Page 26 of Whispered Desire

It’s not a crime or something to be ashamed of, but I hate having to admit it aloud.

“Everything hit me at once in an overwhelming wave. And I’m sick of dealing with it. Do you know how exhausting it is to manage your mental health? To try to do the right things to get better and still suffer setbacks?” The words are a stuttering, wobbly mess as my crying starts up again. “Sometimes the imagined relief of… not existing… helps dampen the pain.”

Silence meets the end of my explanation. Mathias’s heavy breathing is slow and steady, and I consciously try to match the rhythm.

“How often does this happen?” he quietly asks.

“Anxiety attacks? They used to be more frequent before I started therapy and medication. Now, it’s every once in a while. The thoughts of being gone?” Another euphemism for suicide since saying the word out loud makes it too real. “More often.”

“Fuck, Angel… When I accused you of lacking a preservation instinct, I didn’t realize you had a literal death wish.”

“I don’t,” I deny. “Thoughts help; actions aren't necessary. I don’t actually want to hurt myself. I hate pain and avoid it at all costs, which is why I avoided confrontations with Bailey.” And with my parents and brother. People that I’ve discussed with my therapist about going ‘no contact’ with but have never had the guts to follow through on.

Because of the fallout.

The guilt trips that would await me.

The hurt feelings on both sides.

Any improvement to my mental health from ‘no contact’ would be demolished by the repercussions.

Mathias sighs and buries his lips in my hair, his beard tangling with the curls and causing intermittent pulling sensations. “This conversation isn’t over, but it’s late, and you need sleep. Are you feeling any better?”

“Slightly. I took something about twenty minutes ago, but it’s not always foolproof.”

“What can I do? Aside from flying you back to North Carolina, that is. Because there’s no way in hell I’m letting you go now that I know how badly you need me.”

A sliver of amusement works its way through me. “You think very highly of yourself. I realize I don’t have the best track record with you, but I’ve been taking care of myself for almost thirty years just fine.”

“Our definitions of ‘just fine’ are vastly different.” His leg covers mine as his arms squeeze tighter, forming a solid nest of heat and muscle. “I read once that deep pressure can regulate the nervous system. Let’s see if it’s true, hmm?”

Nodding in agreement, because that’s why I own a weighted blanket currently crumpled at the end of my bed back home, my attention returns to slowing my breaths, mirroring Mathias’srelaxed inhales and exhales until darkness finally wins the battle for my mind.

CHAPTER FOURTEEN

MATHIAS

It takes a long time for me to fall asleep.

Nothing could have prepared me for the scene I walked into: Allison standing frozen in the bathroom, her eyes unfocused, and my straight razor poised to cut across her vulnerable wrist.

If I hadn’t already been awake questioning the wisdom of placing her in a separate room rather than demanding she stay in mine, I may never have noticed when the bathroom light appeared beneath the closed door. Allison would have been alone with her thoughts, and who knows what would have happened?

My grip tightens, and I take comfort in the evidence of her life. Warm skin, steady heartbeat. Her chills stopped around the time I finally felt the tension leave her body an hour ago.

For the first time in my life, a sense of helplessness creeps into my psyche, because as much as I’d like to, I can’t control this.

I wanted to stop her pain. The shivering. The tears. The mental battle in her head. But all I could do was hold her while she suffered. Until exhaustion won out.

It’s unacceptable, considering my promise to care for her needs.

In the morning, I plan on hearing the full extent of her troubles, since my gut is telling me they extend beyond a bad roommate. I’m going to learn what medications she’s on, who her therapist is, and how often she sees them.

Then I’m going to make a plan.

***

When the sun rises, it brings with it the heady realization that Allie’s plump ass is cradling my morning wood, and this may be the best way I’ve ever woken up.

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