Page 154 of The Failed Audition

Dimitri cocks his head. “You’ll come around.”

Not in that way.I hear the humor in his voice, the joke that I might’ve not been able to pick up on first meeting. I hone in on Nikolai’s proclamation:I just didn’t love her the way that she loved me.My face tightens as I wonder: how do I know that our love is equal?

How does anyone know?

Nikolai sweeps my features. “The thought of Tatyana ever leaving—it made me feel free. That’s when I knew.”

I recall all the moments he thought I’d leave Vegas. I saw despair.

“With you,” he says, “it’s the inverse.”

“Get to the important part,” Dimitri interjects, waving him on.

Nikolai rubs his eyes and shakes his head at his cousin. “You think it’s easy for me to say this?”It’s complicated.

“It’s okay…” I tell him. “Whatever it is…” I have no idea what it could be. Not even a little hint or suspicion.

“I can rip it off,” Dimitri declares, about to explain the rest.

“No.” Nikolai stares past me, past his cousin, as though bringing the memory to the front of his mind. “No, I can tell her.” He looks haunted, tormented by this moment in his life. One he’s buried. “I broke up with Tatyana, but we were still in Amour together. And…you know the routine. It’s intense.”

I nod, trying not to picture them together on the aerial silk act. Each trick is strung with emotions.With lust in touching, in kissing, in flying

It’s something that would be complicated with an ex-boyfriend.

“I could act my way through it,” he continues. “And every night, I knew it tore her down, believing that I loved her when I didn’t…I’d come off the stage and I was cold. I didn’t want to confuse her, but I kept hurting her…and there’s nothing I could do. It was the worst two months I’ve ever experienced.”

Dimitri is quiet and more respectful than I thought he’d be. Maybe those months were hard for him too, if he was close to Tatyana.

I can’t even imagine what it must be like—to not love someone when they love you. To love someone when they don’t love you. To have to hurt each other, with no way to end it… “Wait,” I whisper, my eyes growing again, the gears clicking.

“She couldn’t get out of her contract.” Nikolai lowers his voice so no one else can hear but the three of us.

My mouth falls.No.

“Her injury wasn’t an accident. She wanted an out, and at practice for the Russian swing, without telling anyone, she added an extra rotation in a triple sault. And she knew that she didn’t have enough room to land it.” He pauses, his eyes reddening. “Tatyana made it seem like an accident. Not very many people knew we weren’t doing well. We were always professional in the gym, but…I knew her. I knew that I had emotionally pushed her to that place.”

It’s complicated.It seems like an understatement now. This is…there are no words. I reach out and hold his hand, a small gesture, not knowing what else to do.

I ask softly, “Did she…admit to it?”

“To me,” he nods. “I confronted her about it in the hospital.”

“And to me,” Dimitri adds.

That’s it. She told two people the truth, and I guess she made them promise to keep it a secret. “Do I even want to know her injury?”

Nikolai shakes his head at the same time Dimitri says, “She broke her tibia and fibula, right leg.”

I cringe into a worse wince. “God…”

Nikolai shoots Dimitri a glare. “Thanks.”

“She might as well know everything,” he says, “because if this happens again—”

“It won’t,” I cut him off. “It won’t.” I can’t imagine reaching a place that low, and if I did—I don’t think I’d be able to hurt myself like that. I just—I can’t…even fathom it. I feel so horrible for her, if she felt like this was the only avenue to end her pain.

Dimitri nods. “We’re on the same page then.” He pats my head and then he swigs his water, heading to the teeterboard.

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