Page 86 of Choke

I pull on denim shorts and a tank top, avoiding my reflection until the last moment. My hair is still in the braid he made, now loose and falling apart, with strands framing my face like ghosts of his hands. I take out the hair tie and run my fingers through the tangles, letting it cascade in waves down my back. My eyes burn; I feel like I could cry at any minute, and I bite the inside of my lip to distract myself from that.I can’t cry. The anger rages inside me, and I’m thankful I don’t have his phone number because I want to call and give him a piece of my mind; how dare he demand I change my trip when he doesn’t even have the decency to say goodbye?

He fills my thoughts throughout the day, even during the baseball game—I can’t bring myself to embarrass Klaus. He lingers through dinner, distracting me from being present with my friend. That night, as I crawl into bed, all I can sense is his musky, smoky scent, and I feel like screaming.

My thoughts are so dark and twisted that I struggle to sleep at all, tossing and turning. When I do manage to nod off, my dreams pull me back to last night—the way he looked at me, the way his fingers dug into my hips. I’m awake and livid when the sun slices through the blinds. A glance at the alarm clock tells me it’s 5:20 a.m. I’m expected to be home in just over 14 hours.

That shouldn’t make me anxious, but it does.

A few hours later, when Juliana steps out of her room, she’s surprised to see me sitting at the kitchen island, finishing my third cup of coffee. She approaches slowly, taking a moment to look me over.

“What’s wrong?”

She sounds genuinely concerned; I must look rough.

“I didn’t sleep well,” I respond, standing and walking to the espresso machine for my fourth cup. At this rate, I’ll never sleep again.

“Lex, you walked around like someone killed your cat all day yesterday. What is going on with you? Is it that guy? Andrew?”

“Adrian…”

I don’t have it in me to lie to her, and I can’t bring myself to tell her the truth about the note, the night before, and the chaos I’ve felt for the last 24 hours.

“Adrian, Andrew, whatever. What is wrong?”

I’m moving on autopilot.

Mug under the spout.

Coffee beans in the grinder.

Press the button.

She grabs my arm and spins me to look at her, her beautiful face etched with concern.

“Lex, stop. Talk to me.”

My eyes sting again, and that feeling makes me even angrier — angry that he can push me to this point. Juliana has known me for years; she sees right through the facade I’ve been trying to present.

“Babe, I won’t be mad if you want to go home. You don’t have to talk to me about it if you don’t want to. I think you should tell me, but I won’t be upset if you choose not to. I love you. I support you. I’ll drive you to the airport today if necessary.” She brushes her gentle hand across my cheek, trying to get me to look at her.

“I’m sorry, Jules. I slept like shit; I miss Millie-girl…”

“Please. I told you I wouldn’t be mad if you wanted to leave. However, I will be pissed if you stand here and lie to my face. Tell me what’s happening. Don’t tell me, but don’t lie to me.” Her expression is still soft, but her eyes tell me she’s serious.

I flew all the way here. We had planned this months ago, and now I’m going to leave. I’m going to leave for a guy who has done nothing but manipulate and push me. My stomach twists into tight knots, and I finally lift my eyes to hers to hold her gaze. I feel myself start to fall apart as my eyes fill with tears.

“You promise you won’t be mad?” My voice cracks, and the first tear spills over the edge, streaking down my cheek.

“Honey, no. Never. See if you can change your flight. We can sit in the sun for a few hours, and then I’ll drive you. It’s a school night, anyway. It’s gonna be chaos around here.”

I pull her into a hug. I can’t thank her enough for that last comment, allowing me to believe that my leaving is also convenient for her. She hugs me tightly for a minute before releasing me and encouraging me to call the airline. Within half an hour, my flight has been changed, and I’ll be back in Torhaven at 9:50 p.m. As I hang up the call with the airline, I feel a weight lift off my shoulders.

That relief stays until the wheels touch the runway. The moment they do, my stomach knots so tight it hurts. The city lights flicker through the window, blurring with the anxious churn in my gut.

I’m back.

And he’s here.

The city blurs past in streaks of color, traffic lights flickering through the tinted windows of my Uber. I’m lost in my thoughts and ignore the driver until he eventually stops trying to make conversation. I remain absorbed in my thoughts as I enter my condo building and ride the elevator. When I step inside my unit, Mildred races to me, expressing her disappointment at my absence. I stay lost in my thoughts as I lie on my bed, still in my clothes from the day, and drift off to sleep, dreaming of Adrian.

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