Page 22 of My Heart To Heal

‘You’re coming to dinner,’ he snarls as he turns toward the door.

‘Tell mom not to set a place for me.’

To my complete surprise, instead of arguing further, he yanks open the door and storms out of the clinic, and I notice for the first time the tight fists my hands had clenched into. I need to run before I hit something. I have to get out of here.

I grab my keys and head upstairs to change, shooting off a quick text to the work group chat to tell them something came up and to cancel the afternoon appointments. Then I pull on my sneakers and head out.

It’s cold today. Thelake looks dark, gloomy, and oddly tempting as I run along the bank. I want to feel angry. I want to sit in it, stew in it. I want to feel all the hurt and resentment, the confusion and rage. I was a punchbag, and my mom still is, for noreason at all. He must have loved her once, right? He loved Clint.Goddid he love Clint. The only time he hit my brother was when he stepped in front of me when I was five and took the hit for me. Dad cried and hugged him, apologized, and begged for forgiveness. Clint was loved, while I carry the scars of a hateful man.

The cold tightens my chest as I suck in breath after breath. The icy air stings my cheeks and hands as the cold, hard ground sends shockwaves up my shins to my knees. This doesn’t feel good, but I can’t stop.

I can’t stop any of it. I can’t stop being frustrated by Missy. I can’t stop being angry at my mom, and I can’t stop feeling like an outsider in my hometown. I can’t stop being afraid of my father, even knowing I’ll never let him put his hands on me again.

‘Fuck.’ I yell as I break into a sprint toward the water’s edge and skid to a halt with my toes an inch from the icy shore. I lean forward, my hands above my knees as I gasp for air before dropping to the sandy beach and staring out at the rippling surface of the frigid water.

Fuck this. I’m as angry now as I was when I left the clinic. I need something else, another outlet. I need to feel more. I need to see her.

Against my better judgment, I grabbed a six-pack of beer on my way back to my apartment. Now, a few beers in, I’m feeling ready for a fight, and there’s only one person I want it with.

I nod my head along with Queens of The Stone Age as I turn the music up and up until it’s almost unbearably loud, but not tonight, not in this mood. Raising my can to my mouth I smirk at the banging on my door and ignore it.

She bangs again, so loud that I suspect she may have actually kicked it that time, and then my cell starts to ring. I ignore that too. Just a little longer, get her really riled up, I think, as I drain my can and open another.

My cell phone vibrates in my hand, and I open the message.

Missy:Turn the fucking music down, now.

And again.

Missy:Better yet, open this door so I can kick your ass.

I laugh. I can’t help it as I make my way over to the door.

‘Something wrong, Missy?’

‘Turn it down,’ she yells, fury in her eyes as she points behind me.

‘No.’

‘Nick, I swear to god.’

‘What, you can play your music loud, but I can’t?’ I lean on the door frame and cross my arms over my chest.

‘You have got to be fucking kidding me right now.’ She glares at me, and I smile. ‘Nick, turn it down.’

‘You don’t get to give me orders.’

‘I played music two floors down, nowhere near this loud, while I was working. You asked me to keep it down, so I turned it off. You can hate me all you want, Nick, I truly don’t fucking care, but I have a five-year-old child trying to sleep and crying because your music woke him up.’

Fuck. I turn around and turn off the music immediately. I forgot about Jonah. I was so fucking angry that I forgot he even fuckin’ existed.

I come back to the door to find her opening hers.

‘Missy,’

‘Don’t,’ she snaps and turns to me. ‘I don’t know what your problem is, Nick, and I don’t care, but you mess with my son, and you’ll see a very different side of me. Know that.’

The close of her door makes my head fall forward with shame and embarrassment. I acted like a child tonight. I cried out for her attention, and I got it, andnow I fuckin’ hate myself. I have to let this go. I have to let it all go.

---