Page 44 of Refusing Kendall

Only once I’m undressed and under the hot spray of water, do the past twenty-four hours catch up with me. Warm tears run down my face mixing in with the water, so I don’t really know where one starts and the other ends. It’s only a few minutes before I feel a draft of cold air whoosh in from Lucas joining me. Then, I’m in his arms. He holds me tight and lets me cry onto his chest without saying a word. I don’t have to explain to him that yesterday scared me shitless, or that Goose tossing me out today hurt more than I want to admit, even to myself. He doesn’t demand or try to take anything from me, simply stands there steady as a rock in a hurricane, helping shoulder some of my emotions.

The One Thing That I Won’t Risk Losing

The next month for us turns out to be busier than any of us could have expected. Goose dislocated his knee and tore three ligaments. It’s going to require at least one more surgery and a ton of physical therapy. We get so caught up in making sure that he makes all of his appointments on time that we don’t get to go home over Christmas break. Hell, we barely celebrate Christmas at all. It’s not even close to being a joyful season for us. Lucas’ family offers to make the drive and do dinner at our little house, but he tells them it probably isn’t the best idea right now, which isn’t a lie in the least.

Of course, that has more to do with the tension Goose and I are putting in our relationship than how busy we are. For the first couple of weeks, I tried super hard to be there for him. I hardly let the guys rotate with me taking him to therapy, and I made sure that I was always around to see to whatever he might need. When he started blowing me off, I stopped trying so hard. I still feel like maybe he felt smothered and just wanted me to back off. Even now, with the season over and all of them living at home instead of the dorms, I barely see him. He’ll show up for dinner every once and awhile, but he never sleeps here anymore. Every time I think about it, I feel like my heart is being squeezed in a vise.

I try to keep myself distracted with classes, and I even consider taking on a part time job. Not like I really need the money, I just need the mindless work to keep myself out of my own head. There’s a line that I don’t want to cross within myself. Depression was a constant in my life before these guys forced their way into it. It’s a scary, lonely place there, and I’d rather not go back. Luckily, Lucas has been helping to keep me pretty grounded.

But, that was before we found out where Goose has been going at night. It became crystal clear when he stumbled into the house for dinner the other night reeking of alcohol. Looking back over the past couple weeks, it’s easy to see the signs that we missed. He poured his heart out to me months ago and confided in me that one of his biggest fears was becoming just like that piece of shit father of his. Deciding I couldn’t sit back and watch as he destroyed himself like that, I tried to step in the other night. I quickly realize that nothing could have gotten through to him or made the situation any better. Goose is just as stubborn as the rest of them when he’s got something set in his mind. The only difference is, he doesn’t grasp the fact that he has the ability to hurt me faster than any of the others. He might as well have ripped my heart out and trampled over it when he told me to mind my own fucking business and stomped out of the house. The looks the others threw me when it happened didn’t help. The last thing I want is anyone’s pity. I just don’t understand how they can sit back and watch what he’s doing to himself. I thought they, at the very least, were a team. That night was the first one that I’ve ever slept alone with them in the same house.

Sitting in some dumb as fuck chemistry class, I can’t seem to get my mind off everything going on. The professor has to call my name three times before I even realize that he’s talking to me. A couple people in the room snicker, but I don’t care. I’ll never use any of this shit again in my life, so as long as I pass and get my credits, that’s all I care about.

When class is over, I pack my shit up and haul ass out of there. My pace slows as I realize the only place I have to go is home. A month ago, I would have been completely ecstatic to know that the guys would be there later. Now, it’s just exhausting knowing that I’ll have to pretend and paste on a happy face for them. It makes me wonder if they’re having to do the same for me. None of us have even had sex in weeks, which just adds more stress to the relationship.

As I get within sight of the house, my stomach jumps into my throat. The Rover is parked beside the house, with Teagan’s Jeep behind it. Normally they aren’t home this early, but that isn’t what causes my heart to start pounding. A detective car is parallel parked in the front. My heart feels like it’s going to pound right out of my chest.Please don’t let anything have happened to Goose.I send up in silent prayer as I take off running.

