Page 150 of The Failed Audition

“Even if it benefited you to have me stay?” I ask. If I left, then there was a greater chance they’d retire his act. After months of training me for that role—he’d give it all up.

His eyes dance over my features, reading me well. “I knew what I was losing. But you would’ve been more proud of earning a spot in Somnio than feeling like I pulled strings for you in Amour.”

I wish he was wrong. But this isn’t the purest avenue. It’s cutting corners. I will cut corners if I go down to that office and tell them what I can do in Amour.You know the routine.God—how did I not realize? He had to have taught me it in fragments, trick by trick.

He adds, “If you landed a role in another show, I wouldn’t have offered Amour as a choice.” He’s saying that I would’ve never known he taught me the routine.

My eyes sear, scald. Burn. “Why?”

“You know why.”

I do. There’s a stigma attached to this role:you slept your way to the top. You’re only in Amour because Nikolai is your boyfriend. You cheated.“…so the only way I could ever be in the circus is by being with a guy,” I say aloud. I feel ashamed by it. Every time I think of myself in this role, I will hear my conscience sayyou didn’t do this right. You don’t deserve this. You’re not good enough to be here.I don’t want to feel that. Not even a little bit.

I just want to be happy and proud. That I finally made it.

“You’re wrong,” he says, holding me tighter. He looks at me like he so desperately wishes I could see his view. Where it’s better. And brighter. I wonder if that’s usually where I stand.

“Don’t you see it?” I breathe, tears dripping. “Had I not met you, I wouldn’t be here.”

“Had you not met me, you wouldn’t have the skills to try out at all.” He removes the pillow from my chest, so there are no more barriers between us. “If you think for a second that you haven’t succeeded, you need to look at my little sister.” His voice softens.

And I notice more redness in his eyes, from stifling tears.

“You inspired her. Not because you were with me, but because you tried. You never gave up on the things you wanted. So she tried harder, she became better, and she accomplished her goal.”

“She made Noctis?” I’m happy. And proud. I’m proud of Katya.

He nods. “She made it.”

“I’m glad,” I whisper. “I’m happy.”

He’s too perceptive to take faith in my words. “You’re in pain,” he states.

“I’m trying not to be.” I exhale, but my chest is still tight.You can still be in the circus. It’s not over.I’m searching for my lost optimism.

“I know this still feels like failure to you, but there are two things you need to always remember.”

I listen intently, letting him rope me into his gunmetal eyes. He lifts my chin, our lips close, aligned as much as we can be.

“Regardless of what anyone else thinks, you earned this spot. You trained seven months for it. If you couldn’t land those tricks, they’d never even consider you.”

I nod, letting this sink in. He’s certain that it’ll only take a run to the office to land the role. And maybe a small demonstration. If I know the routine—if Aerial Ethereal doesn’t have to spend money to train someone else—I can see how it’d be easier to hire me.

“What’s the second thing?” I ask.

“Every day you’re on stage, prove them wrong.”

I nod again, tears rolling.Prove them wrong.

“That you deserved to be here from the start. That they made a mistake, thatyouand only you, Thora James, my little mouse…my demon—were meant for this role.”

He begins to fill me with things that I’ve lost.

Thank you, I want to say.

And he kisses my cheek, his lips scorching my flesh. “Your choice,” he whispers.

My choice.

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