Page 4 of Shattered Dreams

A picture falls out from between the pages of the journal, a picture I’ve never seen before. It’s of Max and Zarah, and they’re sitting on a loveseat, the flicker of a fake fire reflecting in Max’s glasses. She’s looking at him, a tentative smile on her lips, and he’s talking, their fingers laced together. I can see in her eyes she’s struggling to keep up. She’s not understanding much, if anything, of what he’s saying, but she’s leaning into him. She trusts him.

I read the page.

Stella and I came back from DC today. Zane barely gave her time to eat before sweeping her up and carrying her to his room. I told Mel what we found out and he listened with only half an ear. Can I have a love like that? When I don’t care if someone finds evidence of my parents’ guilt or innocence? When the only thing that matters is the love of a woman? He didn’t say one word about the things we found in Lark’s favor, just carried Stella away, more relieved she landed safely than anything else.

Zarah was more open with me than she has been, throwing herself into my arms, and I held her for a long time. I haven’t been this serious about a woman before, and it took me aback how much I missed the feel of her skin and the scent of her hair. After Zane and Stella went to his room, we sat in mine and Mel read through the transcript of the recording. It was what we suspected but didn’t know for sure: Lark knew Clayton was selling weapons and was hoping to use Kagan and Clayton’s friendship to convince him to stop. That’s a lot of faith in a friendship. Doesn’t seem so unrealistic that Zane would believe Ash over almost anyone, including Stella. I could be cruel and say they both got what they deserved, but that would be speaking ill of a dead woman, and Zane’s going to be paying for what he’s done for a long time.

That will be between Zane and Stella and won’t have anything to do with me. I have to focus on this story for theChronicle.What I want to know, and I guess what nobody cares about, is who is Clayton Black selling weapons to? Where is he getting them, and where are they going?

I know he’s in it for the money, but what if there’s more?

Weapons are used in wars. What kind of war is Clayton planning?

Closing the journal, I rest it against my chest and think about that. That entry is fifteen months old. Did Clayton Black’s arrest thwart anything that was going to happen? I admit, I’m not one to keep up with international affairs, but I know on average there are about ten conflicts going on in the world at any given time in countries I’ve never heard of outside a geography class.

Grade-A military weapons could go for a bit on the black market, but Clayton would have needed connections to the military or a private supplier to even get his hands on them.

I study the picture again. They looked good together. They would have made a nice couple if Max had lived.

Is that why I cut and run so quickly? I took Zarah’s out because deep down I don’t feel good enough for her? My little apartment is good enough for me, but maybe I never felt it was good enough for her. Zarah dumped me and I jumped in with Sierra quick enough. I’ve always been natural around her, comfortable. Never cared if I let a fart slip out or a burp rip after drinking a beer. She’s my friend, and we’re on the same level, the same wavelength. Same pay scale.

Zarah and me...I know the minute she starts dating other men she’ll find someone more suited to the way she should live. Classy. Polished. His arms not covered in tats.

Max would have fit in with that world. Our mother and Zarah would have gotten along, and I can picture them hosting parties together, going shopping. I can see her helping Zarah choose a wedding dress. She would have done more for Zarah if she’d been Max’s fiancée than she would ever do if she was mine.

Or maybe, after her reaction to Rourke, Zarah wouldn’t have wanted anything to do with either of us. I can’t get over her fear of him at Max’s award dinner. The man is a sleazy creep, and I don’t know what he did to her. If she can’t remember, we may never find out.

I wonder how far Zane got buying Quiet Meadows. There’s no way Rourke wouldn’t accept an offer. Any offer. The empty building isn’t earning him a cent, and Rourke isn’t one to waste time on anything. It’s one of the reasons he’s been a successful senator and why the people of Minnesota vote for him over and over again despite us being a blue state and Rourke being a Republican.

Baby’s lying on the couch, and she looks at me mournfully, her head resting on my thigh. She misses Zarah, and I can’t blame her. I miss her too, and I’m worried about her. Someone killed Ingrid. I don’t know why and I don’t know how, but someone went through a lot of trouble to hide they took her,going so far as to purchase a bus ticket in her name and sitting in the seat to have the barcode scanned. It threw us off the trail.

I wonder what the cops found during the investigation.

What did they think she knew? And who is “they?”

When Zane called to bitch me out about the photo, I should have asked him then. All I did was hurry him off the phone as quickly as possible. I wasn’t going to listen to any shit from a guy who boned a hooker for five years.

I flip to the next page in Max’s journal. One more entry, then I’ll go to bed and start the bullshit all over again. I was supposed to go to Zane and Stella’s ceremony tomorrow, but I wouldn’t go now, even if Stella texts and invites me. I don’t belong there.

On the plane, Stella warned me off Zarah, and not for the reasons I would have thought. Zane’s protective of his sister—obviously—and I don’t blame him, but Stella’s and my conversation was different. Zarah used to be a party girl, didn’t have a plan for the future. Wasn’t enrolled in university, took a couple of gap years to fuck around. It didn’t take me long to realize where Stella was going with what she was saying. Before she had her breakdown and Zane and Ash Black locked her up, Zarah was flighty, materialistic.

Zarah would seem like that to Stella who had to work hard for every little thing she’s ever had.

Stella was telling me so I understood if Zarah and I have a relationship, that even without the drugs pushing her down, she’s still just a child playing with toys.

I don’t read the rest of the entry. It isn’t difficult to understand why Stella would resent Zarah her freedom to do what she wanted. I didn’t have that much freedom either, though having the option to work with Pop gave me some flexibility when I realized I didn’t want to be a cop anymore.

Just another reason Zarah decided to spread her wings without me. She hasn’t had any time to figure out what shewants to do, and tied down to one man, she felt limited. Zane went away to school. Maybe that’s something Zarah’s considering and didn’t know how to tell me. There were kids in my high school who broke up because they were accepted into different colleges and moved away. They chose their futures over their relationships. The few who tried to stay together long distance failed. You meet new people at school, have experiences the other person can’t enjoy with you. You’re bound to grow apart.

Rehashing the whole situation raises my hackles all over again. I’m not good for her. I get it.

I’ll just move on and she can do her thing. In a year or so if she reaches out, I’ll see where I’m at. I have no interest in jumping into the dating pool. Pop and I will work jobs, and I’ll stay out of the paparazzi’s sights and lick my wounds the best I can.

I want her to find her way. I want her to be happy.

I wanted her to be happy with me.

Sucks I can’t have it both ways.

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