Page 46 of Off Limits

I just needed to keep my head in order for the next few hours so I didn’t end up hurting myself or someone else because I was too distracted to pay attention to my job.

I got the notification that the money from our cam show was deposited into my account about five minutes after I got home, which didn’t help with my distraction.

I’d managed to not think about Dex or the cam show for the rest of my shift, but now that I was home and had nothing but time, I couldn’t stop thinking about them.

We made over a thousand dollars each, and we’d been on cam for less than ninety minutes. I still couldn’t believe people had paid us that much just to watch us fuck on cam, but the massive dent the cash would make in paying down my credit card didn’t lie.

Things hadn’t been weird around the apartment, and that was weirding me out. Dex was acting like nothing happened, but he was also being different. Like the whole cooking for me thing and how our texts were more like conversations and not just asking questions and giving each other one-word answers.

The whole cam show was messing me up, but not because I’d gotten naked on the internet or let a bunch of strangers watch me get fucked for cash. Nope, that didn’t bother me at all.

It was how the show had gone down that was fucking with my head. I’d expected it to be weird and awkward, and a part of me was convinced it would be a chore for him. That he’d go through the motions to get it done so we could get paid.

I hadn’t expected him to be so…nice.

I knew Dex wasn’t an asshole, and he’d never purposely hurt me or treat me like a thing to use, but his care and consideration when he prepped and entered me hadn’t helped my confusion.

Neither had how into it he’d gotten. He enjoyed touching me and liked when I touched him. And he wanted to blow me.

I assumed I’d be putting my mouth on him because he was the top and his viewers would want to see that, but he asked to do me first without any prompting or tips. And he enjoyed it.

All that was confusing enough, but what had really thrown me off was kissing him. I hadn’t expected it to affect me so much, and it was weird that my first kiss wasn’t just with my stepbrother, but that it had happened on cam because someone paid us to do it. That should have cheapened the moment and made it just another part of the show, but it had rocked me to my very core. And I still wasn’t over the second kiss when he grabbed me after I blew him.

Was that just how Dex was when he had sex, and it had nothing to do with me? Or was I so inexperienced I couldn’t tell the difference between genuine heat and him playing things up for the camera?

But that didn’t explain whyI’dgotten so into it. Why I’d been so eager to touch and tease him. Or why I’d almost forgotten we were on cam at all, and why I couldn’t stop thinking about doing it again.

I already knew Dex and I were compatible thanks to that night four years ago, but that had been a completely different experience. And it had nothing to do with the camera and everything to do with the headspace we’d been in.

That night hadn’t been about tender touches and whispered words. It was about getting off and nothing more.

The smart thing would be to forget it ever happened and never speak of it again. But every fiber of my being wanted a repeat, and the really fucked up part was that it wasn’t because of the money.

I wanted to be with him again because it felt good. Because he made me feel special and seen and because he was the only person I’d everwantedto have sex with.

I’d spent years trying to figure out my sexuality and still wasn’t sure where I fell on the spectrum. I was exclusively attracted to men, so I identified as gay, but my attraction didn’t usually extend to wanting to sleep with them or even mess around with them.

I liked looking at men, and I enjoyed fantasizing about them, but that was it. I’d never wanted a boyfriend, wasn’t interested in going on dates, and never felt like anything was missing from my life for not wanting what everyone else did.

I figured I was aromantic, and possibly ace, but ace didn’t feel right either. I had a high sex drive and probably jerked off more than most guys, but I didn’t really have the urge to do stuff with other people. I didn’t hook up often, and not at all in the past two years, but that wasn’t necessarily because I wasn’t interested in sex.

I wasn’t the most open person, and after a lifetime of being bullied, I had trouble trusting people’s intentions and letting myself be vulnerable in front of anyone.

I also had trouble shutting my brain down when I was feeling any sort of anxiety or when I was uncomfortable, and the constant stream of racing thoughts bouncing around in my head made it impossible to focus enough to do more than hope my body remembered what to do when my head was off in the stratosphere.

That was why I slept with Dex four years ago. I wanted to see if I could, if I’d enjoy it because I knew him. I didn’t like him, but I trusted him. Even with all the fumbling that I now knew came from two gay sex virgins getting it on for the first time, I’d been able to fully let go and be in the moment.

That had never happened with anyone else I tried to hook up with, which was why Dex was still the only guy I’d slept with. Now that I knew the first time hadn’t been a fluke and it really was that good with him, it was like my desire to have sex had woken up after a four-year hibernation, and I couldn’t stop thinking about it—or wanting to do it again.

And the worst part was I had no idea where Dex’s head was at or what he was thinking. He hadn’t mentioned doing another show, and he hadn’t been all that eager when people asked if we were going to cam together again.

Blowing out a breath, I leaned my head back against the wall and tried to shut my brain down for a while. I was thinking in circles, and ruminating about the past and about things I couldn’t have was just going to stress me out even more.

I needed to do something to distract myself, but my thoughts were so scattered I couldn’t concentrate on anything. I’d already spent most of my lunch break looking for apartments and highly doubted there was an influx of affordable listings in the past fewhours. Trying again would just be pointless and frustrating, and I really didn’t need that right now.

I tried writing, which was my usual way of processing things and shutting my brain down so I could escape my thoughts and life, but I gave up after writing and deleting the same paragraph eleven times. I also tried editing, hoping that would be easier since I didn’t have to actually create anything and could just focus on the structure of the words, but I also abandoned that after going back and forth on whether to keep a single comma for almost fifteen minutes before just leaving it in.

Reading wasn’t working because my mind kept wandering, and I gave up on watching something when I got bored while browsing the titles in Dex’s streaming services and had to start over, only to get bored and lose interest again. I wasn’t a gamer and had no idea how to use his system, so that ruled that out, and I had no one I could talk to or text to try and pass the time.

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