Page 110 of Beyond the Cottage

“Yeah. Once I’m inside, my head’s in the game but…I don’t know. Stuff gets stirred up beforehand.”

“Memories come back.”

“Exactly. It’s like the walk there gives me time to think about her.” She hesitated. “Does that ever happen to you?”

He laughed. “All the goddamn time. Only, for me, there’s no distinct pattern. It’s worse at night, but the most trivial things will set me off. Once, a boy brought his pet raven to school, and I didn’t return for a week.”

That didn’t seem trivial to her. The Eater’s wood had been empty of animals except a murder of aggressive, beady-eyed crows.

“Since you don’t drink,” she said, “how do you deal with it?”

“Working, when possible. Breathing. Counting still helps. But mostly I just learned to live with it.”

“Same here.” To a tee.

They continued walking at an unhurried pace. The smell of woodsmoke from a chimney tinged the air. They were getting close.

“How do you feel when you’re face to face with a witch?” he asked.

“For damn sure I don’t usually hyperventilate.”

He smiled. “Isobel excluded, then.”

Gretta picked up a twig and started snapping it into pieces. “I’m focused. Aware. But breathing gets harder and my heart pounds. My legs want to run.”

“Hyper-arousal is a natural symptom of relived trauma. It stimulates our fight or flight response.”

She smiled because of course he’d filter it through science. “The thing is, Ihatewanting to run. It feels weak. My mind knows I’m not helpless anymore, but my body doesn’t get the message.”

“Do you actually run?”

“Well…no.”

“Does it paralyze you? Keep you from following through?”

“I guess not.”

“So how is that weakness?”

She shrugged. But she took his point.

“What we do with fear is more important than our reasons for feeling it.” He glanced at her sideways, bodily nudging her. “Like I said at Isobel’s, you’re brave as fuck.”

The overwrought moths returned and not from nerves. Her arm wanted to wrap around his waist, but after last night, that would definitely toe the friendship line. She settled for nudging him back.

“There’s another thing,” she said. “This hunt is different.”

“Because I’m here?”

“Well, yeah, but also because I usually surprise them, and they’re dead before they can get a spell out. This time, we’re doing research.”

He darted a hand out to stop her. “I don’t want you fucking around in there. Do whatever it is you normally do, and get out. We’ll find some other way to test the repellent.”

She couldn’t help another smile. “I’ve got this, Anse. And the repellent is going to work.”

“Then let me go in first. It’s my product, I should bear the risk.”

“I promise I’ll be fine. I know what I’m doing.”

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