Page 146 of Don't Believe A Word

SADIE: ‘I got a call from Mia about eight o’clock – actually it was five past, according to my phone – the police checked. All she said was, “I think it’s time we talked. If you can come now there’s something I want to show you, but please come alone.” My first thought was of what had happened to you when you went to see her – the noose and everything. I was afraid she might do the same to me, so we decided that Jasper should go with me regardless of what she’d said. Then, at the last minute, I realized that if anyone else was there she might start putting on a crazy act, the way she does. With only me as an audience, I felt she’d be more likely to behave … I want to say rationally, but I’m not sure it’s the right word. Anyway, it’s why I ended up going alone.

‘When I got there the front door was open. I called out as I went in, knowing she probably wouldn’t hear me if she was in the kitchen, but then she answered and I realized she was in Lottie’s rooms. I’m not sure why that spooked me – I guess it was because she so rarely goes in there and after everything …’

Sadie pressed a hand to her mouth, as though steadying her lips, then sucked in a breath and pushed on.

SADIE: ‘I wondered if maybe she’d found something else, another bombshell to hit me with, and because I was afraid of what it could be I almost turned around and left again. Now I wish I had, but I had no way of knowing what she was planning, so I braced myself and went to find her.

‘She was on one of Lottie’s sofas, surrounded by what turned out to be the contents of Lottie’s desk and cabinets. She’d pulled it all out … Photographs, files, letters, old notebooks, postcards … I have no idea why she’d done it, it didn’t seem to make any sense, even less so when she told me she was looking for Lottie’s will.

‘I reminded her that Lottie was dead and the will was probably locked up in a lawyer’s vault somewhere, but I don’t think she was listening. She just kept picking up the papers and dropping them, not really seeming to search,just … dropping. I went to try and help her up, but she pulled back so sharply that I almost stumbled over her. Then she started to cry, big howling sobs, that made me cry too. I sat down with her and held her … I tried telling her that everything would be all right … I promised we wouldn’t share what was in the journals, that she was safe. She begged me not to leave, and I felt so awful, so sorry for her, that I wanted to say I wouldn’t, but … Obviously, I wish I had lied now, told her what she wanted to hear, but I had no idea what was in her mind, how she’d probably already planned what she’d do if I refused her. She didn’t give up right away, she started telling me that I’d inherit everything if I stayed, that the entire estate would be mine … I told her that it wasn’t about that, I didn’t care about money, but she shouted over me saying that all I had to do was send Gabe and Lukas away and stop making up stories about her and Lottie.

‘I said we should go and make some tea and continue our chat in the kitchen. I thought that was happening, I really did. She was with me, all the way to the door, and then suddenly she wasn’t. I turned around and saw her scrabbling at the French doors … She tore them open and half-fell out onto the balcony. I raced over, but she was already leaning into the railings, tilting forward, arms wide apart as if she was going to fly. I grabbed her, but she snatched herself free … She said if I touched her again she really would jump, so I held back, not knowing what else to do. Her back was turned, I couldn’t see her face, but I heard what she was saying. She said, “Why did you do this to me? Why, Lottie? Why?” Then she looked at me and said, “Youhave done this to me.You.Let my death be on your conscience. See how you like it,” and then she …’

As Sadie started to cry Jasper came to put his arms around her. Cristy and the others watched quietly, almost numbly, as the scenario she’d described continued to play in their minds, the horror of those final moments resonating in all their ugly and vindictive power.

SADIE: ‘The stupid thing is, I couldn’t believe she’d done it. I thought … it was some kind of trick and she was … I don’t know where I thought she was. I just couldn’t accept that she really had thrown herself over. I made myself go to the railings and look down … It was too dark to see anything, but I could hear the sea, and this … this strange sort of whining … I thought it was her, then I realized it was me. I ran back inside and called the others … They came as fast as they could, but there was nothing anyone could do. She’d gone, and I was … I was hardly able to speak I was in such a state … I kept seeing her going over. I couldn’t get it out of my mind.

