Page 57 of My Heart To Heal

‘I can’t.’ Her words are a whisper, and I see the tears in her eyes. I can’t drag her out of here by her hair. I have tried since I was a kid to get her to leave. The answer was always no.

‘I won’t be back, Mama. I won’t come here again. I love you, but I have to draw a line under him and this place.’

She nods, her sad eyes closing as I speak. Then I turn and walk away.

‘Nick, wait.’

I freeze, my hand on the doorknob, and I turn back to see her get up and walk toward me with what looks like an envelope in her hands.

‘I know I let you down. I let us all down. I know that, but the fact is, Nick, I don’t want to leave your father. I should, I know I should, but I’m not the sort of woman who can be alone.’

‘Ma,’

‘Just listen. I love you. I loved you the second you were born, and I love you now, but I loved you wrong. I know I did.’ She raises her hand up to my cheek, and the sadness in her eyes breaks my heart. ‘I won’t ask any more of you, Nicky. I won’t ask you to come over and spend time with us. I accept and understand your need to cut us off, but it’s time I gave you this.’

She hands me the envelope, and I look down at it in my hands.

For the attention of Mr. Clinton Barber and Mr. Nicholas Barberis printed formally on the envelope.

‘Mama, what is this?’

‘It’s the keys and the deed to the cabin. My father left it to you years ago, but your daddy didn’t wantyou to have it. He thought if Clint couldn’t enjoy it, you shouldn’t either.’

I exhale the emotions I’m feeling: sadness for my grandad and my brother and anger at my dad and my mom.

‘He left us the cabin.’ It’s not a question. I was surprised when Grandad died, and these keys didn’t show up. He used to take Clint and me out there all the time to hike, fish, make smores, and swim in the lake. We made great memories there.

‘It’s just been locked up this whole time, Nick, so I don’t know what kind of state it’s in.’ She takes a step back. ‘I’m sorry.’

I take it, pulling her into a brief hug and pressing a kiss to her temple, then walk away.

Who DoesIt Better, Me Or Lumbersnack?

Missy

Nick’s been distant. Ithink he’s still embarrassed about what happened with his dad. I wish I could make him see that he doesn’t need to be, but I suspect that’s something he needs to get to on his own.

Truth is, though, I’ve been so busy that I’ve hardly had time to notice his absence.

It’s been almost two weeks, and things are starting to settle into a good routine. Monday through Friday, I take Jonah to school. On Mondays, I grocery shop, do household chores, take a little nappy nap. Tuesday through Friday, I work all day, and Cara picks him up from school with Bowie, taking him to her or Doug’s place until I’m done, and I go pick him up. On Saturdays, Jonah comes down to the salon, draws, plays with his toys, plays on his iPad, and generally charms the women who come in for theirhaircuts until I take him for lunch at the diner and Lynnie or Cara takes him for the afternoon. And on Sundays, that’s Mama and Jonah time.

Today is Sunday, my favorite day of the week, and I’m in the kitchen making waffles while my baby leaps around the apartment in his Spiderman costume.

I hear the door to Nick’s apartment and check the time. He must be going for his run. I carry on mixing the batter when I hearhisknock on my door, and I fight against the flutters in the pit of my stomach before heading to open it.

‘Morning.’ He smiles shyly, and I lean against the door frame, folding my arms across my chest.

‘Do I know you? I mean, you look vaguely familiar, but I’m not sure.’

‘Yeah, I’m sorry, I’ve had some stuff to take care of.’

I straighten and smile. ‘I guess I forgive you then. You feel like joining us for waffles?’

‘I thought you’d never ask.’

When Jonah and Nick are together in my apartment, it turns into a playground. Nick regresses to a five-year-old, and the two of them run around squealing and laughing, and I have to admit, I love every second of it. I try so hard to be the fun mama. Iplay with Jonah, and we laugh together — we dance and sing together, and I know he enjoys my company, but I’m his mom. I have to say no sometimes. I have to cook and clean and prioritize things other than just fun — Nick doesn’t.

He is here solely as our friend, so he gets the luxury of being able to make my son giggle until it hurts, and it is the most beautiful sound in the world.

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