Page 59 of Refusing Kendall

T strides over to the door and is back with a nurse in less than a minute. She’s not the same one as before, but she still reams the guys for me stressing out. It wouldn’t do any good to tell her that it wasn’t them, so I don’t bother.

She slips a shot of something into my IV, and I immediately start to feel the effects. There’s some talk of wanting the guys to leave. I automatically reach out for Goose to keep him close, but he never leaves.

“We’re not going anywhere, sweetheart. We’ll be right here when you wake up,” he assures me.

This time, I sigh from the high of no pain and knowing that we’re all back together again.

Why Bother?

I’m in and out of sleep for what feels like days, with my body not feeling like it’s doing any healing at all. It still hurts to talk, and my stomach and chest burn with the fires of hell. When I ask about it, I’m told that it’s only been a day since the tube came out, and it’s going to take weeks, or possibly months to fully recover.

I hate sleeping so much when I feel like I’ve already missed out on so much time with the ones that I love. When I said my goodbyes to them trapped in my car, I wished with everything I had that I would somehow survive to see them one last time. By some miracle, it actually happened, and now I’m holed up in this room with the pain forcing me to sleep. Not just any normal sleep, either. It’s reoccurring nightmares filled with all the awful shit that Nick and Leroy said and did. Their opinions are the last ones on the planet that matter, but it puts doubt in my head that maybe the guys feel the same way and just don’t say anything to keep me happy.

One of the other bad things about the pain meds, is that they give me loose lips. I ramble off with everything that comes to mind. When I start thinking on the horrible shit they said, it pops out of my mouth before I can stop it. Maybe I didn’t tell the cops everything after all.

Four faces are tuned to me, each ranging from outrage, to disbelief, to hurt.

“Is that what you think of yourself?” Lucas asks. “Of us? Of this?”

I don’t answer right away so that I can be sure I’m as honest with myself as I am with them. Mav’s face pulls down into a pissed off frown, and his eyebrow goes up in the silence that follows Lucas’ question.

Moving my chin back and forth, I answer, “No. That’s not what I think or how I feel. I just don’t understand.”

“Understand what, baby?” Lucas asks, squeezing my hand.

My shoulders automatically want to shrug this whole conversation off now that it’s started, but that proves to be a bad idea, and I have to bite my tongue to keep from groaning against the pain.

If their faces are anything to go by, I fool no one. Still, I push forward and ask, “Why? Why share me when you know that you could all get girlfriends? You know you can do better than having to share the little white-trash girl from the trailer park.” I close my eyes to keep the tears from falling out, “Why bother to love me at all?” I don’t know what is in the pain medicine they are keeping me full of, but it’s causing me to be overly emotional and self-deprecating. I don’t like it.

Goose kisses the top of my hand and then all over my face, “Look at me, sweetheart.”

I keep my eyes screwed shut, because if I open them I won’t be able to hide anymore. It’s his soft plead of, “Please,” that has me complying.

His smile reminds me of the old Goose, only a little wiser, “I once told you that my biggest fear was becoming my dad.”

No one says anything as he lets out a small huff of air, “I never knew how wrong I was until I watched the surveillance video of you getting put in the back of your car. I’m pretty sure that scared at least ten years off of my life. There is nothing I’m more afraid of in my life than losing you. The past few months have been rough, and I’ve been an asshole while dealing with my own shit. Yet, you never stopped being there for me. Even when I hit rock bottom.”

He looks toward Mav and Teagan, “I don’t think her, or Lucas ever told you, but I got piss drunk one night, and I drove home from whatever bar I was in to crawl into bed with Kendall. I passed out on top of her.”

Their faces go from shock to anger within seconds, but Goose doesn’t let them respond, “I know how shitty it was, and I’m still fucking angry with myself. I’ll let all of you kick my ass for it later.” His eyes find mine again, “’I’m sorry’ doesn’t even come close to making up for it, or anything else I put you through these past few months. I promise that I will spend every day, for however long you decide to give me, proving to you that I will be a better man for you. I don’t have much to offer at this point, but I do love you, Kendall. I don’t know how they feel about it, but seeing you happy is enough for me. They make you happy and vise versa. Why would I take that away from any of you? Yeah, this may be unconventional, but we have the right to be happy just like everyone else does. There’s nothing wrong with loving more than one person. Don’t let those sick fucks make you think any less of yourself, or what we have, when the people who love you most are in this very room right now.”

I close my eyes and nod. The air shifts around us, and his lips press against mine. It’s brief contact, but I’m starving for their attention right now. When I reach up to pull him back, there are a few chuckles, and Lucas’ hand tightens around mine.

It’s not all of their answers, but it’ll have to do for now. My eyelids are getting heavy again. When he sits back down, I let out a deep breath that I feel like I’ve been holding in since I first woke up.

The next day when the nurse comes in to do my routine checks, she tells us that the doctor wants me up and moving around. “There’s only so much healing that can be done with sleep,” she chirps. Fun fucking times. I grumble, because that means they’ll have to come in and remove the catheter and all the extra junk attached to me first. Then, I get to stretch the spots that feel like they’ve been splashed with acid. Awesome. My anxiety is off the charts, the next couple of hours as we wait, anticipating having to move.

When they finally come in to remove everything, all the guys except Goose excuse themselves to go grab coffee. Assholes better bring me some back. Everyone, including the doctor, chuckles making me realize I’ve said the last bit out loud.

“Why didn’t you go with them?” I ask Goose.

His smile is soft, “I’m not leaving you.”

I think I even see the nurse swoon a little. It takes less than twenty minutes to have all of the extra tubes removed and get me unhooked from the things I don’t need anymore. I thought for a second that things would get weird with Goose standing watch over me, but it doesn’t. It’s a natural as breathing.

Just as soon as the nurse and doctor leave, the other three come in carrying extra cups between them. Lucas hands his to Goose and gets a thanks.

Mav holds one of his out to me, but when I reach for it, he pulls it back, “You’ve got to get out of bed first, if you want it.”

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