‘Then the police arrived, and the coast guard … I can’t remember the exact order of things, but I know I probably wasn’t very coherent when I tried to explain what had happened. A doctor turned up and gave me a shot of something and the next thing I knew I was here at the lodge and it was morning. The police came to see me again, they’ve questioned Dad and Lukas as well … There are so many questions … I know they probably don’t mean to make us feel guilty, but I do anyway. Those awful words, “Let my death be on your conscience. See how you like it.” They keep going round and round in my head. I mean, I know I’m not to blame for what she did, but the fact that she wants me to think I am … Through most of my life she’s been kind and generous, devoted … eccentric, yes, and unpredictable, but always there for me, no matter what … So I do blame myself now, because she’s a truly good person in her heart, and I brought all this on us by making her think she wasn’t enough – by trying to find out who I really am when being her niece should have been the best and luckiest thing in the world. And it was, it really was. There was just something in me that needed to know the truth. I wish she could have understood that, but it made her angry and afraid … Of course we know why now, but she was so lonely and lost without Lottie and I didn’t properly recognize it. I just dismissed her feelings and pressed ahead with what I wanted, telling myself itwould be all right in the end, that she’d come to terms with everything and maybe even embrace my family when she finally met them. How naïve and selfish I am.’

Cristy watched her closely, tears of grief and self-recrimination shining in Sadie’s eyes and causing her mouth to quiver.

SADIE: ‘Please don’t think I’m not grateful for everything you’ve done to help me, for giving me this incredible chance to share my story with your hundreds of thousands of listeners around the world. Is it OK to thank them for all the messages of understanding and encouragement they’ve sent my way over the last few weeks? I don’t know how anyone’s going to feel once they know how much my search has cost my aunt. Maybe they’ll think it wasn’t worth it, or they’ll decide that she shouldn’t have held back on me. I still can’t get to grips with how I see it, but I do know that sometimes terrible things happen and it’s only with the benefit of hindsight that we can see how they might have been done differently. You know I’m talking about what they did to my mother now, but please don’t use it.’

She stopped again, and as she dabbed her eyes, Cristy glanced at Connor to see if he was still recording. Receiving a nod, she asked Sadie if she was OK to continue.

SADIE: ‘I think so. I mean, no, but yes … Oh God, it’s all still so mixed up and awful and strange … I keep thinking I should hate her but I don’t. I just feel desperately, desperately sad for her.’

EVIE: (out of shot) ‘Maybe that’s enough for now? She’s been through a terrible ordeal and I’m not sure that reliving it, over and over, is doing her as much good as she seems to think.’

Signalling for Connor to stop recording, Cristy waited for Sadie to look at her through the camera and said, ‘We really appreciateyou sharing everything with us the way you have, Sadie. I know it’s been difficult to do and things probably won’t get any easier for quite a while, but I have no doubt you’ll find the strength and courage to embrace your new life with all the integrity and honesty you’ve shown throughout this series.’

Forcing a smile through her tears, Sadie said, ‘I’m going to miss you so much. You’ve been like family these past few weeks … I feel as though I’ve known you for years. I hope we’ll always be in touch.’ She sobbed on a breath. ‘I’m not sure when we’ll speak again, but if you need any more for the series you know where to find me.’

Minutes later, after the screen had gone dark, and the random sounds from outside the office began to fade back in, Cristy looked at the others and wondered if they were all thinking the same as her.

CHAPTER THIRTY-TWO

‘I don’t believe her,’ Cristy stated, throwing a pen onto her desk and sitting back in her chair, angry and frustrated, and alive to the repercussions of her own doubts already gathering force.

Clove and Jacks regarded her, wide-eyed.

Connor seemed still to be processing it all.

‘What exactly don’t you believe?’ Clove asked, clearly needing to understand what she’d missed.

‘Any of it,’ Cristy replied, with a dismissive wave at the screen. She truly didn’t like how she was feeling, wished it would stop, but it was there and she couldn’t shake it. ‘In fact,’ she continued, ‘the only verifiable truth in Sadie’s story was the time Mia called her, because it was registered on her phone. We’ll never know what Mia actually said when she rang, any more than we’ll ever know what really happened at the villa, because there’s no one to corroborate any of it, and nor will there ever be.’

Carefully, Jacks said, ‘So you think she made all that shit up because …’

‘… she could,’ Connor finished for him. He looked at Cristy, making it clear that he was with her on this.

‘Are you serious?’ Clove cried. ‘Are you actually saying you think it was a push, not a jump?’

Cristy nodded. Yes, that was what she thought, much as she might not want to.

‘But why? What did Sadie say to make you think that?’

‘What she just told us,’ Cristy replied, ‘had been carefully thought out and there’s no doubt it was convincing. I could even swallow it myself if it weren’t for the fact that I justknowinmy gut that she wasn’t telling the truth. For whatever reason, it’s serving her best now to have Mia out of the way.’

---