Page 56 of My Heart To Heal

‘I was,’ I say,then take a breath. ‘I am.’

‘Missy,’ Zoe scolds, and all eyes fall on the tablet. ‘Don’t you dare.’

‘Zo, I have to. It’s getting complicated.’

‘So let it,’ Cara says. ‘Trust me, Miss, complicated can be so good if you let it.’

It’s so different for her. She hasn’t had the knotty past I have, so she was open and ready for serious.

‘Look, for the record, I think you’re an idiot.’ Bree says, reaching for a slice of pizza, and I frown at her. ‘Nick is one of the good ones, and if you’re not careful, someone who can see that will come along and openherarms wide to let him in.’ I don’t like how that makes me feel, so I sip my wine and lower my gaze as I consider the idea of Nick meeting somebody else and moving on.

‘He doesn’t want a relationship either.’ My voice is quiet and weak as I protest, and Bree nods. ‘Can we change the subject please?’ My gaze is fixed on Bree’s as though she’s in charge of where the conversation goes, and she smirks.

‘Well, I guess, as I was always curious.’ She grins mischievously, and I wait. ‘Is his dick as big as his brother’s was? Becausemy god, that thing had its own gravitational pull.’

Cackles erupt from my group of tipsy friends, and I smile. I need to make this light, play the game, have fun, and talk about how Nick can make my body sing, even if my mind and my heart are at war over this man.

Nick

‘Nicky.’

My mom answers the door with wide eyes, a fresh shiner coloring one of them.

‘Jesus, Ma.’ I hang my head and exhale through my nose to steady my rage. I know him well enough to know that I’m the reason for the black eye, or at least, his rage at not being able to give me one of them yesterday means he came home and took it out on her instead.

‘It’s not a good time, baby.’

‘Because he put his hands on you again? Ma, walk away, please, before he puts you in the ground.’

‘Nicky.’ I know that tone. I’ve heard it a hundred times. It says:he’s my husband, and he made a mistake. I love him. He won’t survive without me.

‘Ma, I quit, I really do. You deserve better than him — than this, but it’s on you to see that.’ I shake my head. ‘Where is he?’

‘He’s not here, Nick. He went to visit Clint.’

Of course, he did. He makes plenty of time for his dead son, yet none for the one he has left.

‘Good, I just need to collect some of my things, and then I’m done, Mama. This is the last time I come to this house while he’s still breathing.’

I pass her in the doorway and head for my old room. There’s not much still here, just a few mementos, photos, and things that got left behind years ago. I grab those, then head for his den.

‘Nick, you shouldn’t be in here.’ My mom pleads for me to leave, and I feel guilty that if he finds out I was in here, she’ll bear the brunt of it, but I need something, and I can’t leave without it.

‘I won’t be long, Ma. Go out back or something.’

‘Nick, please.’

‘Mama,’ I snap, and she flinches. I fucking hate that. ‘I’m sorry. Please, just give me ten minutes.’

Reluctantly, she backs away, and I open the drawer on his cabinet. It’s over a hundred years old,handed down through Barber men, and its journey stops right here. I walked away from the legacy. It was a miracle that he gave me the apartment, I suspect, to save face and not have to face the people of Forest Falls when he couldn’t even give his last remaining son a place to call his own, but I don’t trust that there’s not some loophole that means he can take it all back.

‘Yes.’ Relief pumps through me as I lay my hands on the deed to the apartment and see my name on it. I still want to get another set of eyes on it. I’ll probably turn to Doug since he and Cara deal with property contracts all the time.

Putting everything back the way I found it before heading out, I find my mom on the sofa, chewing her nails.

‘Nicky, I wish you hadn’t done that.’

‘Ma,’ I lean down to kiss her cheek, ‘Leave him, please.’

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