Page 112 of Lyrical

“Chase, you’re scaring me.” No, please. I couldn’t stomach getting sick again. My insides were rolling, spinning, flipping.

“You have to believe that I love you more than anything in this world. Say you believe me, Jillian.”

“I believe you.” I pulled back, ready to grab my wastebasket. “Just tell me what’s going on. Please.”

“I was angry, baby. And so stupid. It’ll never happen again. Cassie showed me those pictures, and I just lost it. I couldn’t think. I just acted. The pain was severe, Jillian. When I saw how you betrayed me, my heart severed from my body. I wanted to die. I was a fucking shell.”

“Chase, what did you do?” I could barely get out the words. The tears were dripping into my mouth, filling my throat. I’d asked him a question I already knew the answer to, and my world would never be the same again.

“I fucked Cassie.”

To hear the words. To actually hear them out loud. I tucked my head into my chest and curled into a ball. “No. No no no no no.”

His soft apologies soon turned into laughter, and I felt a shred of optimism. It wasn’t true; it was all a sick joke. The laughter became harder, higher, and I lifted my head. Cassie was there in his lap. They were both laughing, right at me.

“Don’t you wish it was just a joke, Jillian? But you couldn’t let it be, could you?”

I screamed, shooting up in bed. Darkness surrounded me. My face dripped with sweat. A dream. Just a dream.

A fucking nightmare.

I’d made it to Friday before I told Perry anything about Daniel. I’d enjoyed my state of blissful numbness during the day, but nights were a different story. More often than not, the dreams forced me to feel whatever I ignored during the day. Perry suggested that talking about it might help when I’d mentioned the little sleep I was getting lately.

She’d stopped over for lunch every day that week, still not her best but not skipping more than another half day of work. Even going through her flu crap, she still looked better than me.

“What are you going to do, Jills?”

We sat at the dining room table, sandwiches spread out that neither of us wanted to eat.

“I honestly don’t know.”

I’d just told her that Daniel basically gave me an ultimatum: him or Chase. My hell had come to Earth, but what did I expect when I had a satanic blonde pulling the strings?

“I know he’s your son, and I love him to pieces too, but that was pretty fucked up for him to do that to you.”

“Yeah, I agree.” But so what? That didn’t make it any easier. “I know he’s just doing what he thinks is right, and that’s the only reason I’m not having a total breakdown right now.”

She raised an eyebrow. “Are you sure you’re not?”

“No.”

Chase would be coming home soon, and that was something I never thought I’d ever feel conflicted about. We’d kept in contact occasionally through the week with short calls, a few texts. He was very busy, but when we did talk, I didn’t get a sense that anything was off. Although, I doubted he’d discuss it over the phone if Cassiehadpulled anything.

“You can’t not choose Chase,” Perry said. “You two are meant to be.”

“I can’t not choose Daniel either. He’s my son.”

“Fuck. I know.”

I ripped off a corner hunk of bread to shut up my growling stomach. “I realize how shitty it is for Daniel to ask something like this from me. I’m not making excuses for him. But he’d never be like this if it weren’t for Cassie, and if I just cut him out of my life for Chase, she’ll have even more power over him. I could truly lose him forever.”

“Otherwise you lose Chase forever, and she still wins.”

“There is no right choice. Just a decision that will make my heart bleed less.” This had already torn me up so badly to the point where I could barely feel the damage anymore. No wonder I was numb.

“Which is?”

“I don’t know.”

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