foot in front of the other.

Even when my legs felt like they would give out at any moment, I forced myself to keep going until I finally collapsed against a wall near the exit, dizzy and drained.

I kept going, not for myself but for him.

Had I finally found something to live for in my miserable existence?

Slipping into the coat room, I grabbed a thick coat from the rack that the valet had checked in and pulled it on. This was the moment of truth. If I couldn’t slip past the bouncers at the front, I was dead anyway. I pulled the coat shut and tied it tightly, then shoved my hands in the pockets to hide the blood that covered them. Taking a deep breath, I stood straight up and winced, “Fuck.”

I took several deep breaths, trying to calm myself long enough to slip out unnoticed. A group of drunk girls were laughing loudly and stumbling toward the exit, followed by a group of guys. I stealthily moved toward them, slipping into their group and pretending to laugh with them, none of them sober enough to realize I wasn’t a part of their group. I made eye contact with one of the bouncers, a newer guy, and our eyes locked for a moment. My heart pounded in my chest, terrified that he would recognize me and stop me. If he stopped me, he would ask questions—questions I didn’t have time to answer, and he would see me bleeding through this coat. He might even bring me to the hospital, but I couldn’t afford to waste any time.

He nodded, seemingly appeased, and I stepped outside. The cold air hit me like a slap in the face. I pressed the unlock button on my keychain and fell into the driver’s seat. My hands trembled as I pushed the ignition button, the dashboard lighting up, illuminating the darkness with blue light. Mywhole body shook as I pressed the hospital button on my GPS screen and hit Go.

The drive was a blur, flashes of lights and horns honking as I navigated through the bustling streets of New York. Pain shot through my side, but I refused to give in. My body was slipping away, but my mind kept fighting. I was so tired. If I could just rest for just a minute…

No. Stay awake. Just a little bit longer.

Exhaustion weighed heavy on me as blood poured from my wound, soaking through the fabric of my coat and staining my skin. I knew I was dying, but I couldn’t afford to think about that. I was so close to finally being free from my brother. My father. My bloodline. I wouldn’t let a bullet stop me from living. But goddamn, I was just so tired. My eyes drooped closed for a brief moment before jolting open again at the sound of blaring horns and screeching tires. I swerved to avoid an ambulance head-on, only to crash into a power pole with a sickening crunch.

The airbags deployed, and for a moment, I thought I was dead. The world seemed to fade around me, and I could feel my life slipping away. Pushing open the door, I stumbled out onto the cold pavement, leaving a trail of blood and glass behind me as I aimed myself toward the bright lights of the emergency room entrance. The paramedic from the ambulance I had narrowly avoided rushed over to me.

“Miss? Are you okay?” he asked, his voice filled with concern as his eyes traveled down to the blood staining the coat I stole.

I shook my head, too weak to speak. My breaths were shallow and ragged, the pain in my side was unbearable, and my fingers and toes were numb. The paramedic's lips moved, but I couldn’t hear what he was saying. The blackness started to seep in around the edges of my vision. Just as the last shredof consciousness slipped through my fingers, Kai was the last face I saw before I tumbled into oblivion.

“Where did you go, little lamb?”Kai’s voice pulled me out of my thoughts.

I blinked away tears that had formed in my eyes. “I thought I’d feel guilty for killing her, but I don’t. And I don’t know if that scares me or excites me.”

“It was you or her. You did what you had to do to survive. Don’t ever apologize for that.”

“My brother will hunt me down if he finds out I helped Mila escape.”

“No, he won’t.”

“You don’t know my brother like I do, Kai.”

His face darkened, and the muscles in his jaw clenched before he spoke again. “I won’t let him hurt you again.”

“Don’t make promises you can’t keep.”

“This is one I will keep.”

I took a deep breath, the weight of his promise settling over me, and that’s when I knew I was fucked.

39

THIRTY-NINE

HAVEN

“You’re safe now, little lamb. It’s going to be okay.”

The voice sounded familiar as it whispered next to my ear, repeating words of comfort and pulling me back from the memories of that day when everything changed for me. How long had it been since I allowed myself to remember? Years? Almost two decades, at least. Through disassociation, I had mastered the art of locking away the bad things that happened to me, and the death of my mother was no exception. I had packed those horrific memories into a box, one with a padlock, and shoved them into the deepest recesses of my mind. Much like I did with all the ugly things that happened to me since then, if I hid them away, then I could function, albeit not function in the way ordinary people functioned, but in the only way I knew how as a Benson woman—through pure survival mode. If I allowed the pain to seep through the broken fragments of my mind, it would drown me.

But as the voice continued to murmur soothing words, a crack appeared in the carefully constructed walls I had built around my memories. I felt a shiver run down my spine as the memories clawed back to the surface, unbidden and unwanted.My heart pounded as I struggled to push back against the overwhelming tide threatening to consume me. The images flickered behind my eyes like a broken film reel, each frame more vivid and painful than the last.

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