Page 49 of My Heart To Heal

‘Mama,’

‘Come here.’ Missy opens her arms to Jonah, lowering down to his level, and he practically leaps into her arms. ‘I love you, Jonah, more than anything, okay?’

He nods and squeezes a little tighter. ‘I love you. I’m sorry.’

‘That’s okay.’ She releases him and kisses his head. ‘You look very smart, honey.’ She smiles. ‘Nick really needs your help, so you listen to him and be good, okay?’

‘I will.’

His little hand slips into mine, and I swear my heart jumps.

Over the weeks since they moved in, even when Missy and I were at each other’s throats, I’ve been drawn to Jonah. He’s cute as a button, for starters, but he’s funny, too, and polite, and he has this great little personality. Missy lets him just be who he is, and I love that because the kid just brightens up the room when he’s in it.

‘Okay, let’s go.’

As we head for the door of the apartment, I glance back in time to see Missy close her eyes and take a deep inhale of relief, and I feel the joy of knowingI gave her what she needed at this moment and the reality of the situation. I’m falling hard for this woman.

Hit The Brakes—Hard

Missy

‘Ohhh,that’s good.’ Isigh as I sink into the hot, bubbly water.

I don’t remember the last time I took a bath. I never feel like I have the time to just soak.

The bathroom is filled with lavender-scented steam as my muscles give in to the heat and the freedom of the moment. I have nowhere else to be. For the first time in, what feels like forever, I can just stop. Jonah is safe and more than likely having the time of his life downstairs. The salon is done and ready to open tomorrow. I could have taken the time to do some chores in the apartment, but Nick was right. I need a break.

Nick.

GoddamitBarber. He’s getting under my skin in the ways I thought I could protect myself from. Keep it casual, Missy. Just be friends, Missy. I’m an idiot,and I don’t want to think about it right now while I’m trying to relax, but I know we can’t go on like this.

He’s perfect. I really thought he was the biggest asshole on the planet, even when Bree and Zoe were telling me what a great guy he is. I just didn’t believe it. I couldn’t see it, but they were right. He’s pretty fucking wonderful.

He’s beautiful to look at, and he plays my body like an instrument, but it’s more than that. He’s kind and fun. He adores Jonah, he laughs at himself, and makes me laugh every day. He’s a reality TV junkie, which is oddly endearing, and then this, today. He stepped in without question and gave me exactly what I needed. He’s so tuned in to all of my needs, and it’s terrifying. I love spending time with him, but I think I need to hit the brakes — hard.

Would it be so bad to let him in for real? I wonder. I haven’t ever had a successful, true relationship. Iwouldn’t even know where to start.

I let Bax control so much for so long. Would it be the same with Nick? I tell myself he’s different but he’s a man — they all like to exert their control over what’s theirs, right?

My mind wanders to Doug and Leo. They worship the ground their women walk on, and they want to see them thrive and succeed, but still, my best friends have been the ones to sacrifice parts of their lives. Cara stayed in Forest Falls and hardly sees her dad, and Zoe followed Leo to California, leaving her bar behind.

I huff out a laugh. I know before I’ve even finished the thought that they didn’t sacrifice anything. Cara was never going to leave once she got here. She misses her dad, but he’s the only thing waiting for her back in Scotland, and Zoe was just floating along, keeping her dad and her late husband’s dreams alive because they no longer were. My friends are happy and in love and living their best lives. That could be me. I could let him in, wake up next to him every morning, and snuggle with him on the sofa every night. I could listen to his and Jonah’s laughter as they play together every day, and I know I’d be happier than I ever dreamed, but the fear of getting it wrong, like I have so many times before, holds me back. That one percent chance that he could be hiding a darker side, that he could be just like Bax, or that he could just get bored and break both my and Jonah’s hearts, it’s not a risk I feel prepared to take.

I would rather have Nick in my life as a friend than lose him because we tried something that would never work — and I really believe it wouldn’t. Not even because of who he could be but because of who I am. I know, without a shadow of doubt, thatBax is an abusive, manipulative son of a bitch, but there are some things about me, the things he told me time and time again he would never love, that he was right about.

When I met Bax, I was in a vulnerable spot. I was in my early twenties, and my childhood trauma was wreaking havoc on my life and my behavior.

I went to therapy as a kid to deal with the accident, losing my parents and my grandma, and any residual, deeply hidden memories of the accident that I might have retained, and I was warned that it might, for lack of a better term, come back and bite me in the ass, but when it did, I was not prepared.

When I hit twenty-one, I found booze, and I found friends who like to party hard at the weekends. I also found all that trauma floating up on the sea of beer and cheap vodka, and my abandonment issues hit me hard.

I was angry — furious that I wasn’t given enough years to even remember my parents, and bitter that the drunk driver who hit us died too and couldn’t be punished by the law for what he did. I felt lonely and like I didn’t have the skills to cope with life. I didn’t have a mom to turn to for advice. I had Grandpa Ellis, and I had Roberta, but they were older, and their wisdom came from a different time. In my boozy haze, I sought comfort and company in thewrong places, and that’s when Bax became my worst mistake.

He saw through me. He saw me as putty he could mold and play with, and I let him. He was nice at first. Attractive, attentive. He told me I was beautiful. He took me to dinner and made love to me in ways I hadn’t ever known. He told me he loved my curves, my olive skin, and my dark hair. He made me feel like I was perfect to him. My friends were behind us in the beginning, telling me to go for it, to let him love me, so I did. At least, I thought that’s what I was doing.

As soon as we made our relationship official, the control started. Where was I going? Who would be there? When would I be home? He would sit in his car outside Grandpa’s house waiting for me to get home from work or from seeing my friends so he could sniff me to make sure I didn’t smell like men’s cologne, and he would check my phone to see who I’d been talking to. It should have been a red flag, but I didn’t want to lose the connection, so I made excuses. I told myself it was just because he cared.

It got worse. Day by day, month by month, his true colors shone through, and my excuses kept on coming. It took Jonah to give me the strength I needed to push him away, but the damage was done.I don’t see how I’ll ever trust another man in that way, even Nick.

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