Page 34 of Love Bitters

“Long time since you went to a book club or been out of the house, period?” Blythe snarks.

“It’s totally fine,” Jolene assures Luci. “No one needed to bring anything at all but thank you. Let’s grab some food, and we can get our meeting started.”

We all do as she says, and I notice her pulling Blythe to the corner. None of us can hear them, but I’m sure she’s telling her what we’re all thinking. To try and be at least a little bit more polite. There’s no doubt that’s not the first nor will it be the last time those words are said to her, but I’m not judging her in the least. We’re all battling demons in our own ways, so I understand, but pushing that attitude at people who don’t deserve it is uncalled for.

To be nice, I fill my small plate with a little bit of everything, though the smoothie seems to be hitting some satisfying spot I was unaware of. Some of the others have already claimed seats, so I take the open one beside Luci on the loveseat. By the time everyone is sitting, we’re facing Abilene, Penelope, and Blythe on the sofa in front of us with Jade sitting on the floor at the coffee table and Jolene beside Maisie in chairs across from her.

Going against etiquettes, we don’t finish eating before starting our conversation, Jolene jumping right in. “So, how did everyone like the book?”

No surprise is shown when Blythe speaks first. “It was decent, but the romance was ridiculously cheesy.”

For once, I have to say I agree with her, and a few of the others nod along too.

“It’s not impossible to think of people falling in love as fast as the characters did,” Luci says from beside me.

Penelope adds, “No, but there’s something to be said about that kind of love lasting. Katie throws all cares to the wind and quits her job just to move in with the leader of a pack of wolves. Yeah, it works on written pages, but stuff like that has consequences in real life. You don’t just drop everything and pick up to move wherever your heart takes you. It’s a fictitious lie that authors like to feed readers.”

“Isn’t that kind of why we read, though?” Maisie asks. “They give us a few hours where we don’t have to think about the real shit.”

Penelope nods like she agrees, but something in her expression says otherwise. Almost like the subject has struck a little too close to home for her.

“I think it was a perfect first book for our club,” Jade remarks. “It was lighter and had a happily ever after.”

Sitting directly across from her, I watch as Blythe rolls her eyes to the ceiling before saying, “I thought the whole point of this book club was to revolt against the idea of love.”

“It is,” Jolene replies easily. “But that doesn’t mean that we can’t still enjoy it on some level too if we want.”

“Well, I don’t,” she declares. “I think love is bullshit. It’s some kind of stupid chemical reaction in the brain that tells you it’s love when in actuality it’s the same kind of feeling as an orgasm releasing endorphins. Sex will always have the higher hand over love, in my opinion. Not just that, but what about the other dude in the story? He fell in love with the chick first, and he gets kicked to the curb after she meets the new dude. I despise books with love triangles. She should’ve just kept them both as acquaintances with benefits.”

At the end of her tirade, I’m not the only one with a little bit of an open mouthed stare thing going on. When the silence gets heavy, for whatever reason, I decide to save her, chiming in, “Not saying I one hundred percent agree on everything you said, but I do know a certain guy who works for a moving company that I’d have been okay having as an acquaintance with benefits.”

It’s somewhat of a lie considering I’d have never gone through with it out of loyalty to my…well, what used to be my…guys. But the comment serves its purpose well, breaking the tension that seems to always settle around Blythe.

“I kind of like the love triangles,” Maisie supplies. “Love isn’t black and white, but we’re forced to choose one color over the other anyway. Having that decision over your own life and how you want to live it is the way it should be.”

Abilene’s gaze finds mine, and I have to look down quickly before we give each other away with our expressions. Neither of us had to choose. We had everything we wanted, yet we both gave it all up. We might as well be living in that gray area. Great. Now the urge to cry is back. I can feel it burning behind my eyeballs, but I ignore it for as long as I’m physically able while conversation about the book goes on around me. A debate flares up between Blythe and Penelope over the pros and cons of an asshole alpha-based romance. While the majority of the room is distracted by taking sides, I excuse myself to the bathroom. I don’t wait to see if they believe the pregnant chick really needs to go or if they realize I’m running away.

Borrowing more grief than I need to today, when I make it to the bathroom, I put the lid down on the toilet and sit with no intentions of actually using it. Instead, I open the social app on my phone. It’s a dumb idea. Both my brain and my heart scream this at me, but I do it anyway. Doing something I haven’t done in weeks, I specifically search five names. Scrolling through pages makes me feel slightly like a stalker, but I can’t help it. Whoever coined the phrase “not knowing is better than the truth” must’ve never found themselves in shoes like mine. It’s an odd sort of compulsion. Unfortunately, there’s nothing new on any of their pages. Nothing. My stomach hurts, thinking about leaving them and the fact that they may still be stuck on what we had. All the food I consumed threatens to come back up at the thought of there maybe being another girl in their lives that they aren’t ready to announce to the world. The only thing that settles it like a cold glass of ginger ale is the few pictures of us together that none of them have removed yet. Surely, if they’re seeing someone else, then they’d want those traces of our relationship gone. At least that’s what I’m sticking with to help dry the tears slowly rolling down my cheeks.

After a few more minutes of collecting myself and cleaning my face, I venture out, finding Jolene waiting for me.

“You okay?” she asks.

Shaking my head and crying on her shoulder isn’t an option, so I nod instead and answer, “Sure. One day I might even be better than okay.”

We turn to head back to where the others wait, and the light glints off both the hoop in her nose and front of her glasses. Pushing them a little further up her nose, she says, “This book club wasn’t a bad idea, was it?”

One arm hugging her, I say, “Of course it wasn’t a bad idea. We’ve all got our reasons for being here, I think. I, for one, am glad we started it.”

“Great,” Jade says to us as we step back into the room. “We were just talking about what book we should do in two weeks.”

I hadn’t realized everyone would be so willing to stick to the twice a month schedule so easily. Apparently, this club was a very good idea indeed. Seems like I’m not the only one who needs the distraction.

“Are we doing another random draw like we did for this one?” Luci asks as I take my seat beside her.

Jolene shrugs and says, “Sure. That’s the fairest way to go about it.”

Hopping to her feet, Jade steps over to where her backpack sits near her shoes. She takes out a sheet of paper then rips it to shreds to hand one to each of us. A couple pens get traded off before we’re handing over our slips to Jolene. Folding them in perfect tight squares, she mixes them up and pulls one out of the bunch.

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