Page 147 of The Failed Audition

Heads turn as we all silently look for the person with the number. It’s not hard to find the smiling, elated girl with a French braid.

Two more spots left for a show in Vegas.Please call twenty-nine.I repeat the mantra over and over, hoping. Just hoping.

“For Infini, numbers seventy-four and sixty-two.”

My heart sinks.It’s okay.

It’s okay.

I don’t want to picture Nikolai right now, but all I see is me leaving him. He’s altered the landscape of my aspirations, and it’s not as sunny when he’s not in it.

Shay hangs his arm around my shoulder, casually, like he’s silently sayinghey, we’re going to be in the same traveling show.That’s a positive I cling to.

“For Somnio,” Helen continues, flipping another page. I inhale without the exhale. “We want numbers eighteen, five, six—” she traces the line with her finger “—forty-eight, twenty-eight.”

My heart skips at that close number.Please twenty-nine.

“Thirty,” Helen continues. “Ninety-two, eighty-eight.”

Shay’s shoulders lift at the sound of his number, and his smile explodes. I can’t hug him yet, not when Helen reads quickly and my mind has already lost count of the spots left.

“Twelve, thirty-four, thirty six, thirty-nine…”

Shay begins to tense as much as me.Please twenty-nine.

“Nineteen and…”

Helen flips another page.

“Twenty-one.”

I shut my eyes, a swift kick to my chest. This isn’t how this was supposed to go. It’s barely processing…you didn’t make the cut, Thora.

Stop. I don’t want to hear it yet. I can’t…

“Congratulations to every number I called. To those I didn’t, there may be spots open next year. So we encourage you to submit videos again. You were all great, but you’re just not what we’re looking for at this time.”

These are the horrifying facts that keep berating me: I spent seven months in Vegas. Away from family. Pushing my body to its limitations. Stepping outside my comfort zone. Struggling to support myself. I tried. I triedso hard.

And then Shay flew here. One day. One time.

And he made it.

I can always try again. There’s always next year. But it’s exhausting. Mentally, emotionally, physically, financially—there are reasons why people give up after a while. Why they move on.

“Thora…” Shay squeezes my shoulder. “It’s going to be okay.”

I slowly rise to my feet, my eyes welling. And I collect my gym bag before I break down in front of him. “I’ll see you later?” My voice is a whisper.

“Yeah,” he says. “I’ll text you, okay?”

I nod stiffly and dazedly exit. Now what do I do. I pause in the middle of the hallway and thinkwhere do I go from here?

I’m lost.

I let out a tight breath; my body is hot as nausea brims. I need air. I need a lot of things, but air is definitely the easiest to obtain. So I ride up the elevator, a few other dejected acrobats with me. And then I walk through The Masquerade’s lobby, following the signs to the pool.

Don’t cry.

---