Page 73 of Sticking Around

Jesus Christ.

I grip the counter to hang on as the world tilts on its axis. The one time Melanie needed me and I wasn’t even there for her. Maybe she and the baby deserve better, someone who will be there for them in their time of need. Christ, no one has ever been there for her, not even when she was a child, and I’m no better than any of them.

Back outside, I hail another cab, and try to calm my chaotic thoughts as he drives me home. When I get there, I hurry inside, and go straight to my wing of the house, hoping to find Melanie there. I shove the door open and search.

“Melanie,” I call out, fear gripping my chest, making breathing near impossible. I gulp air, barely able to fill my lungs as I rush through my place only to find it empty. I head back to the door, ready to storm Noah’s place when my feet come to a resounding halt.

“Lanie,” I breathe out when I find her standing in my doorway. I lower my eyes to her stomach. “The baby…” My voice is as shaky as my body.

She touches her stomach and her eyes are full of worry, and…tears. “The baby is okay. I was spotting, and it scared me, but we’re okay.”

A loud, hiccupping sob rises in my throat and with my legs no longer able to support me, I sink to the floor, my body giving out on me. “I’m so fucking sorry, Lanie. You deserve so much better from me.”

“Hey,” she says quietly, coming to sit next to me, her eyes still watery. She takes my hands.

“I’m so fucking sorry for the things I said to you. You were never a bet to me. I think I was in love with you the first time I ever set eyes on you, and I know you didn’t get pregnant on purpose. I also know you think I’m an asshole, a joker, a guy who never takes anything seriously?—”

“Brady.” I go quiet at the seriousness in her tone. But when warm eyes move over my face, I realize she’s not mad. “I don’t think any of those things.”

I stop breathing as I try to make sense of her words. Why wouldn’t she believe any of those things after the way I acted?

“You were never a bet,” I manage to push out as my breath comes fast.

“I know, and I know underneath this façade you present to the world, you’re an amazing man, with an amazing heart.”

I gulp, hardly able to believe what I’m hearing. “You’re…you don’t…hate me?”

She smiles at me. “No, you see I was recently told I needed to take my own advice so that’s what I’m doing. I’m thinking with a clear head and a heart full of love.” She cups my face. “I know who you are, Brady. I know I was never a bet to you, and I also know why you reacted the way you did when I told you I was pregnant.”

Another wave of fear burns through my blood. I shake my head, hating myself even though there’s so much forgiveness in her heart. “I wasn’t there for you, or the baby. I’m so fucking sorry. I wanted to be. I just…couldn’t be.”

She brushes her fingers through my mess of hair, comforting me. Christ, shouldn’t I be the one comforting her. She was the one in the hospital, not me. And after the things I said to her…

“What if…” A sob tightens my throat. “What if I…I can’t be what you need? What if we have this baby and something happens to me and I can’t be there for you.”

“Brady, I know this is scary. Hell, I’m scared too, but you’ve been letting fear keep you from living for a long time now. Not everyone or everything is your responsibility, especially when you were only eight years old.”

“I know but…I was in an accident. I couldn’t get to the hospital in time.” I swallow against a raw throat. “I’m so fucking terrified, Lanie. You’re everything I’ve ever wanted. The baby too. But I’m so fucking terrified of fucking up. What if something happens to me, what if I can’t be there for you guys? I wasn’t there today. What if it happens again and again? No one has been there for you, and I was no better. I’m so sorry.”

“First, let me say, you’re the best man I know, and second let me say it’s good to let yourself feel these things. It’s healthy. As far as not being there for us, sometimes circumstances are out of our control. Life happens. Accidents happen. Accusations happen. Brady, we both reacted horribly. Our past hurts and fears are why we both lashed out. While emotions are good, I don’t want to live in the past anymore. I don’t want it ruining our future. We need to feel all the feels, deal with them so they don’t come back to haunt us, and learn to move forward. Emotions are not weaknesses, Brady.”

Our future.

She’s saying we have a future…

“I know I have to make some big changes. I know what’s important to me, and I want to be there for those who truly love me. I want to be there for you and our baby. I’m sorry…the hospital…”

“The point is…” She pokes my chest. “You wanted to be there for me.” She touches her stomach. “And for our baby. That’s what counts and it’s not your job to always be there for others.”

“Others, no, maybe not. But you and the baby. I want to be there.”

She smiles at me and the love and emotions in her eyes soothes my soul and makes me just a little bit less afraid. “I want you to be there too and if something does happen to you, I’ll deal with that at the time, and if something happens to me, you’ll deal with it. People do find a way to go on. Until then, I think we need to live in the present, and love and care for one another the best way we can.”

My heart soars. “I love you, Lanie, and want us to be a family. A real family.”

She goes quiet for a long time, and fear grips me. Does she not want that, too?

“I love you too, Brady, but you have to be sure that this is what you want. You have to be sure you’re not saying that because of the baby. Because you have this huge sense of responsibility in you and feel it’s the right thing to do.”

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