Page 63 of My Heart To Heal

The door to the bar opens, the music and laughter from inside feeling like sandpaper against my skin, raw, grating.

‘What just happened, man?’ Doug asks as he stands shoulder to shoulder with me and grips the railing in the same way.

Huffing out an exhale, I focus on the empty street in front of me and the direction the woman I never wanted to lose just took, to walk away from me.

‘The elephant took a shit.’

Your Actions Said We Could Have Had Forever

Nick

‘Don’t you need toget back to work?’ Doug asks as he drops down into the chair next to mine in front of my cabin. I’ve been here for a week now, fixing up the place and, well, if I’m completely honest with myself, hiding.

‘Nah, Lance owes me after taking all of Christmas off to go to Bali. He’s got it.’

‘You can’t hide out here forever, man.’

I stare out at the lake. Can’t I? I have everything I need: a roof over my head, running water, and a working generator, thanks to Doug. Plenty of firewood and plenty of fish to be caught.

‘Stop trying to figure out if you can — you can’t. You fucked up, but you need to face it.’

‘I’m not hiding. I’vebeen fixing this place up before summer comes, you know that,’ I answer defensively.

‘It’s barely even spring, Nick. There was no rush.’ He releases a deep sigh. ‘Look, I get it. Before Cara and I got it together, running when shit got tough was my specialty. I’d pack up my tent and head out somewhere with no cell reception, but the shit doesn’t go away — it waits for you to get back and clean it up.’

‘I can’t face her,’ I admit with a shake of my head. ‘I hate myself for making her feel so betrayed. How am I supposed to just go back to living next door to her now?’

‘You apologize and suck it up, she’ll either forgive you or she won’t.’

He says that like it won’t wreck me if she doesn’t.

Unlike his hiding places, this one has cell reception, but it makes no difference. I tried to call her, and I texted her to apologize, but nothing. I was tempted to keep trying, but I know Missy — the more I push, the more she’ll pull away.

I hadn’t considered how it would seem to her. In my mind, I had made a call so that I could be close to her, but when she laid it all out, it wasn’t a good look.

You lied to fuck me.

I did. It wasn’t the driving force — that was me being more into her than I’ve been into anyone and not wanting to risk her walking away, but the black and white of it is in that moment, I lied so that we could have sex again, and keep on having it.

‘I’m an idiot.’

I lean forward, my head falling into my hands, and Doug’s massive hand lands on my shoulder blade.

‘Yeah, but in your defense, love makes fools of all of us.’ His words make me inhale as he stands. ‘I need to get back for Bo. You going to be okay?’

‘Yeah, I’m good. Thanks, man.’

He packs up his tools and heads for his truck, leaving me with my thoughts. Love makes fools of all of us…love. Is that what this is?

Locking up the cabin,I take one last look out at the lake before climbing into my car.

When I got the keys from my mom, I headed up here, and it was heartbreaking to see the state of disrepair it had fallen into. I called Doug out here to see what was needed to fix it up, and we made a plan. When I blew my life to shreds, the plan gotexpedited somewhat on account of me deciding to hole up here out of her way.

Now, as I head back to town, the cabin looks better than it ever did. I could live here happily, and if Missy truly hates me, I might do just that. For now, though, I have to get back to work, and I need to face her.

A week and a half, that’s how long it’s been since I watched her walk away from me, and now, as I park my car and climb out, I’m faced with the opposite — she’s walking my way, and she hasn’t realized it yet. I don’t know what to do. Do I stand and wait? Get back in my car? Walk the other way? I’m still trying to decide when her eyes lock with mine, and she stops, glaring at me for just a moment, before continuing in my direction.

‘Missy,’ I start, but she walks straight past me. I might as well have not been standing there. She made a choice to make me invisible in that moment, and damn, she followed through.

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