Page 80 of Break The Ice

I am like a fish out of water.

But not here, not with this pack. I fit with the quiet of Callan and Kit. I can shoulder the weight of this pack. Raider is the fire, and I respond to it like I’ve been dying for it. Ryann, though, has brought all of that to the front and made me want to chase it, want to commit to it. We need her. I don’t know if the others realise it or not.

I need her to stay with us.

But she has so many secrets. I’ve never met anyone with as much of an air of mystery as this beta.

Not that I don’t have a few of my own. I think we’re all keeping stuff back from each other. Raider with his family, me with mine. Kit with his bully, and Callan’s all-encompassing guilt.

I’m going to retire this year when Raider does. That’s one of the secrets I’ve been keeping. I love hockey, but I love being here more. Hockey was a means to an end, but it was never my goal. I just want a place that’s mine, with people who are mine. Witha frown, I realise I don’t want to be apart from them. Hell, I don’t even want to travel anymore. I’m sick of training and not eating what I want.

My body is feeling all the years of hockey. I swear my knees ache now in the cold. Yeah, we aren’t going to make it to those late years like we could, but I feel like exiting now while we’re on top and still healthy would be our best options.

Kids? I don’t know if I want kids. But I want something new.

Kit’s past haunts me, and I lay there thinking about what he went through. If I were teaching kids, maybe I could protect a kid like Kit from getting hurt. I could teach hockey.

Maybe. It’s an idea.

If I can wrangle five younger sisters, I can deal with a team of teenage boys.

Raider hasn’t said anything yet, but I saw the brochures in his room that he’s looking at. He wants to stay in the hockey area. Assisting the coaches or helping with commentating, and I could see him doing that.

He would be happy doing that.

But what about me?

“What are you thinking so hard about?”

Ryann lifts her head and tilts it so she can see my face.

“I’m thinking I’d like to teach kids how to play hockey.” I say the words and am surprised by how vulnerable they make me feel.

Ryann stills, and I hold my breath, wondering what she’s going to say.

“I think that’s amazing, Wren. You would be great at it.”

I don’t know why I feel such relief, but it has me melting under her.

Her soft body wriggles against me, and I feel myself getting hard.

“You don’t want to work with the adult team?”

I shake my head. “No, I’m done with it.”

She turns her head and kisses my chest.

I have a sudden image in my head of her teeth biting through skin and leaving a bond on my chest, and the thought of her inside me, that feeling of her deep inside, has me aching.

“What were your parents like?”

She’s silent for so long, I don’t think she’s going to answer me. She doesn’t like to talk about her past.

“My dad was a man who liked to laugh. He liked practical jokes, but he was the first to cry while he was watching TV. My mother was the rock. She would organise us and take care of us. She used to sing this song. I can’t even remember it, I just remember she used to sing it whenever it rained. She loved having people over. My parents loved their neighbours and friends.”

“And you aren’t like that?”

“All those people said goodbye to my parents at the funeral and wished me well but essentially couldn’t help me. I learned that day that people won’t help you even when they say they will. I guess it’s not fair to be bitter, but I felt like I didn’t just lose my family when my parents died. I lost my community.”

---