“I don’t know,” I mumble. “I haven’t thought about it. I just found out today. This is my first pregnancy, and a lot can go wrong. But even if I decide I don’t want it, I’ll give it up for adoption. I can’t abort when so many people out there want a baby and can’t have one.” Like Ethan’s late wife. If only they had adopted, she’d still be here. They’d be parents. Together, still in love and happy. I would be working at the hospital, just another young girl with a crush on the older, experienced doctor. No lines would be crossed. I’d finish my externship and graduate,move on with my life being a single, childless woman with a wide-open future. So many lives would be different right now if only they would’ve adopted.
But that didn’t happen. We’re here for a reason, I just wish I knew what it was. What lesson are we supposed to learn from all of this? What lesson could I possibly learn from walking the same path as my mother?
I take a sip of tea and look over at Grace, finding her watching me. “What?”
Her brows lift, and she shakes her head. “Nothing.”
“You always have something to say. You can’t tell me that now is any different.”
“Seriously, I have nothing to say. I’m here if you need someone to listen. If you ask for my advice, I’ll give it. But I’m not going to try and sway you in either direction. This is your life and your choice. Only you know what’s best for you.”
“Wow.”
She presses her lips together and moves her cup to her lips, taking a sip.
“So, if you were me, what would you do?” I know her answer won’t influence me one way or another, but I want to know. If for no other reason than to have someone to talk with for a little longer, so I don’t feel so alone.
“If I were you, I would give it up for adoption. Life will be hard enough as a single woman, working full-time to try to save the money you’ll need to support yourself. Even after graduation, it will take some time and a lot of hours before you make decent money. Why make it harder on yourself? Give the baby up for adoption and make your future easier and another couple’s lives better in the process.”
“And if he comes around?”
She shrugs. “How do you feel about him? Do you love him? Do you see yourself having a future with him? Do you thinkyou’ll end up married and raising the baby together? If so, go for it. If not, don’t keep him in mind. Think of yourself because that’s clearly what he’s doing.”
I haven’t allowed myself to think about a future for Ethan and me. I’ve been so busy with school and working at the hospital that by the time I get to Ethan’s house in the evenings, I didn’t want to have any deep thoughts or serious conversations. I just enjoyed being with him. I loved the evenings we’d spend having dinner or lounging on the couch and watching a movie. I loved our showers before bed, and already I miss the way he pulled the blanket over my shoulders when he got into bed behind me.
I push all thoughts of a future together out of my head for now. None of that has to be decided right now. What I need is time. I put my cup of tea on the table and stand from the couch. Grace doesn’t bother asking where I’m going. I’m sure she can see that I just need to be alone. After gathering my clothes, I head to the shower to wash away the day.
***
I go to school in the morning. I turn in homework and get new assignments. I sit through lectures, but my head isn’t in it. When lunch rolls around, I’m more than happy to go to the hospital. Not because I want to see Ethan, but because I know working will keep my mind off everything else. I go to the locker room, change into my scrubs, clock in, and get to work.
The day is no different from any other at first. But a couple hours into my shift, I realize something is off. I haven’t seen Ethan. Finally, I ask Val. “Where’s Dr. Cole today? I haven’t seen him.”
She shrugs, busy at the computer. “He called in sick. First time in six years.”
He called in sick? I know that I have something to do with that. I clench my jaw to dull my anger and return to work,keeping my head down and staying busy until it’s time to clock out.
After work, I tell myself to go home, that he needs more time. And I intend to go home—I really do. I don’t remember deciding to go to his house to demand that he talk to me, but that’s what I do. The taxi drives away, leaving me outside of the iron gate that keeps his house private. I know it doesn’t matter how upset he is. He won’t leave me standing out here in the cold after dark. I move to the box and push the call button.
“Ally, what are you doing here?”
“The taxi dropped me off. I gave you some time. Now it’s time we talk.”
He doesn’t reply. The gate buzzes, and I hear the mechanics whir as the gate opens. I take a deep breath and push myself forward, walking up the driveway. I’m glad this driveway isn’t a mile long, but it’s still longer than a typical driveway.
Eventually, the house comes into view. A big ranch home with a two-car garage awaits. I move up the two steps on the front porch and knock on the door. A second later, he opens it, and our eyes lock.
22
ETHAN
“What are you doing here?” I ask, looking her up and down. She looks good. Young, put together, and healthy. Her blue eyes are glistening, and her skin is glowing.
“I wanted to give you time to think everything over, but I got worried when I went in for my shift today and saw that you’d called in sick. Val says it’s the first time you’ve called in in six years. Is that true?”
I open the door wider and turn, leading her through the house. She steps in and closes the door behind her before following me through to the kitchen, where I stop to grab a bottle of water.
“Are you sick?” she asks.