Page 97 of Shattered Dreams

I knock and the doorknob turns easily in my hand. I push the door open, and in a burst of grey and white fur, Baby sends me onto my butt. I laugh and bury my face in her neck. Rourke was going to shoot Gage and she stopped him. I know every detail of what happened the day Special Agent Banks, Zane, Stella, and Gage found me at Jerricka’s lake house. Stella told me over and over again while we stayed at the bed and breakfast. I owe Baby just as much as I owe Gage.

Whenever I was afraid and wanted to hide, I would get down on the floor and hug Baby, find comfort in her soft fur and affectionate nature. Today, I don’t need to hide, and there’s nothing to be scared of here. I press a kiss to her nose and stand up off the damp floor.

Gage is sitting on his coffee table taping a box closed.

“Hi,” I say, meeting his warm hazel eyes.

I devour the planes of his face, his thick hair. He’s wearing one of the flannel shirts I’ve missed so much, his sleeves rolled up and his tattoos black against his skin.

“Hey. You look good, Zarah.”

“Thanks.”

He didn’t tell me to get out, and that’s a start. I walk around his apartment, trailing my fingers over the things that are so familiar to me. His bookshelf is empty, and the couch is drenched. I’ve spent a lot of time here, in this little space that will always feel like home. He made love to me in his bedroom,cooked me dinner in his kitchen. I gave him my first consensual blowjob at the kitchen table I bought for him that right now is covered in this and that he has yet to pack away.

“How have you been?” I ask, leaning against the table, my ankles crossed, pretending to be casual.

“I’ve been...okay. Mom’s devastated, of course, but not because she loved Rourke. I think she was more hurt Stephen Mallory was a part of what they did to you, even if he decided he didn’t want to be involved anymore. By then, it was too little, too late.” He pauses. “I, ah, went to see Viv. We’re talking again.”

“Your ex-girlfriend.” I don’t have to ask. I remember who she is, and what she did to Gage.

“Yeah. She isn’t doing so well, and I promised I’d help her go to school and pay some of her bills.”

The Zarah he used to know would have cried and run away out of insecurity, but I hold my ground. “Are you back together?”

“No. I said I would help her because I felt sorry for her. She has a little girl. She’s not mine, but if I can help her mom give her a better childhood, then I think it’s something I should do.” He’s tense, waiting for my reaction.

His kindness is one of the many reasons I love him so much, and I would never resent him helping someone who needs it. “It’s nice. She’s lucky to have you.”

“Is she?” He rakes his fingers through his hair.

I’m glad he’s nervous. I didn’t want to be the only one scared of what’s coming.

“Yeah,” I whisper. “She is.”

He gets off the coffee table and rubs his palms against his jeans. Is it terrible that I want his hands on me? It’s been weeks since we’ve made love, and I want him. I want his body curled around mine, panting my name as he comes. I want to feel the sweat slick down his skin, his strong muscles holding me in place while he loves me like he’ll never have another night.

Just because I remember every second of my life, that doesn’t mean my fear of intimacy is gone. I’ll never stop being afraid of the kind of violence I’ve experienced, but this is Gage. I know him, and he loves me.

He clears his throat and steps toward me. “I watched your speech. You sounded good. You feel good?”

I tell him the truth. “Not really.”

Frowning, he takes another step. “What’s wrong?”

I close the space between us and reach for his hand. “I hurt. Right here.” I press his palm against my blouse where my heart is. “I have all my memories back, but there’s still something missing.”

He swallows hard. “What?”

“You. You, Gage. I’ve missed you. I’ve missed the way you kiss me, the way holding me in your arms would always be enough. The way you defend me against anything and everything. The way you push me to be a better person. You’re tenacious about finding out the truth and you don’t let anyone hurt you or your family. I used to be your family. I know I’ve changed a little, but I’m still the same person I was when we met. Maybe not so scared, maybe not so confused. But I love you the same way I did before. Our walks in the woods, staying up all night talking. Making love. Life...isn’t going to be simple. There are things I need to do, things Iwantto do. For seven years I’ve done nothing but try to find my way. I can now, but I need you with me. If you still want to be there.”

He picks me up and cradles me to his chest. “You used to think this was romantic.”

I drop my purse onto the floor and eagerly scrub my fingers through the thick whiskers covering his jaw. “I still do. Can I kiss you? I really want to kiss you.”

Chuckling, he lowers his head, and leaning up, I meet him halfway. His beard tickles my skin, and his lips are soft andwarm. I wrap my arms around his neck and lick at him, asking him to let me in. He still has a flavor that’s all Gage, and our mouths fit together perfectly.

I think everything is going to be all right until he pulls away and says, “We need to talk.”

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