Page 138 of The Failed Audition

I hug her, an arm around her waist. She rests her head on my shoulder. I realize, right now, that I’m not an interloper anymore. I have a place in the Kotova circle, albeit not the loudest place, but there is only so much room for Timo’s and Nikolai’s. I think Katya knows that more than anyone.

I hear Nikolai reply to Timo in calmer, sterner Russian.

In the brief silence between them, Timo stares at the ceiling. Then his glassy gaze returns to his brother. “Don’t lie,” he says. “You resent us. Every day. Peter and Sergei got off free, and you were forced to look after him and her—” he jabs a finger at Luka and Katya “—and me.”

Forced.I hone in on Timo’s choice of words while he continues on.

“How many times a day do you wish you were with them? Be honest.”

Nikolai’s eyes flicker to me.

Forced.

Oh my God.

Nikolai lied to them. He never told his siblings that he had a choice to be here, in Vegas, and before that, New York—that he could’ve been with the brothers around his age, all this time. If he wanted.

Sounding wounded, Timo adds, “I think it has to be five times a day. Maybe six. What do you think, Luka?”

“Shut up,” Luka mutters, staring right at me. He’s beginning to figure it out, I think. Maybe I wear the answers on my face. The realization.

Katya whispers, “What’s going on?”

I open my mouth, but my lips press together quickly. This isn’t my truth to share.

Nikolai rubs his eyes wearily and then looks up to me. “Happy Thanksgiving.”

I give him one of my patented encouraging smiles.You can do this.

And he nods like,I know, I have to tell them.

He stares up at Timo, who has yet to sit down. “You want honesty?” He pauses, gathering his thoughts. “My life would be drastically different if I lived with Sergei and Peter, if I never had to take care of you.” He shrugs tensely. “Is this what you want to hear: you drove me crazy, you fuckingworriedme sick every day of your life, and I kept chasing after you, expecting you to slow down, just once, to make it easy on me. And you never did.”

Timo is crying. “No, I didn’t want to hear that, you asshole.”

“It’s fucking true.” Nikolai’s eyes are past reddened, restraining his own emotion.

I hear Katya sniff beside me, and my emotions begin to rise. Luka watches like someone is unveiling blinds to his world—intently, keenly, cautiously.

“Every dayI wonder what my life would’ve been like had I stayed with them,” Nikolai says. “And I know I wouldn’t be the same person. I don’t even know who’d I’d be, but it’s not someone I ever want to meet. Not for a moment or a second. I love this life, with you three.” He pauses. “So every day, Timo, I amthankfulfor you, for Katya, for Luka—for giving me more than I had.”

Timo is motionless, tears streaming down his cheeks, while Luka stares faraway at the wall.

My chest swells. This is the most accurate portrayal of Nikolai that’s ever been spoken. Most of his twenties has been devoted to them, and I can’t imagine who he was before. It must feel like another lifetime.

“I had a choice six years ago,” Nikolai explains the crux. “You didn’t.”

“What?” Luka chokes.

“Peter, Sergei and me—we were older than you. We could do what we wanted. I chose to be here, with the three of you. I don’t regret that decision.”

Katya lifts her head off my shoulder, her jaw unhinged. “But…why wouldn’t you tell us that?”

“I didn’t want you to think poorly of Peter and Sergei for their choices.”

Timo drops to the mat and cries into his hands. I hug Katya as she tears up more from her brother’s sadness.

Nik reaches out and puts a hand on his shoulder. “Timo—”

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