Page 29 of The Failed Audition

I’m clawing at something that doesn’t want me. And to say goodbye is like severing a part of me that I can’t easily replace. I’m lost.

I’m going to be so lost.

The minute I return to college. I won’t know which direction to go.

It’s terrifying.

It’s everything I never wanted, and I can’t bear the thought of my parents sayingI told you so.To see their disappointment reflect back at me.

Because it’s admitting cold defeat. ThatnothingI do, no amount of hours I practice, no matter how hard I try, I cannot succeed.

One in a million, Thora James.

I’m not that one. I know.

I know.

“If you go home,will you ever return to Vegas and try again?” Camila asks curiously. She has her feet up on the barstool, overtaking all three as she lounges and eats her slice of pizza. The sleeves of her kimono almost knock over her Diet Fizz.

“Probably not,” I say softly, sitting at the kitchen table with John. I use Camila’s laptop to check plane and bus tickets, deciding which will be cheaper for my return trip to Ohio. My appetite has been lost since this morning. I barely even nibble on pepperoni.

I blink constantly, my eyes dry and scratchy from crying more than I ever have. I ended my pity-party about a couplehours ago at The Masquerade and took the fifty-minute walk to Camila’s apartment.

My phone buzzes, and I catch a glimpse of the text.

How did it go? Is it over?– Mom

I ignore it for now. John watches my rejection of the text as he sips a Lightning Bolt! energy drink. Preparing for a snide remark, I shut my eyes—but it never comes. He stays quiet, for once.

“You know,” Camila continues, licking the pizza sauce off her finger. “Vegas clubs are always looking for female acrobats doing their thing on trapezes and hoops. Why don’t you just try out for other jobs around town?”

My brows pinch. I never even thought of that avenue. My parents wouldn’t approve. They’d think it was no more than being a waitress in Los Angeles, hoping to become an actress one day. They’d say that a tiny fraction succeeds, and it’s fruitless to waste my time and try.

Off my silence, she adds, “It’s definitely not as prestigious as AE. I was thinking more short-term. It pays the bills, and in the meantime, you may run into someone who has connections to Aerial Ethereal.”

Connections. My lungs expand. That’s what it’s all about. I won’t run into anyone important or useful in Ohio. Not when the industry is here.

I realize I’m clinging to any hope. No matter how small. There is a part of me that wants this trip to mean something. If I go home, everyone will tell me that I wasted hundreds of dollars on a flight to Vegas. That I made a mistake.

My cell vibrates again.

Call us when you can. It’ll be okay. We can help you out for your return flight.– Dad

He already thinks I lost.You did, Thora.

My stomach churns from the lack of food, and I bite into a piece of pizza. It hurts to swallow. My parents will be distressed if they hear that I gave up my scholarship on a whim, to stay here and work at a club.

They’re the ties that bind me to Ohio, the strings that root me to safety and security. I fear cutting them. It’s like saying goodbye to the little girl who turned to my mother for advice. Who glowed when my father’s pride for me shined bright at gymnastics meets.

There is no pride from this decision.

There is just more disappointment.

“Don’t put ideas into her head, Camila,” John chimes in. “Let her leave Vegas while she can.” He nods to me. “You’re one of the lucky ones who still has the chance to get out.”

My face twists, unsure of what I feel anymore.

Camila leans forward and narrows her eyes at her cousin. “Youlove ithere, John. More than any of us.”

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