Page 131 of The Failed Audition

It’s one of the most painful things—each word, each syllable. “I just—I want you to always choose the circus over me.”

He shakes his head repeatedly, and I can’t tell if he’s rejecting this notion or if he’s just hoping it’ll never come to fruition. He will push me towards Somnio if I land the role, and I have ahorrible feeling that he’ll want to leave everything behind to join me.

“I’ll stay here,” I say. “I’ll choose you if you choose me.”

“No,” he forces. And then his face hardens, understanding my initial proclamation. This only works if we don’t pick each other.

“You once told me that there are things you can’t leave behind. You meant your family.” I point at the floor. “You meant Katya, and Luka, and Timo and all the people youlove.”

“You’re a part of my family, whether you realize it or not.”

It rocks me back. And he steps closer now. His eyes dance over my features. He uses the hem of my jacket to wipe my cut that still bleeds.

“We don’t have to decide anything tonight,” he says.

I nod. “I’m broke.” I just come right out and say it. He doesn’t look surprised, so I elaborate, “I owed Phantom a grand for bailing on the gig tonight. I was stupid, right?”

His face hardens. “You couldn’t have known…” He shakes his head. “We don’t have foresight. You take risks, some pay off, others don’t. But we all have to take them.”

The weight on my chest starts to lift some. “Can you…let me know when the hard choices end? I mean, there has to be a point for both of us, right…where there are only easy choices left to make?” My voice cracks. “Right?”

He cups my face, his thumb drying my tears. “Thora,” he says my name like it comes from a place deep, deep within him. “Whatever you need, I’m going to give you.”

“A place to stay?” I wipe my eyes with the back of my hand.

He kisses my lips, hot pressure beneath the touch, a silentyes.

“A shirt,” I whisper.

Another kiss, this time, his body melding against mine, more urgent. I stand on the tips of my toes, to reach him.

Tears keep streaming, wetting his hands that hold my jaw. “Tissues?”

He smiles into the next kiss. A breath away, he says, “Yes, myshka.”

I never thought that love could be this difficult. Once you have it—that should be it. No more hardships. No more confusion. But clarity hasn’t struck me yet.

There’s just more guilt. And my only hope is by January, we’ll be free of it.

ACT FORTY-ONE

Ilearned that Nikolai’s incessant phone calls were from cousins, who were chastising him for leaving Amour for a girl. I can most definitely empathize with those voices. I’ve heard them all before.

Some of the other calls were from his siblings, asking how I was.

I’m alright.

Well, more focused, in a way. I acquired a part-time job in the lobby’s gift store, but since it doesn’t help me train, I’ve spent all of my free time at the gym with and without Nikolai. Where I should be. I want to pool my energy into these auditions. Minimize some of my distractions. After watching Amour live, I’ve recognized how much work I still need.

I return from the gym now, riding up the elevator. My phone vibrates in my palm.

Send me pics of you beside any souvenir statutes, like the mini ones :)– Shay

I opened the lines of communication with him a few days ago. An olive branch. We’ve been cordial ever since, slidingback into our normal groove. I didn’t want to end an eight-year friendship, not if his intentions were good. It seemed wrong and petty.

I text back:No way.

He’s quick to respond.

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