I throw open the door in panic mode, and my breaths come in gasping spurts. The two familiar detectives have their back to the door and jump at my loud entrance. The younger one even palms his gun, “Are you ok?”

Casting a glance around the kitchen, various emotions run across six faces as they stare back at me. Six faces, though. Goose is sitting at the kitchen table, but quickly averts his eyes when I look at him.

It feels like a sucker punch to the chest, but I try to take it in stride. At least he’s okay. I press my hand against my heart, “I’m fine. It’s just cold, and I was trying to warm up.” A little white lie is better than the truth right now.

“Why didn’t you drive this morning, baby?” Lucas asks, coming to take my jacket and bag from me.

I shrug, “I wanted the exercise this morning. What’s going on?”

The older detective motions for me to come join them where they are standing at the counter, “Have you happened to see the paper this morning?”

When I shake my head in confusion, one gets pressed into my hands. Splashed across the front page is a collage of four different pictures. There’s one of me with each of my guys and a headline that reads ‘Scandalous Affairs and Jealous Anger Ruins Chance at Championship.’ I’m so shocked that it takes me a few seconds to remember to breathe. The photos are of us in random places we’ve been the past few weeks. Me at Goose’s side in the ambulance. Mav hugging me at the hospital. Lucas and I, hand in hand, leaving the grocery store back home. But, it’s the very last one that really tells all. It’s one of the pictures that was stuffed in the envelope of me and Teagan in the Jeep. Ours even beats out the secondary story of Prince Edward of Veronia getting married to an American named Perry. Championships beating out stories of royals in the paper? That’s when you know that shit has really hit the fan.

“We are on our way over to the paper to see if we can find out where the photos and story originated. We just wanted to stop by and make sure there’s been no other trouble for you folks,” he says.

Lucas steps against my back letting me leech some of his warmth, “We had a security system installed after last time, and we’ve been living here since the season ended. Nothing has happened.”

Come to think of it, my ghostly friend hasn’t even been messing with the lights since they’ve been here. It’s as much of a relief as it is curious.

“Well,” the detective says, “You still have our number if anything happens. We’ll be trying to get to the bottom of this as soon as we can.”

The guys thank them, and Lucas sees them out before anyone dare approach the subject.

“It was only a matter of time before we got outed,” Maverick says, standing across the counter from me.

Teagan, just to my right, says, “Yeah, but not like this. They’re trying to rally people against us phrasing it like that. What I’d like to know is how they got their hands on those pictures that we’ve got locked away in the house.” He looks around curiously. I don’t know if it’s just me being paranoid, but it feels a lot like an accusation.

“Come on, man,” Lucas says, walking back over to us. “None of us would do that shit. Whoever took the originals must have made copies. I mean look at this shit.” He tosses the paper down on the counter between the four of us and points to the one of us holding hands, “That place look familiar? They followed us home on break and took it when we went to the store. I think we’ve skipped jealous bitches and hopped straight into psycho stalker territory.” I’m consciously aware of Goose sitting quietly at the table, drinking his bottle of water that’s probably filled to the brim with vodka. I keep my mouth shut, though.

Maverick looks like he’s lost in thought staring at Lucas, “You know, that gives me an idea. I’ve been thinking this whole time that whoever it is must be after Kendall for whatever reason. What if it’s a crazy fan or something?”

My shock shows on the others’ faces. I hadn’t actually considered that option either. This definitely goes beyond petty jealous bullshit from that party.

“We’ll need to go talk to coach about it,” Lucas says.

Teagan holds his phone up with his call log open, “He already beat you to it. We have a meeting in his office in an hour.”

“Have fun with that,” Goose says, speaking for the first time.

Maverick’s eyebrow arches up at him as he speaks to Teagan, “Did he ask for all four of us?”

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